Hi All
I have no idea how this is supposed to start but here goes;
I lost my Dad 28th March this year, I found out 17days before that that he had terminal metastatic Cancer. For 5 years he had undergone regular scans with no hint that his Cancer had returned and then in 3 short months everything changed.
He chose not to tell me, my brother or sister and made my mum promise not to say anything.
I sat in a hospice with him on the 13th March (He was only in to control his med’s), he looked so well, better than he had done for years, his own consultant advised that with how advanced his Cancer was he shouldn’t even be walking.
He told me not to worry as he was not planning on going anywhere, I genuinely believed we had time.
On the Friday before he passed I remember scolding him because he had been doing too much and he looked in pain, he fell asleep and I left him to sleep knowing that I would be back on the Saturday. That day I walked into his room and my life changed for ever, hooked up to Oxygen and barely moving he went downhill from there. I found out that morning that he had hours and days at most.
I stayed with him, my mum, brother and sister all coming when they could and I slept in a chair beside his bed every night, holding his hand, on the Monday It was decided to sedate him due to his pain levels. He had 2 syringe drivers constantly attached, one for sedation, one for Morphine. On the Thursday afternoon he passed an hour after my mum had gone home, too upset to stay that day.
I knew instinctively when he passed and my whole world crumbled.
I know this is probably more detail that I should be going into but I guess I needed the right place to say all of this.
My Dad will always be my hero, the strongest person I know and I guess this is my apology to him, I should have been there and I will never forgive myself for him thinking he could not tell me.
Everytime I close my eyes I relive those last moments with him and It’s breaking me inside each and everyday.
I am not even sure why I need to get all this out somewhere but I needed to get it all off my chest and this allows me to do it so sorry to everyone that has read this very long post.
I guess it just comes down to I miss him so so much xx
