Dreading Christmas

My Mum passed away in July and I still feel like I can’t breathe every time I think of her. She had lung cancer that spread to her bones and spine, making her bedbound and we had no idea until May, despite the hospital keeping her in for 2 months. and the treatment didnt work and she passed away, not as peacefully as we had hoped. It was agony to watch as she was shouting ‘help me’ as her lungs gave out. We lost my auntie to a brain tumour 2 years ago so my poor Nan has lost two of 4 daughters and I feel like i have a responsibility to her too as well as worrying about my mums long term boyfriend. The trauma of watching Mum die is hard enough but I just dont know how to carry on without her. Christmas is a real difficult one as I love Christmas and so did my parents. I am really not sure how I will cope. My Mum was the one who hosted and did the cooking etc but my sister has offered to do it this year. I will be at my inlaws as my husband is their carer. I used to visit Mum every day and sometimes have dinner at Mums so I just feel like I am going to be so lost. I feel so lost anyway but Christmas is going to be hell. How do you cope when you lose someone that organised and looked after everything and everyone?

  • Hi zoeybee,

     

    I couldn't agree with you more and am absolutely dreading the festive season. It's not so much the day itself because that flies and my 12 year old will be so excited. It's the whole 3 month run up of adverts, xmas songs and peoples excitement. I cant bear to even think of enjoying myself. My mum loved xmas and used to do all the decorations with my daughter.

    I just feel so miserable and cant believe she isn't here anymore. Like your mum, mine did all the organising and shopping and had fun doing it!

    I just want to fast forward to the new year. I cant even handle the fact it was pitch black at 7.30 tonight when I put the bin out.

     

    Cheryl x

  • I was planning Christmas with mum 2 days before she suddenly died of cardiac arrest... I litterally don’t know how I’m going to get through it. Until she was diagnosed, Christmas was at mum and dad’s and it was santa’s Grotto, 15 people for dinner and chaos but we loved it.  The last two years we had it at mine once and it was crap and then last year I cooked at mum and dads so mum could go to bed if needed. She was really ill and turns out she had sepsis.  So really the last two years were awful, but she was still here so we made the best of it.

    this year all the kids were at alternative parents or partners parents for Christmas Day and coming for christmas dinner Boxing Day. So we decided that we would have ready meals in PJ’s and watch all the Christmas TV all day and just veg out.  We were all really excited about it.

    then mum was ill for a day and didn’t wake up the next day... the Morrisons catalogue with all the lovely food circled that she was ordering online, still on the sofa next to her ipad....  I just want to run away and not come back til Jan