Accepting defeat

Hello, 

I don't really know where to go with this because I've never been honest or open with my emotions. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer 6 years ago. Our world came crashing down around us just at the mention of the C word. My dad has been so brave and put up one hell of a fight. He now has a colostomy bag and has had most of his stomach removed. He has been through endless sessions of chemo and I'm so incredibly proud and grateful that we've gotten this long.  My dad was rushed into hospital last week with pain in his abdomen and scans results revealed that his cancer had spread and was growing very aggressively. The tumours are causing a blockage to the area surrounding his colostomy. I know I've had 6 years of time thanks to the doctors and his will to fight. He is tired of fighting and I'm ok with that because it's not me in pain and having to endure the disease. The doctors say without treatment we have weeks. I have no idea how to process or accept that it's imminent. My dad is my best friend and the first person I call when I need to talk or need help, My champion. I feel a little robbed and I can't even tell him how much I love him because the words get stuck in my throat and I can't get them out past the pain and I'm so scared that I hurt him by telling him how I'm feeling or by saying all the things I want to say. It breaks my heart thinking he is afraid of dying and I don't want to make him worried that I won't be able to cope when he is gone. I get angry with the world when I go out and see people getting on with day to day life while my hearts screaming out in pain. I know it's the way it has to be I just don't know how to accept it.

 

thanks for taking the time to read x

csc x

 

  • Hi CSC

    I have just begun this journey with my dad and and feel exactly as you do my dad is my total rock :( 

    Thinking of you

  • I'm so sorry your having to go through this. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I know that when people try and comfort you by saying its going to be ok it just angers you because you think well what if it's not. I wish you the best possible healing and comfort in this. I hope that you have as much time and love to give and receive as is humanly possible. 
     

    please take care of yourself x

  • Sorry for your circumstances it is not at all easy I can still recall my emotions of 20 years ago when 

    My father was diagnosed  in some way it has prepared me as I am now stage 3 advance or the 

    Prostate 

     

  • I'm sorry to hear that David. I'm not quite clued up on the staging apart from the stage 4 as it's all I've ever known. I hope that this means you have a strong fighting chance to kick it's ***! I have so much admiration for people and their courage that are going through this horrible disease and I have no idea how you manage or your state of mind because my dads always been the strong brave person in my presence and I'm not sure how other people deal with it. I hope you have a great support network and that you push on through this. I hope if anything your history dealing with your father and from my post you understand that even if your loved ones don't tell you how they feel that they love you unconditionally. 

  • Hi there ... so so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment...

    But the one thing I've learned in my lifetime .. and I've been on my cancer journey 2 and a half years ... it's o.k to both admit your scared .. leave nothing unsaid .. you'll regret not saying what's in your heart, when it's too late to say it ... and you can't go back ... he's probly trying to be strong for you too ... then no one gets to say those things or hear them ..

    We never get long enough with those we love .. but that's the circle of life .. it can't be stopped .. but if you can, you will look back and be so glad you did .. talk and listen ... you were blessed to have had him in your life ... some never have that relationship you have ... 

    Sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie xx

  • Thanks for your words of encouragement for me I have always said to myself it is in the email just waiting for the send button I was diagnosed 2 years ago with stage 3 advance of the prostate so the way forward for me is just plain acceptances accept life on life's terms I had radiotherapy and prosap injection but thing have changed and I am now on zitaga and persodene still having off days but my way of reason is the clock of life is only wound once am extremely fortunate here in glasgow the hospital is amazing and I also recommend maggies they are brilliant David

  • I also live in the Glasgow area. The nurses in the hospital recommended maggies to me also. The staff in the hospital were amazing in how the dealt with us and allowed us in at all hours to see my dad. Your positive attitude on life and acceptance of it is inspiring. I wish I had known about this forum over the years. You seem like an incredibly brave person David and I really do wish you all the best in your journey

  • Thank you Chrissie. 
     

    I go through what I want to say in my head but we've always been so strong and he raised me to never show weakness so I guess it makes it hard to be soft infront of him. I want to say the words I just struggle to get them past the huge lump of emotion stuck in my throat. I've thought about writing it down and letting him read it but I'm so scared incase he's being strong and I break him. Life's incredibly cruel and if anything I've learned we're just on borrowed time. I guess when you grow up you imagine your parents growing old and not that something will sweep in and take that away. I'm incredibly lucky for the 25 years I've had him by my side x

  • Hi ime so sorry it must be a terrible strain seeing your poor dad suffering and not being able to show your emotions i was similer had to teach myself to let that go its a prison .might i suggest you write a note to your dad telling him you love him and thanking him for making you the person you are and give hime it to read you need to do it your only going to get this chance once be to late later so summon up your courage its not weakness to show emotions and you feel so much better for it trust me on that .sorry again ive just had a major bowle op so i know some of the discomfort your dad must have must be quite an extraordinary man dont be haunted by the what ifs .paul

  • Thank you Paul. I think the letter may be the way I go. As you said I'm scared of the what ifs and the unsaid. I'm so scared of hurting him because he's such a strong person and im worried he won't be able to handle what I say. I wish you well in your recovery and thank you again for the advice.