Hi RachWBA,

I am so so sorry you too have lost your lovely Mom ️ I lost my mom to the exact same thing your Mom had, GBM4, in December 2019. It's been five months today. 
I totally understand everything your saying. It still just feels so bizarre. It's like your brain can't seem to process it. It's too much to take in. Sometimes I still just feel so confused, like how is she gone though? How can she just not exist anymore? It's beyond me. 
And then you almost feel guilty for that. But I think it's actually really normal. Your brain is just subconsciously trying to protect you. It's going back into autopilot mode, as if everything's fine and nothings changed. It will probably take quite some time for all your senses to fully adapt and accept the magnitude of what's happened.

For me, some days I think I'm ok. I think, oh ok, I think I've come out of the worst of this now. But that's because those days I'm only allowing myself to think of what's happened on a very surface level. Not intentionally, its just a survival mechanism. I think if you were to deeply acknowledge and act on what's happened every day you wouldn't survive because it's simply too painful. You wouldn't be able to get out of bed, make dinner, do the shopping. 
In the short few months it's been since I lost my Mom and my best friend in the whole world, I've realized that you really do have to just ride the wave of grief. Some days I'm quite good and I cherish those days and make the most of them. Because I know there has been and will be again much darker days. Never be hard on yourself, each day is so different. All our Moms would want for us is to be kind to ourselves and try to get through it day by day!

Sending you so much love. You're not alone in how you are feeling ️ And try to give ourselves the love and kindness our moms would show us as much as we can. We can only do our best. Xxx

Hi EllaJ,

Oh Thankyou for your lovely message it really does mean the world. I'm so so sorry to hear about your Mum, cancer is absolutely rubbish but GBM4 is just so unforgiving. Watching her deteriorate day by day, all she wanted was a few sunny days during her treatment and at the end, and she never got them. You'd think 30 years of working in a hospice would count for something but I guess not. Honestly it seems like it could have been yesterday we lost her, it's absolute agony.

Your words really do mean a lot. I agree completely- it feels like mum is just on a long holiday. I still refer to her in the present tense and I get so frustrated because my brain just can't process that I won't see her again. Like you said, I think it's just a protection thing. I hope you're doing as well as possible and I completely agree- I'm sure our mums would be telling us to give ourselves a break! Every day is a struggle but we have to keep going for them, somehow... ️ Sending lots of love and strength xxx