Guilty

My mum passed away last week from cancer. She was diagnosed with cancer of unknown primary in February which then spread to the brain two weeks ago resulting in her death. It seems everything was acting in its power to take her away from us, be it her getting cancer during the worst time I.e covid-19. The fact that when the oncologist first did the CT scan to see no tumour, and then next day when she collapsed and had a mild heart attack she was rushed to A &E where a Ct scan was done again and there was a tumour detected. How did the oncologist miss it the first time around is a mystery. To make it worse she was supposed to have 9 chemo treatments out of which she completed only 3..the others were either postponed or cancelled due to her platelet count being low... also on one of the days she was supposed to have her chemo hospital decided to move her treatment to a different hospital because of covid 19 patients, so it was cancelled on that day too. During this time the cancer started to spread to the brain when the doctors decided to do radio surgery but it didn't work and now she is gone. My family and I couldn't even visit her during the last two week hospital to comfort her...only my dad was allowed to visit for an hour. It saddens me to think she was all alone and depressed there with her deteriorating health condition, she couldn't speak, had lost vision in her eyes, at one point she couldn't even hold the phone to call my dad. 

I am terribly feeling guilty because when she was alive our relationship was not  great, i used to have arguments and fights all the time and I did not treat her the way she deserved to be treated...she was the most selfless woman who would do anything for her children and I did not give her the respect and love she deserved, I took her for granted, didn't do nice things for her, and even when she was ill I did not take her seriously....I was too self absorbed in my own bs...On the day of her death I should have asked for forgiveness which I didn't as I did not think she was going to die so soon... I thought she would have lived a little longer because that morning when my bro visited her she seemed ok..then suddenly at noon her condition worsened and she died.. now I have to live with this guilt forever...

  • Hi there ..

    Oh bless ya ... please stop the guilt .. we all feel guilty about something ..  but honestly .. I have my first born son, who I've fallen out with .. or rather he'd fall out with me, over the years ... even me being in hospital having a total right masectomy in 2017 , for a grade 3 breast cancer,  didn't move him enough to visit .. though I looked at my ward doors , the 3 days I was in, always hoping ...

    I've even called him, and sent a poem , I thought may show him how much I loved and missed him .. but nothing back .. so I have stopped and stepped back now, though my door will always be open for him, I'm no longer waiting at the door, if that makes sense...

    And my one biggest fear, is if this cancer takes me, I'm so so scared he will feel like you do now ... I'm so so proud of him .. and know it was his ex wife who wanted to split us up ... but he couldn't see that .. most mum's I know, love our kids unconditionally... weather we fought with them, or like my other son, who we've never had a cross word .. but at the end of the day, adored them both ... 

    I know down deep my son loves me, but think pride comes first ... but that doesn't matter .. there is nothing he could do, to make me stop loving him ... your mum knows you love her... mum's don't need to hear it ... we know ... sending you a vertual hug.... so so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment... but please know , it's just o.k .... Chrissie x

  • Chrissie, I am so sorry you are having to go through this..I hope you recover soon and I really hope your son will get in touch with you. I am sure he loves you very much. It is just horrible living with this guilt I wish I had atleast said sorry for all the hurt and grief I had caused her on the day she died...I never got the chance to fix things for the only person in this world who truly cared about me, I was so so cruel to her.....  I just hope she would send me some kind of a sign that she has forgiven me for eveyrything......I really hope your son doesn't have to go through this in order to realise that he could have done things differently..much love x 

  • Hi ...

    Well you want a sign ... you come on here, maybe through me your mum is telling you .. it's o.k .. there's nothing to forgive .. she knows ... or why would I have read your thread .. and know me and my lad are exactly the same .. I don't need him to tell me .. your mum is trying to say the same...

    Your not the first to feel like that with a parent, you won't be the last ... and if my son ever feels guilty, I'll kick him up the bum ... if you carry this guilt, your mum will look down and feel sad .. and maybe kick you up the bum too ..

    I'm proud of my lad .. she's proud of you, weather you believe that or not .. you can live your life feeling guilty ... or you can show others kindness .. for your mum .. we cannot change the past, but we can make a difference in the future .. so go on, make her proud .. and when someone needs a helping hand .. or you see someone treating their mum unkind, you can tell them your story ... 

    So it's up to you ... I hope you choose the second option .. coz I can see your mum right now, ready to give you a gentle kick ... go on, every time you help someone, doesn't even have to cost anything .. a gentle word .. a shoulder to lean on ... Will take a bit of that pain away .. just look up, and say, that ones for you mum ...  

    Maybe it was your mum that brought you here, so I could send you this message ... she knows ... and she loves you too ... Chrissie  

  • Dear Chrissie..

    Thank you so much, yes I will bear that in mind, my mum was the kindest and gentle soul..I definitely need to pass on her legacy and I will. I hope you get better soon and pray that your son reaches out to you xx

  • [@Lostsoul89]‍ 

    You are welcome x