I miss my Dad

Hi All

I have no idea how this is supposed to start but here goes; 

I lost my Dad 28th March this year, I found out 17days before that that he had terminal metastatic Cancer. For 5 years he had undergone regular scans with no hint that his Cancer had returned and then in 3 short months everything changed. 

He chose not to tell me, my brother or sister and made my mum promise not to say anything. 

I sat in a hospice with him on the 13th March (He was only in to control his med’s), he looked so well, better than he had done for years, his own consultant advised that with how advanced his Cancer was he shouldn’t even be walking. 

He told me not to worry as he was not planning on going anywhere, I genuinely believed we had time. 

On the Friday before he passed I remember scolding him because he had been doing too much and he looked in pain, he fell asleep and I left him to sleep knowing that I would be back on the Saturday. That day I walked into his room and my life changed for ever, hooked up to Oxygen and barely moving he went downhill from there. I found out that morning that he had hours and days at most. 

I stayed with him, my mum, brother and sister all coming when they could and I slept in a chair beside his bed every night, holding his hand, on the Monday It was decided to sedate him due to his pain levels. He had 2 syringe drivers constantly attached, one for sedation, one for Morphine. On the Thursday afternoon he passed an hour after my mum had gone home, too upset to stay that day. 

I knew instinctively when he passed and my whole world crumbled. 

I know this is probably more detail that I should be going into but I guess I needed the right place to say all of this. 

My Dad will always be my hero, the strongest person I know and I guess this is my apology to him, I should have been there and I will never forgive myself for him thinking he could not tell me. 

Everytime I close my eyes I relive those last moments with him and It’s breaking me inside each and everyday. 

I am not even sure why I need to get all this out somewhere but I needed to get it all off my chest and this allows me to do it so sorry to everyone that has read this very long post. 

I guess it just comes down to I miss him so so much xx

  • My poor love, don't feel guilty - he didn't want to tell you sooner because he wanted to save you as much pain as he possibly could.  It was nothing to do with you or if you had done anything wrong.  He just wanted you to feel that everything was OK for as long as possible, he was protecting you which all good Dads do.  And don't feel bad about shouting at him for doing too much, my husband is dying of terminal cancer and I do exactly the same, in fact, it happened on Saturday when he was trying to do some sanding, silly man.  This is exactly the right place to say the things you did and get help and support, so don't worry.

    Thinking of you and God Bless x

  • Hi I know just how you are feeling. I too wish my Dad had told me more and I had been there when he passed on 14 December 2018.  Instead of it just been my mum on her own.  I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or sit with him and have  my favourite Elvis song playing. 

    Look after yourself and your family. X X x

  • I don't know if this helps as everyones situation is different but when Mum was admitted into the hospice, for what we thought was going to be a review of meds but sadly she passed away only a week later, she cried when telling the staff how she felt a burden that we were all looking after her when it should have been the other way around. All her life she looked after my Dad, her mum and all of her children, even when we were adults and for her to be the one being cared for didn't sit comfortably with her.

    I know she hated the way that cancer robbed her of her independance and ability to conduct her own personal care in the last weeks and she was determined to hang on to every last bit of who she had been before her illness really took hold. Like your Dad she kept so much of her pain from us and protected us from her fears about dying and really looked after us right to the very end, which is what Mums and Dads are supposed to do. I also think that to confide her fears was to make what was happening real and sometimes the only way to cope with imminent death is part denial, she knew what was happening but didn't voice it as we all already knew what was coming. Also to say goodbye is very final so we never did, we told her she would get sleepier and drift off to sleep with the medication and we would see her later. No mentions of how on earth we would cope without her or the devastation that her passing would cause. She knew this more than anyone and it served no purpose for it to be voiced.

    I like to think she knew we were all with her at the end even if we weren't speaking just touching her hand and she certainly knew how much she was loved which I'm sure your Dad did too.

    I don't think those final memories ever go but your ability to place them into a compartment inside your brain and continue to function slowly gets better and the other memories filter back to dilute them somewhat.

    Take care x