Hi there ... 

I was like you after loosing mum .. begging her to let me know she's o.k .. thinking she'd even move an object .. turn t.v on ... anything .. 

But the only time I started getting little things, was when I stopped looking .. stopped asking .. later I think then she knew I was ready ... the first was my little son and his mate were playing by my front door ..with his 3 little friends .. they heard a noise a loud noise ... as they went to look where they had heard it, there was nothing .. no one ... then a crash as my bathroom window fell out and smashed to pieces where they were sitting playing .. 

She adored my kids ... we can always put logic to it ... but l believe she was looking over him ..and got them all away ... it's been 30 years now and there's too many things to mention .. but she seems to know just when to pop back .. without me looking ... so I'd say just know she's around for now .. and one day when you least expect it ... one will come ...  Chrissie xx

Reading your post hit a chord in me. I lost my mum 2013 ( a week before Christmas) 

the flashbacks would come and go, looking at my mum in her hospital bed In utter disbelief that I was loosing her, like an outer body experience.....then seeing her after she had died ( thank goodness she looked beautiful and peaceful) 

These images still come and go but what I really wanted to say was that we had "a thing" that she would sent me the scent of the perfume opium ( our favourite) when she passed......well, you guessed it! She passed at 4am, at around 6pm ( the same day) out of nowhere I had the overwhelming aroma of opium! It was unmistakable.....as far as I'm concerned she had fulfilled our "thing" 

Chris's is right, try to relax and stop trying so hard to make contact.....there will be a sign when you least expect it, just have faith......

xx

Hi, so nice to hear I'm not the only one waiting for a sign!

If the lights flicker or a song comes on the radio mum liked I would think it's her or I'm just hoping it is.

She died on 12 September this year, non Hodgkin's lymphoma.

18months she battled and in the end it was blocking her bowel so she had Intensive chemo but had a stroke and lasted about 2 weeks in palliative care.

It's just been a nightmare and I just want her back.

Talking and having a gossip like we used to.

When I close my eyes I can only see her in the hospital bed, I can't remember what she was like before. I think this is because it was a quick decline in health.

It doesn't get better I just get better at dealing with her gone.

I've had panic attacks which Ive never had before, can't sleep and just want to be on my own.

Hi there ...

Oh bless ya ... so so many get those last week's/ days and hours stuck in their head ... and can't move on ..

Well you know cancer wants you to forget those good memories .. it wants to keep the painfull  ones there to tormenting, then it can claim more victims ... 

Well hunny ... your mum was and would want you to remember her befor cancer touched her.... she was the mum that pushed you into the world .. taught you to walk ... probly cryed on your first day at school .. then watched you grow from a girl into a woman ... and the friend she became ...

If you think of the funniest memory of her you can think of .. and when those crule thoughts come into your head ... close your eyes and relive it slowly,  remember every word .. her smile and how it made you feel .. do this over and over till it pushes cancer thoughts away ... she was that mum .. cancer was a tiny , though crule part ... 

I know now as a mum and nanny with cancer, that's how I'd want my family to remember me .. the me before cancer ... and you know the last thing I'll do when I go .. is stick two fingers up to cancer...  I will not let it make another victim of any of my family ... so you can do this too .. it will take a bit of practice..  but the more you do it .. the further you push cancer away ... it's hurt you enough all ready ... 

Sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

Chrissie

This has helped lighten how I'm feeling.

I know my mum wouldn't want us to be sad and would want us to think of the good times. I will try my hardest to do this when I see her face.

She fell ill a day before her results day! A few days before then we went on our weekly day out together. This time to the beach and we sat in the sunshine on top of the cliffs talking. I felt really uneasy then she asked me if I thought she would be ok!

I said yes of course and I truly thought she would but she wasn't. I think she could feel herself getting worse and was either too scared  to tell us or was ignoring it.

This was the end of July, the last proper time we spent talking like we used to. 3 days later she was poorly and the hospital wanted to check her before the results.

From then she was getting worse and I could barely hug her as she was in pain. Couldn't just talk to Justher on my own. wish I had more time to tell her how amazing she was and that she was such a wonderful mum and Nanny.

I'm sorry that you have cancer and I hope you can get over this. It's horrible and breaks families apart.

I'm angry with it, it ruins lives and breaks hearts.

I hope you can stick 2  fingers up to it and you and your family have many many years together. Making memories and just being happy.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I wish you all the best xxxx