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My mum my Angel I miss her so much

Shania11
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Any advice is greatly appreciated these last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind for me.  Exactly 3 weeks ago today my mum was diagnosed with an inoperable tongue tumour which had spread to her lymph nodes and all symptoms had been masked by a Muscle weakness disease she had lived with for 15+ years.  Even with this devastating news mum remained positive and agreed a 2 week course of radiotheraphy, mums one wish was to not hear an estimate of how long she had as it wouldn't allow her to remain positive, myself and my dad supported this wish.  She had a feeding peg fitted to her stomach a week after diagnosis due to being unable to swallow and severe weight loss and 6 days later she started her 10 radiotheraphy sessions.  Mum only completed 4 sessions before the side effects caused a lot of swelling to her jaw and mouth area leaving her with no swallowing mechanism at all. 

This weekend just gone was just awful sitting with mum feeling like she was continuously choking due to excessive saliva and unable to swallow and having to use a portable suction machine to help make her more comfortable.  Due to the quickness of everything mums palliative care plan had not yet been set up so myself and dad nursed her alone at home with no other support. 

Yesterday morning the palliative team were due to see mum to set up this plan 6 hours before this we were calling a Doctor to look at mum as she begged us for something to help her exhaustion and he would not give her any medication to calm her or to help her rest as his words were she has full capacity and any drugs would make her choking feelings worse the palliative team will be here in the morning to sit with mum to make her care plan and we will go from there, mum was exhausted with no sleep for 3 days with the fear of choking to death and 10 minutes after this doctor left our home mum sadly passed away with myself and dad by her side.

I just feel like everything happened so quickly 20 days from diagnosis and I have so many unanswered questions and dont know who to turn to, to get the answers, I also have feelings of frustration/annoyance that the doctor was not prepared to give her no help at all and that my mum passed away through exhaustion and the struggle from choking and this is eating me up inside.

  I know grief takes you through so many different emotions but I just dont know how to cope with all of this the daytime is fine as myself and my dad are busy sorting things out it's the evenings that are really affecting me, does anyone have any advice to help with this.

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    Hi shania ime so sorry about your poor mum .you and dad must be in tatters .ive lost my mum and dad some years ago .but lost my partner to this rotton disease its its shock makes it so much worse to .but trust me dear this pain your going through does get less but you will not feel that at the moment it is worse at night when you are in bed  .if it gets to much you can ring the samartitans its a free number and 24/7 numbers on the web its a queu system so they may be a few mins answering when they answer just tell them you need a bit of support acasionaly you may get a person you cant relate to so say thanks ring off and ring back theye may offer you some information but there not bereivent councilers but a friendly voice can be a wonder if your down.if you have medical quearys  theres a phone helplines on the front write things down and give them a call of course no one can answer all the questions but like about dr refusing pain releife sometimes there are reasons they cant do .theres also the mcmillan helpline .cruze bereivement helpline and finaly bereivent counciling gps do it but the local hospice i found them the best and this may help your dad but you have to stick it out as it hurts talking about it .talking is like helping the grief pour out when your ready discuss how he feels about as he must be devistated i did all these things and ime as tough as they come .and keep coming on here we arnt doctors but many in here are going through or have been so we can support you some great advice your just to share. Best wishs paul

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    Hello Shania,

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Mum. It sounds like the last few weeks have been absolutely terrible. There really are no words to describe this horrible disease and what it does. It's completely ruthless. It's comforting to know you were by your Mums side. She knew you and your Dad were there with her.

    Everything you are feeling is completely normal although that doesn't make it any easier. All the emotions you have mentioned are so typical of grief. I lost my Mum coming up to 6 months ago to cancer and I couldn't believe I was watching her slip away in front of me, it was torture!

    My Mum was in hospital but we wanted to get her home and didn't have time as things progressed so quickly. I completely understand your frustration and know how fraught I felt on those days in the lead up to her death.

    I didn't believe anyone when they said it would get better, but it does very slightly. The shock subsides a little, just take every day as it comes. Talk to your Dad and let all the emotion out, it helps not to bottle everything up. I also find the evenings hard as you're sat and my mind wanders to her, there's never really a minute I don't think of her.

    I found getting back to work really helped my mind but its still such early days for you, take your time and do what is right for you. I'm sure thats what your lovely Mum would want. Go for walks and talk to her in your mind, and be kind to yourself.

    I'm so so sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this! This message board is wonderful and has helped me a lot. Talking helps. Here if you need to chat. Let us know how you and your Dad are getting on

    Katie

    xxxxx

     

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