Dear Nicola, 

I have to say when reading this that I was struck by what a beautiful relationship you had with your mother. It was truly heart warming to read and more than anything was an affirmation of how very beautiful this life, despite its cancers and its horrors, can be. 
 

Secondly, there is no right way to grieve. Ever. There is no manual or "how to" guide or any rules you have to follow. You grieve however you feel best. But remember, it's always worthwhile looking after your mental health and maybe thinking about seeking some counselling just to ensure that you are properly processing everything and not just bottling it up. But it's perfectly ok to not show emotions, as long as it's for the healthy reasons (just your way to grieve) rather than the unhealthy ones (bottling up). 
 

xxx

Hi Nichola so sorry about your poor mum . Sounds like you have done some grieving before you lost your mum the only thing we realy know obout grief is what we see on to the  tv but its its not like this at all so if we dont feel like that we think we are not grieving properly grief is such a personal lonely thing let me say your grieving ok .its i bit like stood in the sea with your back to the waves they splash on our backs and we are ok then we get the big one and it flattens us but you know it dosnt last lets say eventualy the tide goes out . Have you had counciling it can realy help as we all have questions and councilers can give us a few answers i went to to hospice they do counciling  and i thought these councilers deal with death every day and its not out of books i was right . Goodness it realy was a lifeline as like you were with your mum my liz was my go to person the love of my life so althoe ime not going to say i know how you feel because know one does but i realy empathise with you . But just hold ond take one day at a time and what your feeling now is your way of grieving not like otheres think you should eventualy your agony will dwindle just needs time and doing a bit with that time ive lost just about everyone so i know your pain my sympathys but how lucky your were were and are to have that lovely mum .shes still around in you .theres t post on here from Sarah pine8 called sighns after loss have a read if you feel like it it may help or at least take your mind off it for a while theres many who have posted on there food for thought . Best wish paul

Dear Qwerty01, thank you very much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. I had an amazing relationship with my mum and that's why I expected to be in a completely different place to what I am now. She was was loved by so many and had the time of day for everyone. She loved life and I know would never choose to leave. I lost my dad in 2016 (parents were divorced)  My relationship with him wasn't as close but he was very loved. His loss was very unexpected, the shock horrific and I cried continuously but felt I dealt with his death. I met a work colleague unexpectedly yesterday and was able to tell her about my mum and kept thinking 'how am I holding myself together'. She said it's the shock. I'm going back to work Monday (dreading it) but will see how I get on. Thank you for your suggestion of seeking counselling, I have thought about it for a while and do wonder if I'm somehow delaying my grief as I'm so afraid of it. Her death wasn't easy to deal with but I won't go into it. I'm also very angry at her lack of care and maybe that is having an effect. The hospice doesn't offer counselling for 6 weeks but I will put my name on the waiting list. Thank you once again and I wish you all the best. Nicola.

Hi Paul, thank you for your reply and so sorry for your loss of your loved ones, life is so very cruel to some. I totally understand what you are saying about the waves, sometimes I wish I could fast forward 5 years but not miss out on all the other lovely memories I will make.  I do have lots of anger as I don't feel my mums care was the best and felt we were left to deal with her diagnosis without any support. I understand hospice has had cuts in funding but still it's horrible to feel like this. I have lots of anger to the world for taking my precious mum from me but it does help coming on this forum as you realise other people are as devastated as yourself and to see that life does go on.  My mum loved life and was terrified of dying, when that terrible time came my mum was so scared and I had to talk my mum through her breathing convincing her she was ok. We had so much trust in each other (I was with her throughout all her diagnosis and treatment) so maybe I still haven't come to terms with that side either. I love to think mum is still with me and some days I genuinely feel her presence but as yet I've had no signs that she's here still. I agree that counselling is my next stage. Hospice doesn't offer for 6 weeks but will definitely make contact with them. I will also have a read of the other post you said about. Thank you once again and I appreciate your kindness in answering my post. Wishing you all the best. Nicola.

Your welcome yes i agree nhs is just to overprescribed it takes to long for s acans etc i felt angry myself but it does dwindle i think we are still in the dark ages .plus i think the media seems to portray only people that are survivers but its far from how it is in real life time to heal yourself in a way griefs griefs an illness in a way you will be emotionally exhausted you did everything you could could sounds like you realy looked after your mum a credit to you that not everyone is luck to have that bond you both had and have just take it one day at a time trust me one day the sun will shine again its strange we still feel them in us and around love never dies i talk to my liz all the time .theres more going on than we will ever understand or are ment to .youl see your mum again but as a dad myself i would want my kids to have a happy life as your mum wll .p

Thanks for your reply Paul. I know you are right and my mum would never want me to be unhappy. I'm very lucky, my children are great and really look after me. They were also exceptionally close to my mum. She really was an amazing lady. I look forward to the anger subsiding cos it isn't really me to be this way and I hope the counselling helps. Thank you so much for your advice, it's nice to know how kind people can be. Best wishes, Nicola. 

Nicola,

So sorry to read about your Mum.

It is pretty common for people not to react in a stereotypical way to the death of a loved one. It may partly be denial, partly relief that their suffering and pain is finally over but I also belief that anticipatory grief plays a role. 

My guess is that the hospice doesn't offer counselling for six weeks to give your mind time to reach an acceptance of the loss - pointless being counselled until the initial stages of the grieving process are over. If we're in denial, wewon't benefit from talking about the feelings that we're not yet experiencing.

Best wishes

Dave