I don't know where to turn as he expects me to support him every day. I go to his home and work and he does nothing at all except lie on the sofa and occasionally watch tv. He asks me to cut his nails, shave him etc. He says he is incapable of doing anything. 

Hi there ...

Oh my, yes I can empathise with your dad .. it must be heartbraking for him ... but that is not an excuse to use you to be at his beck and call ..  I'm sorry but if he doesn't answer the phone ... don't go round and he'll soon answer the phone .. he sounds like a naughty child having a tantrum ... 

You are being amazing .. do a little housework, occasionally and help him sometimes .. otherwise he will run you ragged ... he looks like he's pulling your strings and your dancing to his tune ... trust me, it's nice to have you help, but if you don't stand firm, he'll never learn to walk on his own, occaisionaly...

A bit of tough love is needed .. not being there at his beck and call, doesn't mean you don't care .. I can see just how much you care .. l bet your mum's up there wagging her finger at him, telling him to help his self as well ...  sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

I'm with Chris's on this one, Dad needs to be handled a little more firmly.  Was he like this before Mum died?  Get him some ready meals to heat himself and if he won't answer the phone that's his  choice, the more you run after him the more he'll be expecting it.  Now grief can be horrible so he may have gone into a deep depression so hell need professional help, take him to the GP and explain how he is, say he's living alone can he have some outside help, so basically be strong with him but get the professionals involved.  Good luck, Carol 

Thank you for the support. I am actually trying very hard to stay away from dad today having left his food , that I cooked, and medication on the kitchen table earlier. He has not answered my calls again but picked up the phone when my sister called from abroad. Apparently he phoned for an ambulance and they came, examined him and told him he was fine. (This is the second time he has wasted the time of emergency services! I had to call last time as he insisted and said he couldn't phone himself). He had seen two doctors with me and had been diagnosed anti depressants which I had to beg him to take. He has had blood tests and urine tests - he is well physically.

I feel he is craving attention and is so engrossed in his pain that he does not care about others. I also feel l must not run to him as much because it is upsetting me so much. I cannot stop crying after I have left him. So the advice you gave is probably right. Tough love is really needed as I feel our relationship is becoming more and more toxic. 

Hi sorry about your mum may i ask how old your dad is did they have the old fashiond marriage where your mum did all the cooking etc . You may have to be cruel to be kind slowly let go let him cook if you do it all he will let i lost my partner 1.5 years ago and its agony but in my case i managed but as time goes on he will be ok just let go gradualy maybe arrange some counciling when you lose a partner its like a big full stop comes in front of your life and you feel totaly lost anything out of the ordinary becomes bling panick but as you start doing the odd thing it slowly gets eisier .paul

Hi Paul,

Thank you got your support and advice. Yes ... mum did everything and I agree he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.

Dont worry he will eventualy a call on a morning and last thing at night will realy help thats when it gets to you most and do you good to you have to look after your health now

Very true. I realise I am falling apart due to my dad's behaviour and not to the death of my lovely mum. I know she is no longer suffering and was ready to go because she told me. It is ironic that the parent who is causing me the most pain is the one who is still here. I am becoming depressed and even thought of ending it all because of his continuous demands and needs. I must look after myself for the sake of my own children. Mum would not have wanted me to be so broken. 

Yes your going to tell your dad how you feel its not fair on you or your family maybe book an appointment with go they can help and some counciling give you a chance to get things off your chest as your under to much strain and  may start resenting your poor dad at a time you should be supporting onanother but it seems to happen a lot so you look after yourself first eh