Hello FairDoosWhiteDove, 

A warm welcome to our forum. It sounds like you have been through a truly taumatic experience as a teenager and that it has left a deep mark on you even thirty years later. You obviously had to be strong for your mum when you were very young and were not as a result able to grieve properly at the time. Our information on coping with grief will explain to you the different stages involved in the grieving process and will highlight that grieving is a very individual thing which will differ from one person to another. 

I definitely think you would benefit from talking to your doctor about it and seeing whether they might be able to offer something like grief counselling. Drinking too much is definitely not a solution and your GP will also have helpful suggestions to help you deal with this and help you stop or reduce your drinking.

It's already an important step that you have come here to talk to others about these intense emotions and I hope that you will hear from some of our members who are currently going through this or have been in a similar place before. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator  

Hi 

I'm 29 now and lost my mum to cancer when I was 13, I was an only child and didnt really understand at the time. I knew my mum wasnt well but didnt understand death, she was 46 when she passed. She was diagnosed when I was 3 so didnt have much of a life with a sick mum. Now I'm 29, over the past few years I've realised I didnt grieve properly and my best friend suggested forums. I dont have anyone to talk to about it as noone understands which isnt their fault. But I hurt. So much. It does not get easier with time, just easier to deal with as such. 

I want to scream, cry so hard and shout but always hold it in as noone understands or knows what to do or say. I hate feeling alone with this feeling. Hoping others can relate to me.