Hi Nicola I know just how you feel. My mum had a mastectomy in Jan 19 followed by radiotherapy and was told she was clear. Just a week before Christmas she developed a cough and in January was told that the cancer had spread to her lungs but that the prognosis was good. They couldn't cure her but the oncologist was confident that they could extend her life, possibly by quite a few years. This didn't happen. After just 2 weeks on mild chemotherapy and herceptin mum developed a chest infection and went into hospital. After 3 weeks they acknowledged that although the infection was gone the cancer was very aggressive and she would need oxygen at home to keep her levels up. She was discharged on Monday afternoon and died in the early hours of Wednesday morning. I feel so angry that she hated being in hospital and couldn't wait to get home, she was so happy on the Monday night. We knew she didn't have long but we thought weeks not hours. The only comfort is that she died in her own bed with her family with her, I was actually in bed with her with my arm around her when she passed. I am so angry that she didn't get longer at home.

I don't understand how it is possible to hurt as much as this and still be alive. Although I'm not married and have no children I am lucky enough to have a great family around me but I don't want to keep upsetting them. My mum and I lived together so I miss her every hour of the day and night. I have health problems myself so I'm in self isolation but to be honest I couldn't care less about coronavirus. I know that is awful because people are fighting for their lives but I would just think I'd get to be with my mum quicker. I have faith that she is in a better place and is not suffering anymore and I know I will see her again someday but it just seems so far away and I don't know how to keep going in the meantime. People are talking about life after this lockdown being back to normal and for a minute I'm ok until I realise that my sense of normal has gone forever. I'm sorry this isn't a positive reply to your post but I thought at least you would know that you aren't the only person feeling this way. Don't let anyone push you back to work if you are not ready, you know what you are capable of and if you don't feel you could care for a patient right now you are doing the right thing. Thinking of you. 

Hi Star2000, thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply. I'm so sorry for your loss, how cruel is life? The shock must still be unbearable as you had such little time. My mum was so grateful for the few extra years she had but the vile cancer was there just lurking and waiting to pounce.  When you are given hope and it's pulled away so quickly I can totally understand your anger. I can identify with so many things you have said and I too feel so numb towards Coronavirus, I know it's a terrible disease but I don't have the fear like so many do. It is a comfort to know you understand how I feel (although I wish you didn't) and I totally understand your closeness. I am a mum and my children have and are being fantastic but the whole family dynamics have changed. They hate seeing me cry and their loss is also huge as my mum was such a big part of the family, they also saw her constantly. 
Of my mums last 3 weeks, one of them was spent in hospital which she hated, it was a bit like a rollercoaster, there were so many times our hopes were raised as there was a possibility that treatment was an option. Hopes were dashed and she was given months. The day she came out of hospital she had radiotherapy for pain relief and she was like a new woman. It was so lovely to see her moving around again pain free. The Oncologist had delivered the blow that she had weeks rather than months but we were all in total denial as mum wasn't jaundiced, she was eating and drinking and moving around. It was though they had made a mistake. I'm so grateful that her last bit of time was like that for her as it wasn't until the last 2 days she stayed in bed and slept, her decline was rapid. She was put on a syringe driver on the Friday morning. The district nurse wasn't very gentle and didn't even bother to wake her up when inserting the line. Mum really cried out and that still haunts me, my lovely mum, she had the strongest pain threshold and never complained about a thing. We lost her that night and she too had her family around her, just before the end she managed to sit up in bed and cuddle me, a memory that I will always treasure. Where she found the strength I will never know as by then she was back in agony. It was such an aggressive cancer. Mum so wanted to make her 75th birthday but even that was taken from her and she was taken just 5 days before. Prior to all this we'd been arranging her birthday treat at the Ritz as we had taken her there for her 65th and she wanted to do it again. Even though I had those few weeks nothing can prepare you for the loss and as you say nothing will ever be normal again. Life is just so unfair for some, and even though mum did everything she was told by her consultant, it was no help. I know people who continue to take the risks but somehow they are fine. We were broken into about 6 weeks after we lost mum, they managed to take something very small because I disturbed them as sleeping isn't something that comes to me now. It's just the injustice, they are walking around fit and healthy and my precious mum had been taken.

 I'm grateful that she didn't suffer for weeks on end but what I would do for this to be a horrible nightmare and I wake up from it all.
Sorry this is such a rant again and thank you for your support. I'm due back at work Monday so will see how I feel later in the week. 
 

Thinking of you too

Thanks for your reply Gtp. So sorry to hear about your mum. Just so hard to say goodbye. Losing my mum has definitely been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've noticed I feel quite anxious which is something I've not experienced before so that's why I feel I wouldn't be any help at work.  I know I need to try and focus on work and I need sort myself out. It's just such a difficult time. Thank you for your support.

Hi Gtp, thank you so much for your support and advice. I can identify with the feelings you talk about, I still have so much anger and the empty feeling is really overwhelming. I know I have to look after myself through all this but I'm a terrible worrier of what others think, I feel extremely guilty for not helping to support my colleagues but equally when I return to work I need to be able to do my job.

The forum is a good place to get support and realise you are not alone, you have definitely helped. Thanks again. Take care, Nicola.

Hi again nichola i suppose with being frontline nhs you will have seen your fair share of death if your colleages had sufferd the loss you have they wouldn't be sending you messages like you deserted them shakspear summed it up he said everyones an expert at dealing with grief till they have to deal with it themselves forget them they arnt important at this moment in time you are its such a short time since you lost your mum just you look after yourself till you get your emotional energy back we go a bit bonkers for a while but we come back i know this conovirus is causing shortages of staff but if you feel this way you shouldnt be there .i went to the gp as i was struggling they gave me something wether it worked or not ime unsure but yes you go ime sure it will help just to tide you over .but you will be ok doont worry we all do .yep counciling does help you get to ask a professional about things and they have some answers.but in cancers case there arnt any you just need to take it easy no big decisions as it will bring anxiaty on .just keep telling yourself mums around watching i beleive she will be theres more in this world than we will ever know .we all empathise with you so you just look after yourself we all need you at nhs but not till your ok and thinking straight .paul

Hi ye that guilt always comes with grief hey you cant look after others if your not right yourself so no guilt eh. Yes it is horrendous whatching a love die as to coming to terms time dose blunt your memories your brain puts these memories in a box and locks them away but they slip out now and then .buts thats in the future just one day at a time is all you can do .have you tried local hospice i went there i dont know where you live but i was luck i got straight in and they deal with this every day it comes from experiance not from books

Hi, I'm on the waiting list for counselling from the hospice but I think it will take some time. My GP is very supportive and has signed me off for another 2 weeks. She said that I need to be 100% focussed at work and at this time I'm not. I will always feel bad about it all but if it was somebody else in my shoes I would totally understand their reasons for not being able to cope at this time. Everyone at work knows how much my mum means to me, even though I'm a mum I was still so dependent on her and never cut the apron strings. We got on so well though and loved spending time with each other so there was never any need. GP has told me to contact MIND as she thinks it will be quicker than hospice and wants me to wait before taking medication as she doesn't want me to mask these feelings at this time. I wish I could fast forward 5 years and be in a better place but as you say this will take time. Thanks for your advice and support, you have helped me a lot. Best wishes, Nicola.

I tried mind but didnt have much sucess might you ring head counciler and explain how you need to be back at nhs they may fast track you . But dont feel guilty bad enough your loss without feeling guilty hope you can get some you know yourself talking to a professional is better than the likes of me we trust more you just look after yourself the pain does dwindle regards paul

Nichola, I have been suffering from anxiety too and getting really bad panic attacks. I'm already on lots of meds because I have M.E and Fibromyalgia so I doubt that the doctor could give me anything that would help. My brother is living with me at the minute and has been off work because of coronavirus and to be honest I don't know how I'd cope without him. I can't even talk to the rest of my family on the phone because I just cry and then they worry about me. Thank God for texts so I can manage to keep in touch that way. I genuinely believe our mums are watching over us and the fact that I will see mine again is what is keeping me going. Thinking of you and the other posters who are suffering from the same loss. xx