I lost mum 11 weeks ago. Sorry for your loss. It's really hard isn't it?  I do know I'm getting fed up with being so sad. But I also don't want to be happy as it makes me feel guilty as if I'm forgetting her which of course I never could.  I want to move forward but I don't. If that makes sense. I'm still in shock and I still can't believe she has gone. 

Beach45 thats exctatly how I feel, my Mum has been gone 9 week this Friday and when I do put it out of my mind for 10mins or laugh with friends I feel so guilty, I know she would hate to see me like this as I am sure your Mum would with you but how do you move on or start to deal with things!! 

If anyone does have any answers it would be good to hear from you x

Hi tara,

My mum passed away very suddenly from a brain hemorrhage in June. She was in hospital when it happened for a routine op and still couldn't be saved.

My dad had a massive heart attack at home many years ago and I always blamed how long the ambulance took until the PM results informed us that he would have died instantly.

I have also learnt how low chances are of surviving a heart attack outside of a hospital. They are something like 10 percent only.

Dont get me wrong, I'm still bitter, angry, sad and a mixture of emotions but its unlikely your dad would have survived even if the ambulance was quicker.

Cheryl x

Hi dpops,

So sorry for your loss and my condolences to the other users too.

I lost my mam just over a year ago.  To be honest I'm still in extremely upset with grief but there are things I do to help myself. 

I walk on the beach most days,  I'm lucky to live by the sea but walking anywhere or any form of exercises helps with the release of endorphins as well as the satisfaction you get from exercising.  I pray and talk to my mam,  it really really helps me,  it's been the one thing that has saved me in moments of  darkness. Whether you're religious or not the peace you get from going into an empty church and just sitting with your thoughts and feelings is beautiful,  the same could be said of beach/ parks or anywhere in nature. I also make time to do things I love,  ie i reading art books and looking at beautiful art,  clothes etc.  Anything that nourishes the soul will heal it..I find grieving is extremely tiring,  do you? I make sure to rest as much as I can,  I sound like I'm 90, I'm  actually 46!! I also practise gratitude,  I read that this is healing and important, find 1 thing a day and feel grateful for it. Laugh,  watching 'friends' reruns has been my saving grace so many times! Drink water,  it helps with the tiredness and lethargy of constant sadness. Say no to things you don't want to do,  you need to be military about this and prioritise yourself right now,  I become very good at this as I was feeling so sad but yet agreeing to things that I didn't want to do which left me so drained and exhausted,  this is your time to be as selective as you need to be,  your energy is precious so conserve what little you have.  The people you love  will understand, the rest don't matter.. eat food nourishing food and plenty of fruit, also if you feel like that slice of cake, have it,  life is short as we now well know.. make time for yourself to do nothing, any opportunity you have to rest take it.  Spend time in nature,  art galleries or wherever you enjoy being.  Don't commit to too much,  it will drain you,  remember to say no! Reconnect with people who make you feel good.  I'm like you in that I don't really talk about my feelings,  even a year later I don't really like to talk to anyone about how I really feel as I will get really really upset. I cry when I want to which is really important..

All of the above is just a snapshot of what I have been doing.  It's not earth shattering but it helps me.  My grief only started about 2 months after mam went and to be honest it's sort of plateaued. I'm not much better but the above has stopped me getting worse.  Realise that there will be good and bad days and just go with it. 

Finally,  I keep talking to mam and I know she hears me and I know she listens and is holding my hand.  I've had so many signs since she went which is so consoling.

For me this is a temporary separation even though some days I really struggle but that's ok because it's just what we've all got to do for a while until these early years pass. 

I looked after mam along with my sister and dad and I think the 3 of us are still feeling the traumatic fall out of watching someone we adore slowly slip away, the worst part was that she didn't want to go and that devastates me and I think my grief is tied up with having to live life while she misses out on it. Sometimes I find it hard to hug my daughter as it should be mam having these special moments with her, she absolutely adored her..

I think I'm still physically, emotionally and mentally burnt out by everything,  i thought that after a year I'd be much better then i am but i think the first 8 months were spent half numb and half in disbelief. Every morning I still wake up and remember she's gone so I have to lose her all over again. 

That's just my experience,  I'm sure you're far stronger, I'm a very sentimental person and had an amazing relationship and continue to have that with her. 

Stay in touch

Much love 

Denise

Hi yes it goes round and round then you get could i have done more done this said that the one thing i suggest is counciling at the local hospice they deal with death every day so you can sak these questions to a human face.and get some answeres .the best way i can describe it is inagine your your a bottle full of grief and you pour it out ie talk theres allways a bit left in but wecope with that its the ones that dont then wonder why they are still suffering with loss and grief years later . Theres Tne main othere thing about counciling the world goes back to normal after a few months but you dont people change the subject or ignore it its not being cruel but if you havant been through it how on earth can you understand thats when counciling comes into its own because they are there for you it hurts talking about it at first but you have to toughen up or the grief lasts longer .people think if they let go of the pain they are letting go of there loved ones but they are not . The pain does dwindle but takes a long time and its lonely but coming on here chatting just makes it just a little less lonely keep coming and talking  .paul

Hi dpops,

I'm sorry for your loss. My mum died very suddenly 5 months ago this week and I'm not coping very well myself so am not going to be a great help.

However, I was reading Denise's reply to you and alot of it is what I have done.

I did so much walking in the early days. I didn't have the energy for the gym but I walked for hours. Now I have the energy back to run so I'm doing that more.

I also avoided alcohol in the first weeks and even now if I'm feeling very down, I still do. Its very easy for one glass of wine to turn into 3 or 4 and it makes we feel worse unless I am of a positive mindset.

I also an starting to feel grateful for what i still have and am trying to focus on this although it isn't always easy. The last 2 days I have barely stopped crying.

I'm sure other people will come along with their ideas and advice but it's so personal and also so dependant on how you are feeling on any given day.

Cheryl x

Hi denise,

You have  given some really good advice to dpops but have also expressed alot  of the feelings I have.

I have also fiend grief to be so tiring and feel 68 rather than the 48 that I am.

I also get very annoyed that mum has left my daughter and I. She is 12 and adored her nan. The two of them had such a unique bond and I get very bitter that they can no longer be together.

I'm nearly 5 months in but have no doubt that like you I will still be walinh each morning and facing the realisation that mum has gone every morning.

I'm do tired of being sad and feeling robbed but accept that I will be feeling like this for a long time to come.

Cheryl x

Hi ,

I'm afraid I have no advice at all !! But please know you aren't the only one who doesn't know how to cope . I lost my Mum 5 weeks ago , it took me 2 weeks to shed a tear .

I'm angry I'm guilty I'm confused and I am experiencing levels of tiredness I didn't know existed .

I am lucky to get 2 hours sleep a night and they are filled with nightmares.

I held her hand as she took her last breath and it goes over and over in my mind , did I say the right thing did I tell her I loved her did she know I was there .

I feel guilty that I'm pleased she passed , she was in so much pain and was fed up and exhausted but I hate that I even think it .

My grief changes daily but over the last 2 days it's been a real struggle which is how I found myself here . I have amazing support from my close family but we are all dealing with it in different ways and luckily I have an amazing husband who often knows what I'm feeling before I do .

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to deal with things .

I'm glad you have found writing is helping you so carry on and stay strong .

There are some lovely comments on here I hope some have helped everyone

Hello, it's hard losing your Mum and it does get easier as time passes, you still miss them but can cope better.  So here's a suggestion, I started a thread on this forum about my husband and his incurable lung cancer and many others have joined that thread over the past two and a half years, we all have become friends and communicate daily, weekly or whenever we feel down.  So start posting everyday under a title of your choice but letting others know what you are writing about, for example you could call it "Remembering lovely  Mums".  This will help you keep a diary and help others with their grief.  Good luck with your future.  Love Carol x