I don’t know how to help my dad... or if I can!

My dad is in such a bad state since my mum died on Wednesday,  He is a very strong character and mum kept him in check. He is an intelligent, wise patriarch. He’s kind and thoughtful and loves his family.  However, he loves Pierce Morgan... so you can imagine what his views on life are .... there’s always been a lot of raised voices in our house.

I’m staying at mum and dad’s house while we organise the funeral, but he doesnt want to be alone.  Ever.  He hasn’t slept int their bed since she died. He sleeps on the sofa.

I need to go home today to get some stuff and I will be back but he full on panicked and started crying when I said i’d be gone most of the day.

My brother is here but he has flown from Japan (was there on business) and he has to go home next week as he lives 100 miles away and it;s his daughters last week at home before she goes to Uni.

basically, I feel like I have to move into my parents home for the foreseeable future, which means leaving my life and my husband as he needs to be at home.

What did other people do? What advice do you have. Is this normal? Should I stay? 

I don’t feel like I’ve had space to grieve myself. I need some space. Dad finds mums stuff all around a comfort, but I”m finding it overwhelming and I want to run.  Run.  Run

Help! :(

  • It's very early days, he must be so scared for the future as well as grieving.  I stayed a month, and my dad amazed me at the end of it, even though he was devastated and his life as he knew it would never be the same again. Lots of hugs and reassurance needed, it really is worth it.  Is there another room he can use to be more comfortable and get some sleep?

  • Your reply has made me cry. That really gives me hope  mum wanted him to be happy meet someone and move on  They were soul mates. Xx

  • My dad was probably older, and would not have moved on even if younger, he was that sort of person. You need to both grieve and have the funeral,  then you will get time to think about next stages as there is too much else going on.  As someone who had never cooked, we thought it was going to be a case of ordering meals in etc, but not even  needed in the end. It is all so overwhelming,  and it's first time I had seen my dad like that, it's like a second  shock to the system.

  • Go home your dad will be ok for a day he will be lost if your worried gp can give something to calme him down maybe and check him out heart etc  i dont know much about pierce morgan he says things to get people wound up they kicked him out of the us program i beleive .i know what agony hes going through i took every picture reminder moved bedroom round for a short time just so i wasnt reminded all the time if your dad has a spare room move him in there .but he has to get used to it now its called being cruel to be kind sorry if ime a bit hard dont mean to be but ive been through it and didnt have the supporting daughter he has a lucky man . Paul ps if he rings you last thing at night first thing in the morning and early evening or you ring hims that few minutes chat and to know he is not alone realy means such a lot because thats when its most painful

  • Thanks Paul, that’s probably what I will have to do tbh. God it’s hard :(

  • It is but trust me it  gets eisier .p

  • My dad actually sort of sent me back to work when he came out of his daze of replaying the trauma of the day.  I know what he was doing as I was doing the same, replaying the day over and over in my head.  If I had been closer it would have been easier to come and go but I was a few hundred miles away and there was an emotional anniversary I didnt want him to go through on his own, so stayed the 2 weeks after the funeral to get him started with meals and the banks, or he may have sent me off after 3 weeks.

    Funnily enough, like  Paul suggests, online messaging in the morning with a whatsapp group with the family in it for anyone around to say hello and message, and a  skype call at night (just me) for a chat about the day turned into a daily routine!

  • Thats great keeping in touch its not easy living a long way away but not texts hearing a voice is still the best but a texts next best thing for us oldies lol p

  • Hi Paul,  once my dad  got sending photos on whatsapp with a new smartphone it kept him in touch with the rest of the family all through the day, but yes, I agree, I feel the skype call is the really important one, as you need a proper conversation together about everyday things,  I know when I am in the house on my own for the day I can lose my voice!

  • Yep thats the way to go new smartphone if not for mine i would miss so many appointments and the skyp good for you to early days yet the waves of grief come and go but the pain does dwindle like your dad and i i  marrige or partnership we are all good at thing our partners are not but they are good at othere thing so it works its the fear of not being able to cope that hits us and causes anxiaty .but you have had a loss to so you need to look after and protect yourself in a way your grief is no less than your dads but diffrent its a horrid saying is time is a great healer not one we want to hear at certain times but it couldn't be more true so long as people dont just sit there its how you use that time counciling talking talking and more talking .your dad will be ok just needs to know hes not alone just bye himself big diffrence there .look after yourself to stress is awful but i dont feel lonely anymore i cant put a finger on it but i feel liz at times 6th sence maybe .regards paul