Dilemmas

My lovely mum passed away 3 days ago. I’ve been on rollercoaster of emotion, literally as I could discuss and chat happily one moment and cry just the next minute. One thing that triggers me the most are my mum’s clothes. We are the same size and usually she lets me borrow her stuff, although there are some that is personal to her like underwear, fancy jackets/coats and several pyjamas that I was reluctant to wear, because at least we want border on which clothes are mine and hers.

After the funeral yesterday, there were so much stuff going on that I haven’t done my laundry yet- I ran out of pyjamas. The only thing left we’re my mum’s. 

She won’t use it anymore, so it’s fine to wear hers right? 

The thought hits me the most and I breakdown on spot. She won’t use it anymore. But it’s hers.

But she won’t use it anymore. I was crying, some of them are just bought from primark and my aunt bought a lot for my mum when she visited us in London. She hasn’t got the chance to wear some of them. It’s unfair. There’s so much stuff she wants to do, so much things she hasn’t done, some research project she hasn’t finished. I hate it so much. 

I can’t stand looking at her things, at her clothes in particular since we used to share them, we used to fight who can wear the white blouse or the nice M&S coat today. Now it’s all mine.

I can’t continue like this. I’m thinking to sell or give them away, but they’re part of a precious memory’s with my mum. On the other hand I felt nothing but grief and anger and undeserved feelings even staring at it. 

What should I do?

  • Hi,

    I am so sorry to hear about your mom passing. My mom passed away 2 weeks ago last Sunday. Her funeral was Thursday. I completely understand the rollercoaster of emotions you have mentioned. I'm trying my best to act normal and not break down but there are so many triggers. Everywhere I look in the house there are moms things, which one minute I find comforting as if she is still here and the next it's breaking my heart, as she doesn't need them anymore. How is that possible, I can't understand it.

    I shared clothes with mom as well, and the thought of getting rid of them is breaking my heart. I know we will have to at some point, especially as it's killing my dad to see all her things in their bedroom. But the thought of doing it now seems so wrong, like we are trying to erase her. We have discussed that when the time is right, we will donate them to the hospice where she spent her final days; they couldn't have been more wonderful.

    However I know I will be keeping some of her clothes and will wear some of them them. I'm thinking it  will be like I'm keeping a part of her alive somehow. The tradition of sharing clothes,  does that make sense? I don't know but that's how I'm thinking anyway. 

    So in answer to your question yes it's fine to wear them, I think she would like that, and in a way, it's way of honouring her somehow. I don't think you should rush and get rid of them right now, as it's all still too raw and painful and down the line you might regret it. If it is too painful  to look at them right now, maybe move them to a spare room or put them in a suitcase for safekeeping, so you won't have to see them but they are still there in case you do in the future. 

    Life is completely unfair and we have both been robbed of our wonderful moms. We had so many plans for the future, we were going to move to the seaside etc. None of that is going to happen now and she won't get to do all the other things she wanted to do, she was really looking forward to retiring with my dad as well.

    Ultimately there is no right or wrong thing to do, only you can decide, but me personally I can't get rid or even move her things. Her handbag is still hanging up with the coats at the bottom of the stairs, it's Iike she has just popped out and it's waiting for her when she gets back. I don't know whether it's  healthy or not, but that's how it is at the moment

    I'm here if you ever want to talk, I'm a good listener 

    Lucy x

  • Hey there, so sorry to hear of your mum's passing. My mum has terminal lung cancer and treatment has been stopped so we are now preparing for our goodbyes, whenever that maybe. I have found a company called "love keep create" which turn your loved ones clothes into quilts, teddies, cushions etc. I've decided that when my mum passes,  I'm going to have her clothes made into a quilt and cushions for her grandchildren. It will be the closest thing to giving her a hug. Just thought I would mention it as an alternative for you. Sending hugs xx

  • Thanks, that sounds very lovely. I'll try checking their site, but I decided to keep some of the nicer ones for myself. :)