She died at the end of June. I still feel miserable and lost. I have no one I can talk to and I dont feel like I have any way of improving my life. She didnt deserve this, and I dont see why she had to die. She was 56 and just retired about to go see the world, instead she gets rushed to hospital and never sees home again.

Hi roxy sorry your feeling this way i think we all feel that way when we loose a partner child or parant we try and barter our lives with god i would gladly have swapt my life for hers in a second but we cant that dosnt mean your mums not around watching over you our bodys die but the energy that is us call it our soul or essence or whatever is still there .junes not long realy it takes a long time to come to terms with a loss have you got family for support othere than your dad an aunty you can chat to counciling maybe help you as i because the worlds gone back to normal but your still suffering people that havnt gone through loss havnt the faintest idea how to help so change the subject when you need to talk .youve done first step of healing yourself by coming onto this site do you have kids are u single or lonely loneliness is a horrible thing lets us know a bit about yourself if you want to chat it is a rotton disease it takes young and old . Ime a dad and i wouldnt want my kids to suffer so just take it easy cry when you feel like crying try and brake the cycle of dark thoughs going round in your head if its effecting your daily life see your gp they can help short term as you seem to have hit rock bottom theres only one way and thats back up and talking is the best without daupt we are no conulation but you can talk to us at least we understand was your dad allways cold to you or since your mum passed he will be suffering to maybe in denial i had a dad that was very introverted but if i was stuck he was always around he may have had a cold uobringing in my case it left scars and self blame till i realised he was far worse than i and probably sufferd emotional neglect far worse than i may i ask why you think this about him . P

My father was always cold towards me, this isn't anything new. He used to blame me for things that were nothing to do with me, told me I was worse than my violent, abusive brother. He stood by and watched my brother beat me up for years and told me I had no right to be angry with him because 'his head isnt working clearly' but when I develop depression from how Im treated he then tells me that he is clearly stronger than me because if someone did that to him he wouldnt be bothered. He also blamed me for my brothers behavior (my older brother) because I couldnt stop him. He told me if I talked about this I will cause problems and hurt my mother (so in other words using her as leverage to shut me up). It got so bad that it effected my education and overall wellbeing and I feel robbed. I have explained this and then Im told how I feel and what I want isnt important and i just need to shut up and look after everyone else. 

I would like to add that if I ask him to back off or I attempted to leave the house, he and my brother would try to grab and restrain or trap me, and if i did get out, my dad would get in a car and follow me, screaming at me to get in. If I refused, he would go speeding and put himself at risk of a crash just to inflict guilt and fear in me that he could be hurt, and if I saw him later and tried to talk to him I'd be told that he 'forgives me' for my 'attitude.' So much for being strong when he cant handle me having boundaries. 

I dont believe in god or souls or any of that now, mum believed but a loving god would not allow this to happen.

Im single, 28, no kids, struggling to make ends meet and part way through gender transition, so I already had a lot on my plate before this. I just feel like living is a waste of time now.

Hello Roxy1991

I'm so sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you. I'm unsure from your posts if you've ever discussed your mental health with your GP or a health professional but even if you have, please do make an appointmentto see them. They are best placed to offer advice and support in dealing with everything that you have going on. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator

Wow now i understand your dad being the way he is . It sounds like he has been using you as a whipping boy over the years its mentle  abuse is that and that can be worse i realy feel for you the world dosnt seem to understand that nature makes mistakes and anything diffrent people are ignorant and fear it .you need to get help from your mentle health team theres allways ways dont think about doing anything your to important in this world to leave it your only young be strong and the world will be your oyster keep chatting sounds like just telling me maybe has let your feelings out remember your not alone your just by yourself theres a big diffrence .paul

I'm seeing a therapist at the LGBT Foundation in Manchester for support, my appointment start in a few weeks. They contacted my doctors because they are concerned I could be a suicide risk. I often feel like life is pointless and while I dont directly plan anything I do contemplate death a lot and hypotheticals around it.

A lot of these problems have been going on with my father for over a decade and I only really got a break from it from uni. I've used some of the money my mother left me to put into an apartment I'm buying, but I feel so lost I dont even know what I want to do with my life and I feel like it's all been meaningless.

Roxy no ones life is meaningless you have a chance to escape the abuse with your new apartment just take one day as it comes concentrate on who you want to be i felt like i ddidnt want to go on when the love of my life passed away .but i kept going and althoe it sometimes feel i would rather be with her i dont feel that every day now you need time how are you for friends are you lonely you know you have loads of friends out there you just haven't met them yet there are all sorts of social groups and when you get your flat it will be so much better for you .be strong hey ime not religiouse in fact ime a real lodgical thinker and some of the things ive had after liz died has realy changed the way i see death i know ill see liz again but not just yet .your mums mums passing was so unfair but theres theres no fairness with this rotton evil disease just look to getting your flat it gets eisier ive lost all my family mum dad and a grandson so ime no stranger to grief just give it time .

I just dont want to be here without her, she was my closest friend as well as my mum we did everything together. She wont get to see me move out, or get married or have kids. She was so young and it just feels like everythings ruined for me, because theres gonna be a big hole where she was. I cry multiple times a day and I dont want to live particularly long anymore. Just cross off everything I wanted to do and then curl up and die so I dont drag on my time without her.

You just have to hold on your mum made you to go out and have a good life not give up you just have to give it time theres no such thing as painless grief but that pain goes eventualy  one day you will wake up and the sun will be shinning and it will not hurt as much thats how it is ime nearly 66 and i thought my life had ended when my partner gave her last breath since then ive had sepsis then another massive infection in hospital again had an accident 4 percent burns and a massive six hour bowle op i thiught crumbs i may not wake up after this now ive realised how important my life is to me there were othere in my ward so ill i felt a fraud they wanted to live to please dont throw you life away its a prescious gift your mum gave you dont throw it back at her you have to make your mum proud now even thoe physicaly shes not there i said physicaly not her energy if you have been to university one of the fundamentle things they tell you is energy cannot be made or destroyed and thats what we are .paul