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It just HIT me today and I collapsed- panic, terror, despair

bras1548
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HI everyone,

I wanted to start a new thread because I feel as if I've just entered a new phase. My father is now right on the precipice and will probably die in the night or next 48 hours (at best).

And today it HIT me. Big time. I walked by the bus stop at which he always used to stand. And it hit me that he will never stand there again. 

Then when I got home and saw my father lying in his hospital bed, completely out of it, in the very last hours of his life, it hit me even HARDER. I completely collapsed. My legs buckled. I fell onto a couch and started crying llike a 5 year old. Couldn't stop. Started screaming into a pillow; felt as if I would pass out with the emotional pain. My heart felt like it had imploded.

My mother was there and held me (a 35 year old man) as she did when I was 5 years old. I screamed and screamd and bawled my eyes out. My body was shaking and my breathing became very erratic. Felt like a panic attack.

Then I "settled" only for it to happen again an hour later. 

I am TERRIFIED. I feel so alone. I've always been a bit of a loner. My daddy (I now call him "daddy" again) was the ONLY person in the world I had a spiritual connection with me. He was my sunshine. My hope. Probably the only thing preventing me from being totally depressed with life (I was already very, very unhappy, if not depressed, before this happened).

I'm asking for some help - from anyone going through (or who has recently gone through) something like this. To make it clear, I love(d) my father (and it KILLS me to have to start using the past tense) more than everything else in the world COMBINED. He's not my soulmate. He's my soul.

How do I deal with the sheer terror and utter, crushing despair and horror of not having him? What do I do about these panic attacks/breakdowns, which are only going to get worse?

Best Wishes

Adam

  • Offline in reply to bras1548

    Theres nothing i can say othere than sorry adam just hold onto the fact it does get eisier not much of a consolation at this time one hour at a time eh paul

  • Offline in reply to London88

    Hi London,

    Thank you. That I can never see his smile, hear his laugh or cuddle him again kills my soul. The ONLY thing I want is to be with my daddy. And of course something that I can never have again. 

    Best Wishes

    Adam

  • Offline in reply to bras1548

    Adam, I've been thinking about you since you last posted, and wondering how you are doing.  If you ever check back here, please do let us know. I truly hope you are finding a way to get through the dark days, and to someday find joy again. 

    best

    Josephine 

  • Offline

    Adam,

    I feel your pain.  I lost my dad on new years eve just gone after a 4 weeks battle with lung cancer.  He was 60 years old. Theres nothing anyone can say that will make it better.  The only thing I gave to keep asking myself is would my dad want me upset, worrying, panicking. Not at all he would tell me to pick my self up and crack on. Its without doubt the worst thing I've ever had to go through. I wouldn't wish it on my own worst enemy. Talk to people. It's the one thing that's kept me going.  It doesnt matter who it is. Just talk.  And dont be ashamed of crying.   I've been to the doctors a few times and been given beta blockers for anxiety.  I had one panic attack where I was driving home and my whole body went tingly and I had to pull over. Got home vomited and 20 minutes later was fine again. DONT  bottle things up. I'm here if you want a chat pal. Keep your chin up.  Im the same as you. Hoping and praying things get easier but cant see any light at the end of the tunnel

  • Offline in reply to Jmurph29

    Thanks Josephine. I am now walking the earth without the love of my life. I cope by distracting myself - focusing on business ideas, books I'm reading, holidays I might go on. I cannot even look at a photo of my dad for more than a second without feeling myself implode.

    I would do anything to be with my dad again. Anything. I would have gone with him if I could. If I could hold him again I would never let go

  • Offline in reply to ChJKM

    Thanks ChJKM. So sorry to hear about your dad. I can hear a note of hope in your words. I hope that's what you're feeling today (and tomorrow and in the future).

    Totally understand the vomiting. I feel as if I would have a complete nervous breakdown if I allowed myself to look at a photo of my father for more than a second of contemplated what has happened. So I don't. I just act as if nothing has happened (as much as I can).

    No doubt this is what they mean by the "denial" stage of grief. I don't care. To "accept" that my father has gone right now would kill me (again).

     

     

     

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