I’m awake. Same as you really! Last night I was awake from 12:30-4:30, tired all day and now I can’t sleep. I keep reading peoples cancer stories whether they have it,  beat it, going through it, their parent had it. 

Last night I kept thinking how relieved I am that my mum isn’t in pain anymore and started freaking out like it meant i was happy she’s not here but it’s not that, I’m just relieved neither of us are going through it anymore. It’s been nearly 2 weeks and I don’t even have a feeling of missing her. I don’t really understand what I’m feeling, my mum was my best friend I love her a lot. 

This is still really raw for you and I. Have you been to see any councillor at all to speak to them? Sometimes I think the internet makes us feel worse 

hi [@Tatties]‍ 

t‍hankyou soo much for messaging!. im sorry to hear about your mother, I send all my love to you and your family. As for feeling relieved... just like you -for me it genuinely feels as if a weight  has been lifted off my shoulders. And I hate myself for feeling that way as it has made me question whether I loved my father . When really I worshiped my father, he was my everything and I would of done absolutely anything for him. From what I gather on here, it’ seems to be normal as to why we are feeling like this. 

I mean , my father suffered for such a long time- and fought so hard for so long, my father never should of gone through that . Like yourself, I also don’t know what I’m feeling- I feel a little emtionless If anything. My dad is always on my mind, I’m constantly thinking about him. 

As for going to see a councillor - because of my job that wouldn’t really be advised. I mean, I find this a great help to let off some steam. I’m having a meeting with my fathers doctor tomorrow ( the one that was in charge in hospital) and I’m hoping I will have a few of my questions answered. 

I hope you’re okay

x

So many of us are going through or have went through the same eh? Think I might go along to Maggies centre since I’m off work, don’t feel ready to go back but as I’m sitting alone I think it’s making me feel awful!