Just looking for some insights and advice from the forum as I'm struggling to come to terms with my mums passing.
she was diagnosed with throat cancer in July 2019. It was a very early detection and the biopsies came back negative so the primary cancer site was very localised and had only been detected in one node.
she was put on 6 weeks of chemo with daily radiotherapy for 6 weeks. On her second week, my mum developed a blood clot in her right leg caused by chemotherapy. As a result chemo was stopped and my mum was put on injectible blood thinners.
During this time I came to stay with my mum to ensure that she would be ok as she doesn't have a large circle of friends or family. I watched her suffer with this blood clot, she was in regular pain, particularly at night time. During the 6 weeks I was with her, I saw that she wasn't eating and she was becoming ever more frail. In the week prior to my return to London, my mum complained that she wasn't feeling well, so went to A&E. After investigations, it was found that she was low in potassium but no other concerns. My sister and I relayed how worried we were in how much weight she had lost and said that mum would require a feeding tube. They discharged her with the advice that the ENT team would arrange an urgent follow up.
10 days later, after having tried to call my mum throughout the day before, my sister went to her house and found her delirious, hypothermic and the house reeking of urine. She called and ambulance and I urgently made travel plans back to Exeter from London. She was in the Acute Medical Unit for 2 days. Whilst they had identified sepsis they had not accounted for the blood clot becoming septic. After scanning the leg, the consultant told both me and my sister that my mum was dying. He said the she was too frail to operate on to amputate her leg.
Elder family members came the next day and after pressing for her to have the operation, the anaesthetist laid out my mums prospects of recovery. He advised that even if she were to survive the operation, that there was a 98% chance that she would die from complications within 6 months. He painted a bleak picture and also advised that my mum was in 10/10 pain and we didn't want her to suffer.
my sister and I opted for palliative care. The family were very angry with our decision saying that 2% chance was enough to push for the operation. In the end, the doctors made a medical decision not to operate as they couldn't see her surviving and that this would only prolong her suffering.
Given our mums physical state we didn't want to put her through an ambulance journey to a hospice so we decided for her to receive palliative care in the hospital. That night we left her knowing that she was not in any pain.
During the night, she was moved to a general ward. When my sister and I came in the morning, we were heartbroken to find our mum in a lot of pain, hanging off the bed in delirious anguish is how I could describe it. Even talking about this today brings me to tears. We were both upset and angry with the staff and so we immediately requested a move to the hospice.
When she arrived, the hospice staff were amazing, they took great care of her until she passed away. I was able to sleep next to her for her final two nights and I'm so grateful that I was allowed to be with my mum during her final few days.
To say that I'm traumatised would be an understatement. I feel guilty that I went back to London when I did. It's possible had I continued to stay with my mum, that I could have called an ambulance as soon as I had noticed a change in my mums health. It breaks my heart to think that she was alone in that house possibly very distressed with hallucinations and sepsis.
im upset that A&E hadn't taken my mums condition more seriously just 12 days prior to my sister finding her. I'm upset that the oncologist didn't do background checks on the types of chemotherapy that would lead to blood clots, particularly as my mum had a history of vascular disease. I'm upset that I wasn't able to have a final loving conversation with my mum as she was delirious. I'm upset at the way my family have responded. My family arranged they're own memorial dinner on behalf of my mum but excluded me and my sister from it because of our decision to opt for palliative care, my dad blocked me on Facebook because I told him that I was disappointed with the lack of support he had given me an my sister. I'm upset with the oncologist for not monitoring my mum's deterioration more closely. I'm upset with the hospital in general for not piecing together the fact that after the blood clots, that my mum wasn't even able to walk and therefore restricted in being able to attend appointments. I'm upset with the way that the ward had allowed my mum to fester in painful anguish in a bed of her own feaces and urine. I miss my mum so much and I wish she'd have had a better ending. No one talks about how brutal cancer treatment is. I kind of wish she hadn't opted for treatment. She essentially starved to death and got sepsis because her immune system was compromised. She shouldn't have died, she should have been cured. I'm bereft and devastated.
