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I miss my mum

Morrit
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May 19th 2019 I lost mum. Short battle, caught late. She had spent the last 10 years of her life in pain and looking after other people. She was there when dad died in 2015, he had spent 10 years with Alzheimers, she was there when I became disabled, she helped when my wife abandoned me. She worked so hard looking after her elderly parents. The stress on her was enormous. She had a brother and a sister who never helped. I begged and begged them to give her a hand. I pleaded with them, I had already lost one parent, and mum was being driven to an early grave. She never slept, smoked like a chimney, ate badly. Then one day she got given a blood test. They called her in. It was terminal. It wasn't enough time. We got the better part of 5 months before she went. I held her hand as she passed away. And that was it. I was alone. Noone truly understands the difference between being alone and lonely. I have no brothers or sisters, no children. I have no immediate family. I'm it. The family photos of holidays, I have no memory of. Questions about my childhood, noone will ever answer. I have no safe space where I will be safe. I know it's pathetic. I'm nearly 40 for gods sake. But I am really really struggling. And I can't cope. I can'tbbring myself to visit their graves. I can't bring myself to visit my grandmother. I have depression. Had it for a long time. My partner tries to help but she doesn't understand. She has a big family. She tries but it's very very likely she will never feel alone. I'm glad about that. Noone should have to feel like this.

I can't cope. I'm broken. Nothing seems to help. People are getting sick of seeing me cry, so I hide myself away.

I do feel suicidal. I wish I had the guts to do it. But I don't. I've just stopped caring. I'm angry and I argue with my partner all the time. I know I'm pushing her away but I can't stop it. She will leave no doubt. I try to look to the future but all I can see is mum lying there. She was delirious and shouting and writhing about. She had an infection. Hours later she was dead. The day before we were laughing and having a good time. The next day it was over. 

I don't know what to do. I tried ringing the local cruse, left messages. I hired my own counsellor, spent what little savings I had. 8 or so sessions and he said my mum and dad were bad parents. I stopped going. They weren't. 

I don't know what to do or where to turn. What's the point? I want to run away. Disappear. Become someone else entirely. But I'm stuck. Bed ridden. Poorly, broke. Surviving on the meagre benefits I can get.

I want to be with them again. 

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    God help you morrit

    You are in a bad place and I know what you are feeling, I have terminal oesophagus cancer with secondary liver and I have face knowing since 5 th December 19, I am completely alone from day one, no partner or family and my mother died last Sunday 26 th January two days before my birthday I have had everything to sort out funeral, insurance policies bank and her personal items, I also started my first course of palative chemotherapy Friday and hoping to be able to attend mums funeral on the 18 th February in decent condition.

    I have not told you the above to out do you or for sympathy, I am telling you what is keeping me together, and I struggle, my help comes from my local hospice, they are not just there for the dying they are there for the bereaved and others.

    I receive counceling and relaxation techniques the hospice has been there for me from the moment I phoned and told them my struggles, they have even offered to take me to my mothers funeral to give me support.

    Get in touch with your local hospice today.

    All the best

    Alanm

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    Hello Morrit, 

    I am so sorry for your loss.  You have obviously been through a lot and this is a time when you need help to talk through what happened and to find the support you need to deal with your depression. This is all still very raw for you and what happened in such a short space of time must have come as a real shock to you and it is totally normal to be feeling broken and to feel like you want to hide, to be reliving those last images of your mum in your head. We have information on our website on Coping with Grief which you can find here and which will describe in detail the different complex stages of the grieving process and how grieving is very personal and affects individuals differently. It was a good idea of yours to try and get in touch with Cruse Bereavement Care and I hope you manage to speak to someone. Perhaps you could also go and talk to your GP and mention to your doctor what your experience of counselling was like and whether they would have some suggestions or alternatives for you. 

    You are not alone and I know this is a particularly tough time for you and your loved ones but we are all there for you anytime you need to talk. There is also the Samaritans helpline which is there to listen to you if you are feeling low at any time of the day or night every single day of the year so don't hesitate to get in touch with them on 116 123 - it's a free number. You can find out more about Samaritans here. 

    We're thinking of you  and your family during this difficult time. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Morrit,

    Would it help you to know that you have just helped me?  Distraught as you are, despondent, poorly and heartbroken, YOU have helped ME.  My mother died three days ago.  She was 89.  Yes, she lived a long life, but it was not without its tragedies as well. She loved us dearly and we don't know what to do without her. Most of the time, I am in such deep pain I want to hurt myself. But, when I read your story, I wanted to reach out and comfort you.  I, too, feel very alone and I feel deeply for your pain.  I wish I could do something, beyond sending compassionate thoughts, to help you.  I can't advise you - who am I to tell you anything? But I think you reached out because you do want to live. You do want to find a way to survive your deep pain.  You want the hope of a better tomorrow.  Or one, at least, where you feel OK. I know my mum would want me to live the rest of the life that she gave me as well as I can. I know she would want me to reach out and help others.  I know she would want me to seek help when I need it. Your lovely mum would too. I am sure of it. Please reach out to people who will listen with a sympathetic and non-judgemental ear.  Sites like these. The hospice. Support groups. Church (even if you are not religious, the great faiths can teach us much about love and hope).  Strive to survive, find peace - maybe even a little happiness - and share what you can share.  Thank you for the privilege of allowing me to reach out to you at a time when I am in deep pain myself. Know that you are worth it and know that others are thinking of you and praying for you.     

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    I truly understand xx. I am an only child. I was with my mam at the doctors when they told her she had a shadow on her lung. She was a smoker. But. She did not deserve to go through the awful suffering that she did. It breaks my heart 're living the pain she was in. Watching her- my mam suffer. We got her home after 7 weeks in hospital.  She had 1 day at home. My heart is truly broken.  My family are getting tired of me. I've also tried suicide.  I don't know where to turn x

  • in reply to Cla_ton

    Hi Cla_ton,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. I just saw your post and wanted to reply to say I'm very sorry to read about your mam. I can only imagine how incredibly tough this must be for you and it sounds like you've been through an awful lot.

    I just wanted to say that I'm glad you've found this forum and I hope you find it a support at this difficult time. Please use this as a safe space to write down your thoughts or worries. It's a very understanding community here and we're always here for support and to listen.

    I would also encourage you to seek some professional support - it's often really helpful to speak to others who can help and who are perhaps more neutral too, as it can be difficult sometimes speaking to those who are closer to you.

    If you're feeling particularly low again, do give Samaritans a call on 116 123 - they're always around to listen.

    The organisation Cruse can also offer support after bereavement, so do have a look at their website.

    There are always people around to help and to speak to, and one other option could be a local counsellor, who can be a valuable resource.

    Do continue to let us know how you're getting on if you can? We're always here to help.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Ben

    Hello Morrit,

     

    Could you give an update to let us know how you are? I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mum to cancer on 17th May and it hurts to write it. She was diagnosed in April last year and it was painful to see her slowly detoriate where she was gone in a year. I wasnt there to say farewell and in fact did not get to say bye at all. She passed away quicker than anyone expected and i could not see her because she had a temperature and the hospice were worried it was covid. 

     

    My mum was only 65 and I feel she was taken too soon. I understand the pain you must be feeling. My mum and I were close and now she is gone, I feel the most unimaginable heartache that physically hurts. There are times I have felt like what is the point of life. I dont like to talk too much about missing her to others as I feel it makes them uncomfortable or they might think i should have learnt to deal with it by now. I too cry to myself or even talk to myself. 

    The counsellor you had sounded awful and i would recommend that you get another one through the hospice or macmillan. I spoke to a counsellor from my hospice and that was helpful. I found what helps is talking to others who have lost parents to cancer and how they have coped.

     

    You have a right to feel sad; you have a right to feel angry and you have every right to feel at a complete loss. However, please praise yourself for getting through each day as it is the hardest thing to do after losing a loved one. Compare yourself to how you felt the day your mum passed. Is it worse? Are the emotions as raw? I know that i still feel immense pain but not the same.heart wrenching agony on the day my mum died. I couldn't physically move that day, i didnt eat and didnt sleep for 48 hours. Now i can move, I can stomach some small meals and sleep (though it is hardly sound). I can only assume this means that as humans we are built to deal with bereavement, it just takes a lot of time. 

     

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