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Struggling to cope... help me.

ZoeJ
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My dad fought prostate cancer for 8 years, unfortunately on the 5th of may 2020 cancer won, he was 83, he was an older dad, I'm 32, his youngest son is 28. 

I'm really struggling, even though his death was expected he took a nose dive, from  receiving the call, to saying goodbye, he lasted 10 hours.

The cancer not only killed him on the inside but also decimated who he was as a person, always keeping fit, running, weights, eating right ect... 

I can't speak to my family because the questions I want to ask will just upset them but it's really affected me..

During my dads last hours he was shouting out begging someone to help him and I just sat there, I didn't know what to do and just felt completely helpless, I just held his hand.

He also said a few times that he didnt feel well and he didnt like it, he wanted to sit forward and lean on a chair.

He was also saying he was scared and kept holding my mum for comfort... this was heartbreaking for me, I planned to go back later and see him ( after sorting kids out) but it didn't happen, and a few hours later he passed. 

I didnt get to say goodbye properly and didnt want to view his body the day after but I'm struggling with dealing with his final hours. I just keep seeing him in pain, confused and scared begging someone to help him. It consumes my day and I'm unable to sleep at night, I keep replaying his voice begging for someone to help him and gripping on to my mum saying hes scared.

I thought it would be so different, I thought he would pass peacefully in his sleep, instead he was confused and pulled his arm away from me when I tried to touch him. 

People say he is at peace now and in no more pain... but  I cant help but think, he died in pain and now hes in a bag in the morgue. 

his final hours haunt me. I cant move on.

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    I'm sorry for your loss I just read ur message, my husband had the same thing were he just wanted to sit forward, one of the nurses said it's because he knows it's near and that's why he didn't want to lie down for days, seeing some1 like that watching them fade away is the most horrendous thing ever, I feel ur pain hun sending my love, I also feel no one in my family get how I feel cause I was there on his last nyt by myself, it's hard an not sure how we get passed it day by day I suppose that's wat people keep telling me anyway xxx

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    Sadly I have felt the same pain as you. My mama also passed on the 5th May from pancreatic cancer. She was only 63 when she lost her battle, but she fought it with all her heart. She passed at home receiving palliative care. Like your father my mama was tee total, never smoked and did the right things to live well, that's what made it hard. I stayed with her every day and it was not easy to see my beautiful mama decline so quickly. I feel a little guilt because I stepped out of the room for a moment, then I realised she had gone. I looked at her and noticed she had shed a tear from each eye, it breaks my heart that I wasn't with her. However you cannot let it haunt you, you did all you could to ease the pain - just being there would have brought him some peace. Him pulling away from you was not personal, please do not torment yourself over this. I did the same thing, I still get the image every now and again, but I realise there was nothing more I could have done but be there, this is making things gradually easier. Take good care of yourself and I send you my good thoughts. Blessings.

  • Offline in reply to AtlasRose

    For anyone feeling guilty about not being there for the final moment...if you believe in the spiritual, I read that many times the loved one's spiritual self actually chooses to pass on when family is not in the room, whether it be that it's too hard to leave when family is near or to spare family or even to assert his/her dignity.

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