Hi everyone. 

I came on this forum a lot last year and through 2018 when my Mum was living with stage 4 small cell lung cancer which metatisized to her brain. 

I return today as this evening will be one year I'vebeen without my best friend and confidant (tomorrow according to final time of death but this evening as I was with her after midnight when she took her last breath).

I cant get my head around that it's been a year. Feels like yesterday but a lot has happened; I arranged her funeral on my own, sold her house on my own, all of the horrible paperwork. The positives are that I've managed to buy my first ever home which she always wanted for me, I've ran half a marathon and a race for life in her memory to raise over 1000 for CRUK, I've carried on living somehow. I think about her every day and have good days and bad. But today, right now, I feel heavy. My heart aches. I want to sleep, cry, scream.

I'm struggling.

I said I'd do counselling but I keep putting it off. I've shelved my grief because if I sit with it it's too painful and raw again. I recall those final few days so vividly. She passed peacefully but the whole experience replays in my head and wakes me up at night. I miss her. I want to call her. Hug her. She was everything.

I'm trying to find meaning. Purpose. I have a loving husband and we have just decided to take on a puppy as I need to nurture. To love. To have purpose.

I could write for days. I dont look for pity. Just a listening ear. You dont even need to say anything. 

But to everyone who has lost their mum, whatever anniversary you're at...1st 10th or 30th, we will remember them and live for them and for us. Xxxx