Dear Beach45,

Firstly, I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your beloved mum.

Secondly, please do not be hard on yourself. The fact that you were by your mother's side says a lot and she would have known how much you loved her regardless of whether you cried in front of her or not. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I had similar moments of breaking down in the toilets because I felt I had to be strong in front of him. There were several moments that I broke down in front of him as well. There is no right or wrong way of expressing your emotion. Trust me, your mum did not love you any less because you didn't cry in front of her.

Regardless, I can assure you that she would have been grateful to have her loved ones surrounding her in her last few moments and just think how lucky you are and will always be for having such an amazing mother in your life. Let those joyous memories be at the forefront and just let everything else go. It's not possible to go back and do anything different. Remember that beautiful song you sang to her, it will give you so much more strength than you know.

Sending you lots of positive vibes and strength.

X

I echo all what was said in PJB7's post. Please don't feel guilty or be hard on yourself. I felt that same, that I couldn't cry in front of Dad, but in the end I sobbed in his arms like a child at one point when his friends started popping in to say goodbye. I felt the guilt at the time, but I just needed that cuddle one last time. We all have our own ways of coping and no way is right or wrong, and you did everything you thought best, even getting food to keep your strength up.

My mum would have told me off for not eating or looking after myself and I'm sure yours would have been the same.  Your grief will take time, and you'll go through so many different feelings. The missing them never goes away, but the overwhelming grief does ease with time, and the good memories takes its place.

Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and I hope the pain eases for you over your lovely mum.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies it has made me feel better.  I just know I absolutely did not what her to know she was dying. She was told she had terminal cancer. But we didn't tell her any more than that.  Only That the problem was more with her chest infection than the cancer.  She went into hospital with an infection. Then she is being told actually it's terminal cancer. I just thought we cannot tell this poor terrified woman she has just days left. Her phobia of death and cancer had been the cause of all her mental health problems for 50 years.  I just wanted to to keep it all light and happy for her. I'm sure she knew deep down. And I looked her in the eyes and said I wish I could take this away from you. And she nodded and we hugged. Once the consultant told her she had cancer I saw all her fight go. A day and a half later she slipped into unconsciousness. I just wanted her to not be afraid.  Shr probably was inwardly laughing at me discussing food. I do love my food. And I was feeling so faint which I always used to joke about If I hadn't eaten for an hour or two. 
 

at least I hope she was inwardly smiling. Xx

Hi Beach45,

I am really sorry about your mum. I too have lost my mum to Metastatic Breast Cancer back in April 2019 at the hospital. In her last days, she had palliative care and was made as comfortable as possible. I held her hand and I felt her hand squeezing back so she knew I was there.

I am sure your mum knows that she was loved. You were always there for your mum and she will always be there with you in your heart. Stay strong always.

Hi you did great with your mum as i was reading it it reminded of how i was always possitive if it got me i would go out for a few minutes this sort of stress is unimaginable and she will know you loved her i was just thinking what a wonerfull daughter and who wants to know there going to die i wouldnt sepsis took liz in less tha two days but it was a blessing as the alternative is horrendous i felt like you nocked myself to bits with should have could have but tou did great try not to pull yourself to pieses over it if you can we have to eat and discusing that alone would have put her mind at rest the normality of it i think ive replied before but a reminder always helps .paul

Sorry for delayed reply. Thank you all for your kind messages. Paul I always look forward to your advice as it always makes me feel better. Each day a new guilt pops into my head. But I think it's because it's easier than thinking about my mum and how much I miss her. When I try and replace my guilt with a happy memory of mum that is actually more painful than anything at the moment.  Thank you all again. 

So around july/august last year my mum first got poorly, no energy to do anything, wouldnt even leave the sofa for the whole day, which progressed day by day, after a while she had freezing cold hands and feet and started to struggle with her vision to the point she could only recognise people if they spoke in the room with her. Doctors spent nearly 12/13 weeks trying to find the issue, blaming this thay everything they could but never looking into if it couldve been cancer, until my dad took all the information to a close friend who is a private GP/doctor who said that all the tests and information we had been told didnt link up and he felt we had been on a bit of a wild goose chase, so now we are in late november, early december, they find cancer in her uteris which almost caused my mum to perk up finally having and answer, instantly onto chemo with the doctors saying its the best shot at sorting it, so we are at the end of january now, chemo seems to be going well with no side effects, result we are thinking, til one day she hits rock nottom, worse shes ever been, then qe find out the chemo dose is too high, so have to wait for that to oeave her system untol they can do the lower one, wait a few weeks for more scans, the cancer is now in her liver, bones the whole lot, this is when we find out its termjnal, one piece of news you can never truly process for weeks on end, almost not accepting that you have to believe it, shes in high spirits for a while unril the tumours start causing her pain constantly, and this is the pary which is almost harder than the day she died, seeing her suffer and struggle and not being able to do anything about it was the worse part

I was by her side when she took her laugh breath, and when you watch someone whos been their from the start, deteriorate that quickly and go through so much pain, its almost a relief, i kmow you are struggling to come to terms with it now, i still womt accept shes gone, but a person doesnt die when they take their last breath, they only die when you forget them, your memories will nevee leave you x