May 19th 2019 I lost mum. Short battle, caught late. She had spent the last 10 years of her life in pain and looking after other people. She was there when dad died in 2015, he had spent 10 years with Alzheimers, she was there when I became disabled, she helped when my wife abandoned me. She worked so hard looking after her elderly parents. The stress on her was enormous. She had a brother and a sister who never helped. I begged and begged them to give her a hand. I pleaded with them, I had already lost one parent, and mum was being driven to an early grave. She never slept, smoked like a chimney, ate badly. Then one day she got given a blood test. They called her in. It was terminal. It wasn't enough time. We got the better part of 5 months before she went. I held her hand as she passed away. And that was it. I was alone. Noone truly understands the difference between being alone and lonely. I have no brothers or sisters, no children. I have no immediate family. I'm it. The family photos of holidays, I have no memory of. Questions about my childhood, noone will ever answer. I have no safe space where I will be safe. I know it's pathetic. I'm nearly 40 for gods sake. But I am really really struggling. And I can't cope. I can'tbbring myself to visit their graves. I can't bring myself to visit my grandmother. I have depression. Had it for a long time. My partner tries to help but she doesn't understand. She has a big family. She tries but it's very very likely she will never feel alone. I'm glad about that. Noone should have to feel like this.

I can't cope. I'm broken. Nothing seems to help. People are getting sick of seeing me cry, so I hide myself away.

I do feel suicidal. I wish I had the guts to do it. But I don't. I've just stopped caring. I'm angry and I argue with my partner all the time. I know I'm pushing her away but I can't stop it. She will leave no doubt. I try to look to the future but all I can see is mum lying there. She was delirious and shouting and writhing about. She had an infection. Hours later she was dead. The day before we were laughing and having a good time. The next day it was over. 

I don't know what to do. I tried ringing the local cruse, left messages. I hired my own counsellor, spent what little savings I had. 8 or so sessions and he said my mum and dad were bad parents. I stopped going. They weren't. 

I don't know what to do or where to turn. What's the point? I want to run away. Disappear. Become someone else entirely. But I'm stuck. Bed ridden. Poorly, broke. Surviving on the meagre benefits I can get.

I want to be with them again.