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Dad about to die - how do I manage?

bras1548
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Hi there,

My dad is apparently going to die within a few days (maybe tonight) from cancer that spread massively to the brain. He's screaming out in pain and no amount of morphine appears to help. It's an appalling way to go. I had hoped he might pass away peacefully but instead my mother and I (I'm an only child) have to see and hear him wailing and wailing and wailing.

Mentally he's been largely gone (but not entirely) since April - when they found all the brain lesions. 

The most important thing for me to say is that he is the love of my life - my soulmate, my best friend, my mentor, my sunshine, my world. At times he has been my life. I'm aware you could say I've invested too much in one person - put all my eggs in one basket, as it were, but I can't change that right now.

So I thought I'd post this in the hope that other people who have experienced or are experiencing something similar (i.e. losing the love of their lives in such a way) might have something to say. How do I manage this?

By the time anybody replies he could of course have gone. I've been by his side all day, and will continue to be later today. I have to say that at times like this I rather hate life. I don't think anybody should have to experience this pain (and I'm aware that many others do).

Best Wishes

Adam

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    Hi Adam,

    I feel for you big time as I was in the EXACT same situation 2weeks 5 days ago with my mum(my hero & my life). I rememer the day well mum was screaming out in pain,the pallitive nurse was there pumping her with morphine but nothing was working. Her organs were packing in and her breathing  was horrific , she was 66 yrs old but looked 100 yrs old, her eyes were in the back of her head. Oh  I remember like it was yesterday the worst pain and heartache I have ever felt! Eventually they put her on the syring driver and her pain eased and she became more settled........and 40 minutes later she opened her eyes wide they were like glass, looking around for me( I was layed behind her kissing her head) and as soon as she saw I was there took her last breath and passed :cry::cry::cry::cry:.

    Bless you Adam I really hope they have got your Dads pain under control. Its HORENDOUS and it is not getting easier I am afraid to say. The only thing that helps is being on this forum and reading others stories to realise that you are not on your own. I am myself an only child, my friends are trying their best but I really cant be bothered to reply as they just dont understand. I ADORED that woman,my bestie,my mentor, my hero and my world.

    Sending love and always here for you 

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    Hi adam wish i could say something to make you feel better only that there will be many thinking of you your not alone many are or have been through this keep posting on here just getting it off your chest helps we are listening .my best wishs to you and your family .paul

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    Hi Adam,

    I'm SO sorry to hear about your dad and his situation. My dad passed away in idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (I'm here to discuss with people that are in similar situation, unfortunately there are no forums for IPF...) just about a month ago and I'm currently struggeling emotionally, quite a lot. Mainly because I was in denial during his last weeks at hospital, and because I wanted to keep his mood up by not being too emotional at the end. So I ended up with many words that I never got to tell him. Because I thought it would make his suffering worse if I became emotional at the end, since he struggeled a lot with oxygen and his breathing. During his last day I counted 50 breaths per minute.. 

    I believe that the most important thing you can do is to be present and to let him know that you are with him. Small things, like using a towel to clean his forehead. Take care of him and make his struggle a bit easier, at the same time as you assure him that you wants his best and that you are not afraid of the situation. That is what I did and I know that it comforted my dad and kept him a bit calmer.

    But do not do the same mistake as I did by not telling him everything you want before it is too late, because it is currently eating me up inside. Let him know what you wrote here. That he is your soulmate.

    I prayed for the end of my dad's suffering, and I do the same for your's.

     

    Take care, 

    J

     

  • Offline in reply to Lisatodd

    Hi Lisa (?),

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. Amazing how similar these things are - the screaming out in pain (yes), the morphine pumping but not working (yes), organs packing in (yes). My dad is now on a morphine driver and has hours (maybe days at best) to live. It seems fairly clear that I've said my last words to him. In all likelihood he won't open his eyes again now.

    Yep - I described to friends (who don't understand) as a HORRIFIC. Like a scene from the Exorcist. Excruciating, appalling, and (like you) I feel a heartache so great that I just want to crawl into the bed with my father and go with him. I can't bear being separated from him. He's not my soulmate, actually. He's my soul.

    I totally get your last comment - my friends too have sent some messages but I've just got more and more annoyed with them because it seems they're totally incapable of putting themselves in my shoes or GETTING it. Even some who have lost parents don't get it. Clearly not everyone made one of their parents into the love of their loves. Says something about me, I guess, that my dad has been the love of my life. I suppose I should have found a partner (which I haven't been able to do) and started my own family. Instead I've spent my whole life pouring all my love into and receiving all my love from my father - he's been my universe.

    I don't to be in a world in which I've lost my world (my world being my father).

    How the hell does ANYBODY manage?

    Adam

  • Offline in reply to Paulus

    Hi Paul,

    Thank you for your message. Today I broke down in my parents' kitchen and in my own flat - started bawling my eyes out, screaming. Not sure I can manage this.

    Adam

  • Offline in reply to Marm

    Hi J,

    Thanks for your message. And for taking the time to share. Yep, plenty of things eating me up already. Sadly, he's so far out of it now that I can't communicate. People say that they can still hear you but I'm pretty certain he can't right now as he's on a morphine driver that's sending massive quantities of morphone and tranquiliser into him and he's been completely "out of it" for 24 hours. He will go at any point now.

    And, like you, I have huge regrets about things I did or didn't do. Like - why didn't I spend more time with him in his last weeks and months? Why didn't I communicate with him more (he wanted more communication from him but for some reason I couldn't always bring myself to do it). Why didn't I spend two hours with him that Friday, rather than the one I did spend, or 4 hours the week before instead of 2. Why didn't I go to more concerts with him (as he wanted)? 

    I'm sorry but I have to stop writing because as I wrote the above sentence my heart just broke again. The pain is beyond description. I actually don't want to wake up in a world without him. I'd rather go with him, be with him. The pain, the aches, the hearbreak, my SOUL being destroyed - it's too much to take

    Adam

  • Offline in reply to bras1548

    Hi Adam,

    I wish I could be there to hold your hand as you are going through it..... it was the WORST experience of my life and I am still haunted by the memories.

    I seem go through stages each hour of each day, sometimes numb and then next minute explode crying,screaming I want MY MUM!

    I have a lock of her hair and getting some ashes in to a knecklace and a tattoo saying " My Mum, My Love,My Friend, My Life". It is the only thing I can do to preoccupy myself and convince myself it might help. 

    As we speak Dad is on his way over with mums ashes :cry::cry::cry: as he cant face keeping them and mum had always said she would want to be with me. I am so scared of my reaction when I see the URN!!....is that all I have left of my loving mum?? You see I adored my mum but she also adored me, I was her only child and her everything.

    I know I cant cope with mums passing without help so I went to the doctor who as perscribed antidepressants and gief counselling. 

    Adam how are you coping? How is your mum ? Is Dad pain free now?

    Lisa

     

  • Offline in reply to Lisatodd

    Hi Lisa,

    Thank you so much for your message. He's on a morphine driver now and has not been able to eat or drink in over 2 days. It looked like he was going to go this morning and I held him, looked into his eyes, and thought he was just on his way. It's midday now and (as far as I know), he is still here. Though by the time I finish this message he could have gone. In all likelihood (according to nurses) he has maybe 24-48 hours at most.

    In a perverse way I am "glad" to hear that I am not the only to experience the fears and emotions you describe. Of course I am DEEPLY sorry, though, that you should ever feel what you are feeling. It's not right. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away your pain straight away. For what it's worth,To pick up some of the parallels:

    1) Breaking down and screaming/bursting into uncontrollable crying - yep, been doing that periodically. Yesterday I was in my parents' house looking through the window where I used to walk with my dad (a few weeks ago when he could just about walk). It hit me that I will never do that again. OVERWHELMING AND SUDDEN PAIN then took my breath away. I fell to my knees and thought my heart would burst.

    2) Numb? - I'm not sure if it's similar to your feeling but occasionally it's as if I don't believe what's happening. As if it doesn't feel real - I think this may be my brain's way of "protecting" me from the pain of losing the love of my life. Of course it doesn't work for long because then reality hits again and the overwhelming pain knocks me out.

    3) Fear - I'm TERRIFIED. Terrified of waking up in a world without my world (my "world" = my father). He's been more important to me than everything else in the world combined. I've contacted my GP to ask for anti-anxiety drugs or something because if I experience that overwhelming and sudden pain that I described above when he's still "here" (in whatever sense he is), then I know it's going to be a million times worse when I realise he's completely gone.

    I hate to be "depressing" and wish I could end this message with some of the positive things we/people say when sometihng like this happens, but I told one of my best friends yesterday that I HATE life right now. I don't see its overall value. I feel that the BAD far outweighs the good - in the sense that I have never experienced any "good" in my life that's been as intense as this bad. 

    My mum? She's devastated too. She's second only to me in terms of how much love she has for my father. And actually her suffering is different from mine but in some ways will be just as intense - waking up in bed and not being able to share a banana with my father any more, or kiss each other good morning. Honestly, how can God/the universe/life give us this? What have human beings done to deserve this suffering?

    "Suffering makes you stronger," they say. Doesn't fly with me.

    Is there light at the end of this? I can't see it now. But I know that my father would have encouraged me to believe. 

     

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    Hi Adam 

    No words of wisdom but your description reminds me of me and my daddy. Sending solidarity x

  • Offline in reply to Kajena

    Thank you Kajena (?). I hope you are finding / found a way to deal with the situation with you and your daddy. Despite being 35 years old, I have recently been calling him "daddy" again too. I feel as if I have regressed to the state of a 5 year old

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