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Denial or have I already grieved?

Uoluol44
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My beloved Dad passed away a week ago today. He was diagnosed a year ago with oesophageal cancer & then just before Christmas diagnosed with secondary liver cancer. He was admitted to hospital, spent Christmas & New Years there but came home for the last week of his life. 
It near broke me to see him so weak, incapable, unable to speak, sit up or even drink at the end. 
My Dad was so incredibly active & fit his whole life & seeing him like that was utterly devastating. 
I adore my dad (i can’t use past tense yet) but I haven’t cried or got emotional hardly at all.
I know about the 5 stages of grief & that people grieve in different ways. But... I wonder if I started grieving before he died. Is this even possible?
People keep assuming I’m an emotional wreck, they’re thinking of me at this difficult time, they can’t imagine what I’m going through, what pain I must be in...
All well intentioned of course & I dutifully make the right response back.  
But I am functioning, going to work, making funeral arrangements, eating ok, sleeping ok, looking after my mum.
I can’t stress enough how much I love my Dad so it’s not that I don’t care. But it’s like my brain is blocking what I should be feeling & that worries me. 

I suppose my question is this: how long were you in the ‘denial’ stage for? 
I’d be genuinely interested to know. 
Thanks 

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    Hi forget the five stages of greif we all greive diffrently the writer of that later admitted she only ment it roughly and not for anyone to follow it. Its so early for you just go with how you feel . I lost my partner 18 months ago and i think ive been through every emotion there is jumping back and forth . Just except how you feel as the norm .dont try and avoid it though it just comes back it does get easier thoe as time goes bye so dont worry its not like the media portrays it .ime sorry you lost your poor dad if your mums mtill with you she will need you now it might help supporting her because her grief will be far worse than yours or lets lay diffrent one day at a time its iot denial you will be numb i think thats the one thing most feel first .p

  • Offline

    Hi,

    So sorry to read about your Dad.

    Anticipatory grief is very real and affects so many of us in different ways. When my Mum died of cancer several years ago after many years of fighting cancer I felt very much as you do now. Most of my family were just relieved that her pain and suffering was finally over. Unless someone has experienced this they don't have a clue.

    I don't think that death is talked about enough in our society, which means that so many people's expectations are set by Hollywood and BBC dramas. 

    You may find that after all the activity around the funeral has gone away your mind will start to allow you to start feeling more emotional about it. Then again you may not, as we all grieve in our own unique way and there's no right or wrong way to react.

    As Paulus has said, the Kubler-Ross model was only ever meant to describe at a high level the stages most people go through. She said at the time that these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by everyone. 

     

    Best wishes

    Dave

     

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Thanks for your replies Paulus and Davek x 

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