Hi Tillyj,

Firstly I am so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand the way you are feeling. I also lost my Mum in June. I'm sat on the train going back home after spending Christmas with my family and have just been thinking how the magic has gone. Over six months have passed and there are so many things I want to tell her and speak to her about. Life was just so much better with her around. She always knew what to do and say and she was my best friend. We muddled through Christmas and I didn't feel as bad as I thought when they day came. It's more day to day life, it just feels so pointless sometimes. How was your time over the holidays? I can imagine the kids keep you going a bit but hope you've had some time to grieve for yourself.

When I compare the rawness I felt when we first lost her, I do think that has subsided but the pain is still there, it's just less prominent. I hope we are still in the early stages of our grief and we will learn to be happy again. I had my Mum for 31 years so it would be impossible to learn to live without her in six months. I have been trying to practice lots of self care, take long baths, light candles, go for walks, try a new class etc. These activies bring joy and can help the pain sometimes. What do you do when you're having a particularly bad day? It's good days and bad days for me and sometimes exactly like you I just want to scream. It feels like things have moved on but I'll never move on in my mind.

I'm sorry I don't have any better advice on how to bring the spark back to life. I think we just have to work that bit harder at it without our Mums. 
 

Katie

xxxx

Oh wow, thank you so much for that honest and kind response. I’m so sorry for your loss, we sound in very familiar places. I do have good and bad days, and like you I trundled through the festive period, and some of it was lovely. I just don’t enjoy anything the same as I used to, life in general is a lot harder and colder without her. 

I will try your advice about self care, it makes sense when you put it like that... I have so desperately been trying not to drown in it all and make everything ok for my children I lost focus on small steps of kindness for myself. It might just be that we have to consciously try to enjoy small things for now, before we can think of long term anything. 

I think that’s what I meant by pretending maybe I need to actually just take a few baby steps, a long bubble bath with candles sounds lovely. When mum was ill, if I started to spiral into worry my husband would say one day at a time, and we started a thing where he would say just today, or I would say it to myself... just today... I had forgot until you said small acts of self kindness, if you make the goal posts smaller then it’s not so daunting.

i hope you have a healthy new year and you find some peace xxx

Hi Tillyj,

I agree some of the festive period was lovely. There was still a lot of joy in the day itself but it's just not the same. She went above and beyond and loved Christmas and is such a miss to our family. I think they'll get easier, it's just the old cliche of time. 
 

I can imagine it is difficult with the little ones, as you probably feel you have to put on a brave face. Your husband sounds lovely so its good you have that good energy around you. It's totally okay to feel you have a great life but also feel awful because of grief. I read somewhere that the symptoms of grief are very similar to depression in lots of ways, and it makes total sense. 

I know exactly what you mean about pretending, even going to work I feel as though I'm acting like I used to but in reality I'm not the same person as I was. I think its something that you only understand if you've experienced loss like this.

Enjoy your bath with candles :)
 

Katie

xxx
 

Thanks Katie, you sound like a lovely person. I’m sure your mum will be proud of you giving comfort to a stranger even through your own similar grief. Thank you xxx

I lost my Mum 29th December 6 years ago and still miss her.  What I did was to find a lovely photo of her smiling and happy, I put it where I could see it every day and talk to her.  Her eyes still listened and her smile made me happy, so you will find some relief as time goes by but it's still raw. She was your Mum after all.  Xx

Thank you for your kind response, that is a lovely, positive thing to do, I will try to think that way about my mums photos xxx and I am sorry for your loss xxx

I hope things get better for you as time goes by, time is a great healer. Xx

Firstly I'm sorry to hear your are struggling and for your loss. 

I also lost my Mum in June. How you describe your feelings, I can 100% relate to. I think we all have this image in our heads of how we think we should cope afterwards. However grief will take it's own course and break even the strongest of us. I went from coping so well after our Mums death thinking in some way I was winning with life after keeping myself so busy, so that grief had not got to me... Then boom, it hit me. I did not cope at all. Last few months have been extremely hard. I find the best thing to do is take it a day at a time. A bad day isn't a bad week. Try not been to hard on yourself because it isn't an easy thing to accept! I understand how having your husband and your kids keep you going, as mine do with me also. Although there are days I feel very isolated, I struggle to leave my house some days. I have a few friends but none of them really close. My Mum was my go to person for chats, a cuppa so now I feel I don't really have anyone. Which is hard to get use to, it can make you feel so lonely. I do think this is part of grief in some ways. It makes you see things in a negative way! I hope for you time you can see that life can be good again and feel happiness. I think it will come, or I'm hoping so because this surely can't be the way forward how we feel. Many people tell me it gets easier and I keep the faith that it will one day. 

Hi Tillyj 

I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to everything you say about your life without your mum. I too lost my mum, my best friend, my world last June and honestly my life will never be the same, nor do I want it to be. I put on my mask most days and pretend I'm ok, I can go on for a week or so like that but all the time inside I'm broken, screaming that I hate everything. I do go places, do things with my children but I don't get anything from these things I do anymore, it all seems pointless without being able to share it with my mum. I've even stopped taking photos as I just don't see the point as she's not here to share them with. I feel nothing either way for anything I do. 

Then eventually I crumble, curl into a ball and cry. 

I know my mum wouldn't be happy seeing me be like this but it's not as though I can stop it and change how I feel.