I’m sorry for your loss,I feel your pain!

my handsome strong dad passed away on the 5th 

april after a 6 week illness (lung cancer) I’m 

sitting here consumed with my grief, confused, overwhelmed, numb, anxious, in deep thought 

Hello, thank you for replying to my post.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad.

Everything you say I can completely relate with, you can never prepare yourselves for this heartbreak, learning to adjust is so difficult. Sounds stupid but I've dreaded this time, even from childhood.

I hope you find strength, reading posts on this forum gives me comfort knowing that I'm not alone.

Best wishes

Hi Nicola

I felt compelled to respond to your post.

i lost my beloved mum on 24 December 2019 and I feel the same way as you. 

I still cannot believe she has gone and I haven't broken down at all, like I thought I would. I'm still waiting for it to hit me. I'm been worried about my reaction since her death as I don't understand why I am not grieving how I would expect to grieve (ie crying all the time and unable to function). Mum was my absolute world and I just cannot understand why it hasn't hit me yet. I'm almost waiting for it to hit me. I would like for it to hit me so I can deal with it and try to "move forward". I feel like I'm in a limbo at the moment (almost 5 months on).
 

I went back to work in March and to be honest I did find that exceedingly difficult and it took me 5 weeks to phase back in. To begin with I couldn't even walk through the front door. It also completely exhausted me for weeks. I remember I would go to work for say 2 hours and then have to leave as I was exhausted and I then slept for the rest of the day. So please take it easy and do not be surprised if you find going back to work harder than you expected. I thought I would be okay going back to work but it was incredibly difficult. I'm pleased to say I am pretty much "back to normal" in terms of work now. 
 

I hope this posts helps a little, just so you know you are not alone in feeling how you are feeling. 
 

Alice

Hi Alice

Thank you so much for replying to my post. You've made me see that I'm not alone feeling how I do and I really appreciate that.

I'm sorry you lost your mum as well.

Everything you have said mirrors how I feel, I also want it to hit me so I can deal with it. I dread it but also want to face it.

Thank you for the advice when going back to work, I'm still not sure when I will return. I should be able to have a phased return and then work half days for a couple of weeks. I'm glad that you've been able to take time going back to work and that you've settled back to it, it's good to have some routine.

Thank you once again, you have really helped me.

Best wishes 

Nicola.

Hi Nicola

You are very welcome and it also helps me to know I am not the only one who feels like I do.

I feel exactly the same way too - I want it to hit me but at the same time I am dreading it. I feel like there is something wrong with me as there are so many posts on this forum about people who are severely struggling with a loss (even months and years after the loss) but it’s not like that for me (yet) and I just do not understand why I am having what I can only describe as a severely delayed reaction! It just seems so strange. 

I am also worried that when it does hit me, people won’t be as sympathetic as they will think that I should have “got over it” by that stage. It’s very difficult as I try to “will” myself to properly grieve but it’s just not coming! 

A phased return to work is a very good idea and I hope it goes well for you. Just take it easy and I think the best advice I can give is do not expect too much. Be happy if you can walk through the door. I think I went in with far too high expectations and then when I couldn’t even walk myself through the front door I felt absolutely dreadful. But persist and you will get there! 

My very best wishes

Alice

Hi Nicola,

im exactly the same. I lost my mum about 16 weeks ago, and ever since I've had moments where it's just unbearable but I keep thinking oh it's fine I'll see her later anyway. It's like I can't trick my brain into actually believing it, I'm constantly telling myself I'll see her or speak to her later so I don't need to be sad. We haven't cleaned out any of her things yet which none of us want to do at all, but seeing everything just how it was when she was here it's just so hard to imagine that she's gone. I am terrified for when I do start to believe it because it's going to be unbearable. I get so angry too, it's just not fair is it. My Aunty text me the other day saying how she was starting to feel better and happier and it wound me up- I just thought lucky for you! Everyone means well I just have no tolerance for anybody anymore and I'll happily take them on! I haven't seen my dad or my brother in weeks too cause of bloody corona. Just sick of it all.  Stay strong and somehow we'll get through this xxx

Hi RachWBA

Thank you for your reply to my post. I'm sorry you lost your mum.

I can completely relate to everything you say, it's such a surreal feeling. I start to get tearful and then it just goes, like a switch. I know that it will hit and like you,  know how unbearable it will be. 

I saw my mums husband in Sainsbury's last week and immediately I thought where's mum. Sometimes, I wish I could run and run and run and just never see familiar places ever again.

Sorting your mums things will be very difficult and I hope you have support when you do it. My mums husband returned every photo of my children that id given my mum a few days after she passed and I was told if I wanted anything I had to go to theirs and take what I wanted. Couldn't believe it as he put all of her clothes in the lounge and I had to take what I wanted. It was heartbreaking to say the least, I was so angry with him because what was the rush. I will never understand it. I've now got a wardrobe full of her clothes and shoes because at present I can't bear to let any of it go.

I understand what you mean about your aunty I guess she's trying to help you believe it will get better but you need to be able to take it at your own pace. My uncle tells me every time I speak to him that 'they only take the good ones'. Really, is that supposed to make me feel better? I know it's difficult to know what to say to comfort you but honestly it's better to say nothing. 

I hope that you are able to see your Dad and brother soon and that you can give each other ongoing support.

Thanks again and it's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Sending  you my best wishes.

Nicola x

Hi

feeling the need to read through your posts. I lost my mum 4 wks ago to bowel cancer. I'm just starting the journey and dread every minute of everyday. Don't want one day to end or the other to start. There is a slight comfort knowing your not on your own but an over whelming how do we go on, it takes your breath away. It helps talking to people who really know how you feel. Reaching out to any advise. Thankyou 

Hi Jayne

Thank you for replying to my post and reading my past ones. So sorry to read about your mum.

Every minute of the day I wish I could change my life and go back to when my mum was still with us. I miss her so so much, I think about her every second of every day. I just wish it hadn't been my mum that was taken.

This forum has helped me a lot as it does give me comfort to know that I'm not alone but nothing anybody can do or say will change things and I hate it that I can't see my mum anymore.

The last 3 weeks of my mums life were without doubt the worst time of our lives. Being told there was nothing that could be done for my mum was unbelievable and I spent it in denial but I sobbed, screamed and begged for it to be different. My mum was her usual rock and kept telling me I had to accept it but I just couldn't. She was 5 days short of her 75th birthday.

Since she's gone I have been waiting for reality to hit me, I thought I would be on the floor spending my days in a daze and unable to function. As yet I've not had this. I'm deeply sad all the time, I cry sometimes but then I push it away and it switches off. I went back to work 5 weeks after losing my mum, and only lasted 2 weeks. I've been off since. For me I believe the lockdown is having some effect of not accepting that my mum has gone, I have no routine and every day blends into one.

I have started talking on the phone with a lady from bereavement support team at the hospice. I've been unsure about it as I don't feel I'm grieving at all, still in denial as I truly believe my mum will be back.

The only way I get through each day is that I distract myself as much as I can. I have no motivation for anything but I've been very lucky that my daughter has been at home with me (she's just started another job) so I have been able to talk with her continuously. My children all had an amazing close relationship with their Nan, she helped me bring them up so was like a parent. I also read a lot of posts on here and that does keep me distracted. I have a big fear of grief, I want it to come but I dread it too.

Do you have support from family/friends? Do you feel able to speak to the hospice about bereavement support as it may help to talk to somebody who won't judge and you can cry, sob and rant as much as you need.

Sorry if I haven't been able to help as I still believe I'm not in the grieving stage yet, I'm still very angry at the world and I feel so envious of people who haven't experienced loss.

Wishing you all the best and hope you find strength while coming to terms with your loss.

Nicola x