Hi,
 in December 2011, when I was 13 I lost my moher to cancer, she had stage 4 lymphatic cancer and had been diagnosed 5 years earlier when I was 6 or 7. At the time she had been in remission and went into hospital for a check up, they kept her in, and a week later she died. We were with her when she passed, but we were given no heads up to how sick she was. The last time I'd spoken to her she told me that there was nothing to worry about, and if there was she would let me know.So we didn't visit all week. So she herself was even unaware. I was in school the day she died, I'd wanted to stay with her the night before but my relatives insisted that I go home to go in the following morning. We were collected and brought in to the hospital where she died that night, Because she was doped out of it on morpheine she was unconscious, I never heard her voice, saw her eyes, I never had the chace to say goodbye, she was already gone. 
 The funeral happeed, my house was changed entirely for the wake, all her clothes washed, never to smell her again. All familiarity lost. And after the funeral, we were sent back to school, a total of 2 weeks off even thugh we were only days away from our christmas holidays. So back to school I went where I was from there on out just expected to get on with it, as if it wasn't a big deal? I was never offered any support or professional help. Any attempts of help were indirect, that I can only see now, like being invited to tag along with whatever my aunty was doing with her small children. But not helpful no matter the intent. 
 Now it's almost 9 years later, it's not gotten easier, it's gotten harder despite what everyone said. Unlike before, now I remember less of her, I can no longer hear her voice in m head, nore can I remember what everyday life with her was like. My memories are vague, short and few. This breaks my heart further. I feel like I have spent the last 9 years moving through the motions (for the most part) hoping that life would change to be bearable but now I feel like more of a shell of myself than I ever have. My mother inspired the best in me, and the best in me died along with her. I lost her encouragement, love, care, support, friendship, positive influence and security and really most importantly my best friend. She is the exact person that I need for suppor to be able to get through this and to be able to actually live. I knew this when I was younger too, I knew that as long as I had her I had the strangth and the will to continue. Now I feel I have neither, neither do I want them. I simply just do not want to live in a world without her, life doesn't hold any joy for me anymore. And I've tried, I've tried the counselling, reaching out to friends or family, medication, meditation, you name it. And to no avail, only now I just feel angry, because I'm suffering, and I've been suffering for so long. I could type all day about this, about how deeply the pain is routed. I could cry forever, it's always there just below the surface. So obvious, but everyone chooses to ignore it, because they don't know what to do with it and they don't want to deal with i, so as always I've been left to deal with it on my on, but I don't want to anymore and I don't seem to care that it's what my mother would want, I don't seem to care about anything and my anger seems to know no bounds. I've felt neglected and abandoned ever since and even though my mother did not choose to die I am still resentful towards her for reasons I can't even seem to begin to understand but I think it's a feeling of being left behind, in our old damp house, with my alcoholic father and my violent brother, and the lack of money. Everything is so cleak but she was such a ray of sunshine I never undertood the full cast of the darkness until her light was out out, and with it, mine.