Hi

sorry to hear about the passing of your father.

id ring the funeral director with any questions you have as he/she will give you the information you need and advice you on if it's best to visit your dad or not.

The way my grandad died was awful and that image and thought tormented me so I went to visit him in the chapel of rest and it helped so much, he looked so at peace and better than he had been when he was ill, it eased my mind knowing he was comfortable (if that makes sense) 

also the funeral director took my grandfathers fingerprints which was nice as we got jewellery made with his fingerprint on, which is a nice keep sake.

take care and it's your choice at the end of the day xx

Hi when dad died i was away sufferd a lot for that but there was nothing i could do we cant be with them 24 7 your poor mum must be suffering .i went to see dad at the funeral home i said i would never do that again it wasnt dad laying there just a shell yet otheres have done that and found it a comfort so realy its a difficult decision yes they do make them look as normal as possible maybe if theres t number of you it may buffer it but he will certainly look better than when he passed when my partner died i sat with her and chatted like you but i couldnt face going to see her at home plus she had donated her body for others to survive with . If you feel an urge to go do go .paul

Hello,

I would try and go to the chapel of rest if you can. And as Panda has also said contact the funeral directors, they are usually very accommodating. In my experience although it might be upsetting I have not regretted not going. 

Good luck with whatever decision you take, I understand these are very upsetting times.

Chris

Hello there 

If I may join in xx 

I chose not to go to the Chapel of Rest and I regret it. Everyone in my family went...I thought it would freak me out too much and so didn't go. 
 

Shortly after the funeral, I regretted it because like you...I wanted to see one more time but let my anxiety get the better of me. 
 

well. It's done now...I've just got to live with it and do but I really wished I had have gone. 
 

I think you should go xx and as the other poster has commented - phone ahead with questions...that's a great idea XX 

Hi try not to worry about if you didnt think you could cope then you would have regretted going some are ok with it myself ive gone through all sorts in my life but i wish i hadnt gone i would have rather remember dad alive so dont you worry dont regret anything we do that to often the othere lady has an urge to go its her desision the energy that was our loved ones the life force if you like has moved on to better things  .paul Paul 

Hi so sorry for your loss. I truly believe our loved ones choose to leave us when the time is right.  If it was me personally I would try and remember your dad leaving the house for a routine appointment...it will be this memory that will eventually overtake the hospital one.  I try and think of it as we are just shells once we go and have merely gone to a different room for a while. 

Sending you my love

Hayley 

I visited my mum. I found I could only glimpse at her face as I quickly realised that it wasn't my mum but just her body which was very clearly dead. Sorry to be blunt. So I stoop at the top of the coffin with my hands on her very cold head. Whispered my goodbye and kissed her.  It was a traumatic image. But I'll never regret giving her one last kiss.  

Hi all, just an update!

We went ahead with it and had the chapel of rest visit today, and honestly, I'm so glad we did.

He was dressed in his own clothes and clean shaven, looking as smart as he always had. Yes, he looked dead, but he didn't look ill, as he had when he was wearing pyjamas and lying in a hospital bed. His features had been set so he looked a lot more peaceful, if a little sunken due to the obvious process of death. The funeral directors hadn't used makeup (which we were fine with) but his jaundice had lessened quite a lot (no idea how that works!), so even his complexion looked a bit better.

We didn't spend long with him, only about 10 minutes, but that was all we needed. Even though he was very clearly two weeks dead, he looked a lot more like our dad than that exhausted, ill guy we saw in hospital. We left a card and a whole stack of photos in his coffin, and they'll be cremated with him tomorrow and become part of the ashes, which I think is lovely.

I had one or two moments of getting the 'creeps' (blame my overactive imagination and hatred of horror movies, haha), and cringed a bit when my hand accidentally brushed his very cold chest at one point, but ultimately I wasn't freaked out - and I'm really quite a squeamish person!

Overall, it was nowhere near as traumatic as it was when we saw him just after his death. It was on our own terms. In a weird way, I feel like it's made me stronger as well, and lessened my fear of the dead a bit. I didn't feel the need to touch him or hug him, as I had in the hospital - it was more like seeing an image of my dad than the real thing and I knew for sure that he wasn't 'there' - but it definitely provided the closure I needed. I even found myself smiling and joking at one point, and popped my head back in the door to say 'bye' as we left the funeral home!

So yes, a positive outcome, would definitely recommend. I won't lie and say it wasn't upsetting (we all did our fair share of crying), but it certainly wasn't traumatic in the way things were on the day of his death, and it gave us exactly the closure we wanted. I don't think we would have chosen this option if we hadn't seen him after his death already, but as we already had, I feel like it definitely made things easier.

Thank you all so much for your advice. Our mum finally came out of hospital this afternoon too, which was a nice positive addition to the day, and hopefully we can all begin to heal together now.

Another thing to add, which I've realised during this whole process, is this:

I'm prone to uncertainty and second-guessing myself. I often wonder whether I really want to do something when I get an idea. But the weeks following my dad's death have been one time when I've just gone ahead and done EVERYTHING - paying the extra for the slightly more luxurious funeral package, rushing to print that extra photo, adding several PS's to his card, making sure I found his watch for him to wear, emailing the funeral director to make sure they tucked his shirt in, and ultimately, going to visit him this afternoon. So far, I haven't regretted any of it, but even if I HAD, I think it would be preferable to regret something I had done than something I hadn't done.

So yes, if anyone reading this post in the future finds themselves in a similar situation to me: do the thing, if you think you want to, and don't second guess your gut instinct. It's definitely better in this situation to regret something you chose to do than something you chose not to do. I'm not going to look back and think "man, I wish I'd done this or that", and I'm so grateful.