I've seen a lot of people come on here, completely distraught when they have first lost someone close. The anxiety and fear, wondering if the pain will ever end, wondering how can it ever end when the loved one can't ever come back.

I've also seen a few posts where people come on here after a period of time has passed since the loss to sort of explain what it feels like after months/years/days whatever.

I had anticipitory grief when my mum first went into ICU three weeks before passing. She'd had COPD and had been in and out of hospitals for a few years, and had just been diagnosed with lung cancer three months earlier. It was devastating seeing her hooked up to an oxygen machine, with a big mask on her face - so tight she couldn't really talk and be heard. My anxiety was so bad that first day when she was taken to ICU that my whole body was tingling and it felt like all my muscles had siezed up.

Those three weeks were probably the hardest, up until she passed. But in all honesty, even after she passed, the pain was unbearable. I have never sobbed with my entire body and voice. It was awful. And it was daily, for months.

Then there were all the "firsts" - my first birthday without her, first holiday, first Christmas, her birthday (would have been her 80th) mother's day, and finally her actual death anniversary (which was made worse as a close friend lost her dad the same week so I was actually at her dad's funeral on my mothers anniversary of passing).

Every single day, for about six months I'd have bursts where suddenly I'd just start crying - something would trigger me.

I'd say it was probably about a year before the regular crying stopped. I actually really do feel like I'm all cried out.

Having said that, I'm still not sure how much I've really processed the loss. It's almost like I spent a year trying to work through the loss and the grief hoping that at the end of it I'd come out feeling ok. But instead it kind of got to a point where it was more like, ok, I'm done,  I can't process it and I can't understand it. It just sucks. It's the absolute worst. It's unfair. It's everything that's bad about life.

But I'm comforted in knowing I'm not alone. I'm not special, everyone loses people close to them. So now I guess I'm just in a place where I don't analyze the grief or pain anymore. It's there, in the back of my head - probably forever - but in order to get through the day to day life, I have to kind of leave it in that little box in my brain. Compartmentalized.

But believe me, not a single day goes by when I don't think about her. Usually many times a day. She really is actually just with me most of the time, like a gentle background song. I hear her words when I speak. I hear her words in my thoughts. 

I hope whoever reads this can find some comfort in knowing that we don't stay crazy emotional balls of gooey mess forever.