Cancer Research UK main site

Unable to move out and move on with life

FreddiBaggins
Offline

Hi guys,

Not sure where to post this but I need to get this off my chest.

I have had the worst year of my life and unfortunately my mother has just passed away from a long battle with cancer. Although we knew it was going to happen nothing will ever prepare you for when it happens. I am understandably grieving but I feel so angry. I still live at home ( I’m 26) Let me explain why. My mum has relied on me financially for years as she had quite a lot of debt and was only just adding to her debt and not paying anything off really except min payments. I suggested to my mum about moving out a few years ago as I was getting older and have had a good full time job for many years now. She always started to cry when I suggested this and I felt guilty , I understood that she would miss me but was it fair for her to make me feel guilty for wanting to move on with my life and was it fair that I was paying off her debt and because of this I couldn’t move out? The thought off moving out crossed my mind a lot and it wasn’t cause I didn’t get on with my family or anything I just needed to live my own life. My mum was then diagnosed with incurable cancer and off course I couldn’t move out when she needed me the most as she was sick and she also has two young children (twins aged 9) Gradually things got worse and her partner , myself and my older sister( who doesn’t live at home) all have been signed off work. Since my mums passing I have needed the time off work to grieve and to help look after the twins who are like my own children however I now need to go back to my work for my own sanity and to get my life back as I enjoy working. I am however too scared to mention this to my mums partner as he has been off work longer than me and he pays most of the bills. Is it wrong for me to feel scared to talk to someone about returning to work? I feel he will judge me and think I don’t want to help him or the twins which is not the case but my older sister can do as she wishes because she isn’t at home and I slightly resent her for this. Just because I live at home I have been burdened with this all and I have had to take on the role of mother to my little brother and sister which I never asked for but it’s naturally fallen on me since I’m still at home. Is it wrong for me to feel angry. I need to go back to work and I need to start living my life as it as been on hold for years now. I want to move in with my boyfriend who I have been with for 4 years and it’s time for me to move out and live my life and do what I want to do in life but I feel trapped and terrified to tell my mums partner and the twins this. What can I do ? Does anyone have any experience with anything like this at all? 

Ps I really hope I don’t come across as a horrible person for being angry and wanting to move out and move on as my mum was my best friend and I am utterly heartbroken that she is no longer here.

  • Offline

    Hello FreddiBaggins, 

     

    I just wanted to welcome you to our friendly community who I am sure will have some helpful tips and suggestions for you. Don't feel guilty about wanting to move out - it is perfectly normal for you to want to move on and live your own life with your boyfriend. It might be a difficult conversation to have with your mum's partner but perhaps you can manage to do so while reassuring him that you will remain in touch and still care deeply about the twins and will always be there for them. 

    I am so sorry for the loss of your mum it must be really hard for you and it sounds like you were really close to your mum. 

    I hope you manage to resolve this and that you manage to go back to work and build a new life with your boyfriend. 

    I will now let our members share their own insights with you on this! 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

     

  • Offline

    Hi FreddiBaggins

    I would like to add my condoleses on the death of your mother.

    .I'm going to reply as a mother myself with a son in his 20s who lives at home. I love my son to bits, thought I'd make that clear before I go on, however, I would feel a failure as a mother if I hadn't brought him up to become independant and that means standing on his own two feet. Like your own mum, when that time comes I too will undoubtedly cry but I'll get over it as will your late mum's partner and siblings.

    My son and I are close but spending so much time together is causing tension and if I had the money I would but him a house myself :D the last thing I want it to see us become co-dependant - that would be extremely unhealthy for both of us.

    The situation you find yourself currently in is, IMHO, not healthy. Your resentment of your pas relationship mum comes from a feeling of being trapped, I'm sure that feeling will subside once you spread your wings and move on with your own life and this will be replaced with fond memories of your mum.  However, you do have two siblings who need you and I thinnk for their sake you need to ensure that they feel you'll still be there for them. Whether this means you allowing them to stay occasionally with you and your boyfriend, taking them for days out etc they need to know you still care about them. Perhaps, once you leave your mum's partner will also go back to work and things at home will improve. 

    The co-dependancy within the family is stopping you all from moving on. Suggest you have a think about a plan that suits all and sit everyone down and tell them what your going to do.

    Best of luck.

  • Offline

    Hi i cant add much more to what magi said other than are your younger siblings from your mum and her partner if yes then there well being is his responsibility if not you would be best having a word with citizens advice if a couple are not married then then you are the one that has rights over belongings etc sorry to dump this on you its a real grey earea . But your just frustrated you cant move on its not up to you to look after him althoe hes lost the love of his life so he will think his lifes ended . Your responsibility is to your blood family .and if you keep doing things he'll let  sorry ime a bit of a wet blanket but magie has said everything i would say .time to spred your wings but do it gently over a short time .p

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.