........ come the 1st of August, we were allowed to be discharged, we were having an aft6of mixed emotions, is he alright , why is he not happy, why are we scared ?? 

15 hours later, we rushed him back into hospital, his breathing was out of control, so irregular we were loss for words clutching at straws what is happening. That night we were rushed down to PICU, we didn't realise our son was losing his life. Slowly as the hours went by, he slowly got a little better his breathing improved, we were advised to change his facial mask to nasal o2 pongs, for 2 hours he just went downhill, we rushed him back on his mask, unfortunately his lung capacity shrunk day by day. We were there watching a happy healthy young boy with his whole life a head of him slowly dying right b4 our eyes, what is going on. By mid afternoon our little solider went for a normal afternoon nap, but this time it would be his last. For 40 minutes alk the doctors, nurses medi6staff were in our room trying to keep him alive, they were giving CPR, using the hand held o2 mask, lifting his head upright so he could breath, all to no avail. Our little boy had ...... died!! 

That was 3 weeks ago, and I wish that it was me who is in that box and not him, ,how can the lord above take a child life away, I'm so angry, so sad, so pi** off everything!! 

I'm so scared of doing something that I will not be able to change once I have did it, 

Why did my son have to go, why

Oh my ...

I think it's the hardest thing to go through in life ... loosing our babies,  no matter what age ... cancer has no limits .. no empathy ... and all I can do, is say my heart goes out to you ... I know nothing will ease your pain , no words can come close ...

Know your not alone, many on here have been on this same path ... too many ... sending you a vertual hug....   Chrissie x 

I am so sorry and saddened to read this Ed I won't lie your story has brought tears to my eyes as I am sure it will also deeply move many on the forum. I don't think there is anything harder in life than the loss of a child. I am so so sorry for your loss and wanted to send you, your wife and family my sincere condolences. It is normal that you are feeling both sad and angry with everything at the moment. You've been through a most traumatic experience. I was deeply moved to read the story of your incredible little soldier - in fact I am struggling to find the right comforting words because I can only imagine how intense the pain you are feeling is, and how hard it must all be for your wife and you.  

You've done the right thing to come here; sometimes it helps to just write things down as you are going through such a whirlwind of emotions. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and others sadly on this forum have also recently lost a loved one to cancer and will know how you are feeling at the moment. We are all here for you whenever you need to talk. One thing is sure - that little man of yours  was such a brave little soldier - there are no other words to describe him. When you are ready, feel free read our page on coping with grief which explains why it is normal for you to experience all these complex feelings of sadness and anger you describe but at the moment it is normal to feel like this is all too much to have to deal with, to feel that it is all too vivid and too raw. I hope both you and your wife have some good support around you. 

Please Ed, I know it is tempting to want to face all this alone, but try and seek help, perhaps talk to a GP you feel comfortable with about what you have been through as it is better not to bottle things up. What you have been through recently is beyond painful, but like father like son, I am sure you have this little soldier in you too to keep going and that you can somehow find that strength to just carry on one day at a time so that your wife and you can support one another through this terribly difficult time. 

If it all gets too much, the Samaritans have a great helpline you can call at any time of day or night. You can find their contact details here so don't hesitate to pick up the phone or to get in touch with them in your preferred way. 

Warmest wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Ed, there is little I can do other than offer my deepest condolences and to encourage you to keep talking, and reaching out for support to help to ease the agony you are in.  Everyone on here will do their best to help you. What is your son's name? It would be nice to know so I can mention him in my prayers tonight, if you would like that. 

Ed I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are in. Please keep communicating though, you have done the right thing being so brave in sharing your grief.May I ask what your son's name is, I'd like to mention him ( and you)  in my prayers tonight. Just keep talking Ed, all night if you need to, Samaritans will listen and not judge. People on here will try their best to make you feel less alone ( as you can see already several posts from people concerned for you). I hope nothing I have said offends you, but I can honestly say this is the most heart-rending post I have ever seen and I wanted to say something to you. 

Hi ed my grandaughter had this but are diffrent type and my granson died not from cancer his heart ime so sorry its i pain i think that we cant imagine your poor wife must be in pergatory you said why i dont think there is an answer to cancer it efect bad and good young and old it just a rotton evil dieses i lost my partner just over a year ago still reeling from that ime just waiting for results of biopsie now it never gives a break .paul