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Steph3
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 My mum died almost 2 weeks ago, after a few months of pain and illness post lung cancer diagnosis. We had the funeral yesterday. Now people are asking me if I am going back to work now. One family friend was amazed that I have had a couple of weeks off and not a couple of days. Another friend was like , oh the funeral is over, so you’re going back to work then? My sisters & other family expect me to be going back to work. I have just lost the person who I loved most in the whole world. I am broken, I am struggling to look after myself, to get out of bed, wash or do household chores. How they are expecting me to go back to work as a nursing sister  and be in charge of people’s lives is beyond me. Especially to see people dying on a hospital bed so soon after I saw my lovely mum lying dead there.Now I am feeling so guilty for being off work. I have the added stress now of caring for dad as mum was his main career , and trying to sort things out for him long term and helping him with administration etc. 

Feeling so bad but am being made to feel worse by others. Thanks for reading.

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    Hi 

    Firstly I’m so sorry for your recent loss , it’s been nearly 7 weeks since my Father passed and it was only 2 weeks ago that I returned to work - I spoke with my GP and she gave me a 4 week sick note due to my Emotional state , My job is not the norm and has its issues regarding stress and time spent outside of the U.K. 

    You need to speak to your GP and don’t feel guilty as you really need to take time away from work to re group your thoughts and emotions . I struggled when I was away but I got there and I’ve returned home feeling that another obstacle has been put to bed so to speak . 

    Dont let it go , make the call ASAP , look after yourself and get help to look after your Father .

    Regards

    Phil

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    Hi Steph, my beautiful mum passed away on 11th Sept.  I had a week and a half off bereavement leave, then I worked from home for a week and then had a week off sick last week as i got a bug and it was the funeral on Thursday.  I’m going back to work Monday although I feel like crawling into a cupboard and not coming out again.  I’m crying my eyes out right now because it just hit me again that she is actually gone. Forever.  I just can’t believe it even though we knew for over 2 years she was terminal,  we just didnt see it coming as she was so well and then just didnt wake up one morning and had a cardiac arrest.

    I feel so depressed and sad. I am worried about my poor dad, they were soulmates and married 54 years. Tonight is his first night alone and I am worried sick about him.

    I’m upset I didnt get to say goodbye to mum and that she died alone in the ambulance. I’m angry that we didnt have those conversations you should have had but put off because there was more time. I’m angry she didnt write me a letter, hardly ever text me so I have nothing to look back on. I’m angry that she died at only 71 years old.  I’m just really low today.  

    I’m so sorry you are going through this too. It helps to talk to others in the same boat.

    L

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    Hi steph,

    I'm sorry to hear about your mum.its just the worst time ever.

    My mum died suddenly on the 14th june and I havent coped at all. I have a very full on responsible job too and they were great, giving me compassionate leave until the funeral. I was then expected back to work the day afterwards.

    The morning after mums funeral I had a complete breakdown and went to the GP who signed me off for 4 weeks. Since then I have been signed off a further 2 times and have had 12 weeks sick in total.

    When I was due to be reviewed last week again i couldn't face telling work i was going to be off again so I have arranged to return tomorrow. I am absolutely dreading it but have to try and get some normality back in my life.

    There is no way I could have gone back before this but I know what you mean about family and friends. There is an expectation and I almost look forward to seeing how they cope when faced with the same shock and grief that we have.

    It sounds awful I know.

    Cheryl x

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    I didn't feel guilty and you shouldn't.  I took additional weeks as a combination of annual and special leave.  You need the time to get your dad settled, that's what I did and the only people going on at me to go back to work were work themselves, who to be honest do not care about me or my family. Your family should be grateful you are there for your dad. I regret not pushing for longer off , as I would rather have had another month unpaid and have had the time with my dad xxx

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    Hi Steph,

    Given the job you do and the impact making mistakes might have, why not see your GP and ask for a sick note? 

    As a former NHS line manager, that’s the advice I gave to staff in a similar position. Some Trusts allowed time for special leave, but mine didn’t, so this was the only option. 

    Bereavement hits us all differently and at different times, there’s no right or wrong way to do this but it would be unethical to put your patients at risk.

     

    Best wishes

    Dave

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