On the 4th of April 2019 I lost my Dad to primary Kidney cancer and secondary cancer which was a tumour on his spine. My Dad was diagnosed the day before my 20 week scan with my first child. Dad had been off work for 6 weeks with terrible back pain, sometimes sleeping 1 hour in 24 hours. He went to the GP where he was told he had sciatica and to stop being inpatient it could take weeks for the sciatic to clear. My dad couldn't stand it any longer and saw a chiropractor. After 4 sessions he went private with the help of the chiropractor who referred him to a clinic in london. We headed to london and within 3 hours of the scan was told to get off thr train and head to hospital where nurses would be waiting for him. I headed home to pack a bag and returned with Family. I walked into A & E with my auntie to be met by my step mum... she told us of the diagnosis kidney and spine caner. My world fell apart at what should of been the most happiest time of my life. Dad fought so hard and was adamant he would push his first grandchild in their pram! 

Dad was offered treatment and the first shrunk the cancer by 15%, that news was better than any lottery win!! In August my dad was 60 and we held a party for him, the week before the surprise party he attended hospital to be told the cancer had spread. I was heart broken but carried on with the party with family and close friends he loved the surprise. I went to dads once a week and helped him while family had my daughter, we had a lovely summer togethermaking memories. On November 2nd 2018 Dad was unresponsive he went to hospital via ambulance he had sepis but as the true warrior he is he got through it. Then in Dec 2018 again unresponsive he was took in an ambulance to A & E with sepis and pneumonia. We was told worse case scenario they wouldn't resuscitate if they had to as he was so poorly. 24 hours was touch and go. I stayed by his bedside not knowing what was going to happen to my Dad. After 2 weeks in hospital he came home just in time for Christmas which was our last and my daughter's first with grandpa. I then cared for dad twice a week while family had my daughter and i slowly watched him die, i grieved for him even though he was still before my eyes. In February my gran (dads mum) was unwell after hospital stay for 2 weeks it was confirmed ovarian and lung cancer, my gran passed the day after my daughters 1st birthday. I then had to go to the hospital dad was in to break him the news. His face crumbled in front of me and my heart broke even more. I continued to visit dad every day, he was 1hour 30mins from home. I called my step mum on the Wednesday to see how he was as i was having a day with my daughter to be told he was unresponsive. I caught the train to the hospital straight away. I stayed with dad all night and the next day he had a syringe driver administered. By 6pm that night we was told he was showing all signs of end of life even though a hospital bed had been sent home!! I went to the hospital chapel and prayed that Dad would go quick no more suffering. I headed back to Dads bedside where i told him i loved him and was so proud but it was time to go (which haunts me now). then he did. 

I arranged his funeral as well as attending my grans. A fews weeks later i decided to go for counselling which really helped. I was very close to my dad he was an amazing father and such a character full of jokes and fun! 

I cant help feel i havent cried enough?

I feel lost and a sense of weight across my chest?

Will i ever feel like me again and be happy?

I cant seem to remember my dad the well man but the poorly dad?

I also see him in the chapel of rest so plain but not him when well? 

I also dont visit the grave often as i dont know what im visiting?

Xx