Hi all,

I've posted on here a few times, I lost my darling Nan on 31st January 2020 from secondary bone and liver cancer. Her death was shocking and she was only diagnosed 3 weeks before her death. I definitely feel like each day it's getting harder and harder. I have to actively stop myself from thinking about her final day of life or else I end up in such a state. 

Watching my Nan die is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, it makes me feel physically sick to accept that was my Nan and that she has infact passed away. I really didn't want to be present in the room but the whole family was there and it felt like it would be really selfish to step out. I also desperately wanted to be there for her to provide any last comfort I could. 
 

The memories of that night haunt me, they randomly pop into my head at the most random moments. It's almost like I can't believe it happened. Death terrifies me and I know it terrified her, which is what upsets me so much. I hate the fact she is no longer living and that she was taken from us. 
We laid with Nan after she passed (she died in her home in her bed) and that vision pops into my head and really distresses me. I cannot believe I saw my beautiful, strong, loving, courageous Nan laying there without her spirit. It upsets me so much and I cannot process it or accept it. I think back to her when I was a child and how much I loved and adored her and then I think of her that night and think I can't believe she has been taken from me. I feel so robbed of such an amazing guidance in my life. 

Her death was unpleasant and she was scared and in pain, which isn't something we were prepared for. Seeing her light go out is just too much for me to handle. 

Fortunately I have a big family and have my amazing Mum. I frequently feel heartbroken for my mum and know that however painful this is for me, it's so much worse for her. 
 

Sorry I feel like I'm rambling a bit now, I'm just finding this grief so tough and I don't know how to deal with it.