Cwtch my lovely, I know what you mean. I turned 50 this year and have 2 daughters grown up.  I’m just not good in a crisis. I have a calm husband and he usually pulls me through, or my mum who was also calm in a crisis.  

I just couldnt imagine what the end would be.  I didnt expect her to just ... die... immediately with no warning like a heart attack or other sudden illness.  It was a blessing in the end but I am now torturing myself with “what if’s”. What if we had taken her to the hospital the day before. What if we had phoned the ambulance earlier.

yet immediately after her death I said to my husband and brother. I have no regrets. I did my best and supported her all the way.  I visited every day she was in hospital more or less and saw her every week and rang all the time.  Not too much or she would have thought she was on deaths door and no one told her, so had to keep it as normal as possible,

now 5 days later I am going over and over everything and torturing myself.... uggghhh

Hi so sorry . Its like that goes round and round in you head if i had rung ambulance she would be here now if i had done this or that i was just the same so dont worry it does stop but it stops quicker if everytime those thoughts start just think and tell yourself out loud one great thing you did do you will find those black self punishing thoughts will dwindle quicker .its grief would it have made any diffrence your poor mum would have gone anyway but at least she was with you and she will have known that and not in a strange bed with strangers putting canulas and drugs in and being confused and scared and maybe live a few hours longer so you did the right thing so think that next time that guilt slips into your head its a diffrent way of looking at the same thing i dont think just because our body dies that all that energy thought feelings of love cant just blink out of existence .i think our loved ones stay around for a while but i think we are in such pain and loss we dont feel it .i lost my partner liz just over a year ago and for a long time after i felt something call it sixth sence in my case it took the lonelyness away not the feeling of loss that will always be there .so everytime the dark thoughts come try and think good ones try a bit of counciling that can realy help but you have to stick at it as it hurts at first .best wishs to you and your family .paul

I also visited my mum every day staying all day until the evening.  Or sometimes I would do morninh/afternoon. Dad would then take over. My brother barely visited as he couldn’t handle it.  My little ones visited with me too.  When they told her on the Saturday she was terminally ill. I stayed til 9pm. Then went home. I felt she needed some time alone to digest everything as it looked like she was trying to hold it all together in front of us.  The nurse said for me to go get my rest as we will need it over the next few days.  So Saturday and Sunday I went home in the evening and tried to sleep. However Monday I said to myself I was going to start staying over at the hospital.  But I arrived on Monday and the consultant said she is deteriorating and less than 12 hours to go. And she died Monday night at 9pm. So I never did get to stay a night with her and that hurts beyond belief I left her those last two nights. Even though the nurses were wonderful and one said she sat with Mum during The night and held her hand. That should have been me. 

My mum died with them pumping on her chest in an ambulance alone.. I just never thought she'd go that way with none of her family there. It really upsets me

I woke up crying this morning and feel terrible. The funeral is not until 3rd October. I think we spent far too much money on it. Mum didn't even want a funera . I ordered a wicker casket. It's one of the only things mum asked for. It doesn't look like a coffin so I like it. But she'd be horrified dad spent over 4 grand. I don't even know if he can afford it :cry:

It’s utter torment isn’t it.  Just thoughts going over and over in our heads.  Your mum was most likely unconscious in the ambulance and Her last awareness and memory would have been in the comfort of her home I’m sure.  

Funeral for mum is this Thursday I’m doing the Eulogy. We have chosen her favourite songs. She is wearing what she wore on her 70th back in April. Mum never discussed her funeral. She was so afraid of death.  She is being cremated. Dad is taking some of her ashes and I’m taking some to scatter near me at a waterfall here in Cornwall . 

Ah Paul such lovely comforting words thank you.  It’s constant guilt and what ifs.  Thinking back to things I might have said or done 20 years ago.  I hated her smoking I wish I didn’t give her hassle about it now. But she did die from possible lung cancer.  I will get some counselling because they do put it all perspective at time when there is no perspective I guess.  Sounds like Liz was very lucky to have you. 

Thanks . Hi i certainly wouldnt feel guilty about trying to get your mum to stop smoking theres always a other way of thinking when these things come into your head ye it stinks but it was for your mums health in the end every bit of guilt you feel will have a diffeent view .you will sort it out in your own head eventualy i dont know wether you remember wurzal gummag tv series at the moment your wearing your emotional head as you get stronger you get your logical head back on then you will think why am i blaming myself for doing things to try and help mum .yes do try counciling but it hurts at the beggining but if you cantact local hospic they are experianced at this and can help you with your feelings because goodness the strongest of us need help at times .so one day at a time eh take it slow . Best wishs paul

Paul and Beach you have been tremendous support and comfort to me this last week. Want to thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

I registered mum’s death today.  It’s taken a week and as I signed the certificate it was the exact time she passed at 10:30 am.  I burst into tears. Poor registrar was a bit surprised.

Now it’s all the will to sort and trying to unlock bank accounts to see what’s what. She did all the money and dad doesn’t even have online banking or anything. :(

Your wellcome we know what your going through just plod on slow if it gets to much stop and have a rest you'll get through it . Try not to make any big desisions same with your dad . I dont have online banking myself i try to keep everything simple ime from the old school when i was young all there was was a phone box if needed to talk to someone you walked round .yet ime very good with smartphones if not for that i would miss half my appointments if your dad kept food on the table paid the bills thats a credit to him were taught to do that it was our job .