Its been 10 months since my beautiful mum passed away and reading some of the new/recent posts here, breaks my heart as I can understand a little of what people are going through. Does it get easier, yes and no is my answer, the uncontrollable crying stops and I speak about my mum every day, whether to family or non-family members without breaking down, that is only in private now as generally people outside the family expect you to have moved on.
I am not sure if anybody feels the same but the hardest feelings are those where I feel I should have done more, seen mum more. I have taken early retirement, the councellor said I was addicted to work and even my brother said I put it first; I remember dropping off some groceries to mum and dad's and seeing mum in the kitchen, I can hear myself saying " can't stop mum, really busy at work" and silly as it sounds, that breaks me. The blood cancer was the cause of mum's death although Mum had Alzheimers for around the last 5 years of her life, I could have spent more time with mum, but somehow work was always so busy; I will always regret that. The fact that I can't see or speak to mum now, or looking at some old video's from Christmas's past, when she was so full of life and happy makes me feel worse. I had the best mum and I am spending so much time with dad now, I joked that he would get fed up of seeing me....we have days out but there is always someone missing.
How do you come to terms with the feelings of regret, knowing that I cannot tell mum how so very sorry I am, how I would do anything just to have her here now. Somebody said grief is selfish as we're only thinking about our own feelings, maybe there's some truth in that but I just find it so hard to accept that mum isn't here. The world is just not right without mum in it. I said to my husband, why do we not appreciate what we have at the time? The plan was to retire and spend more time with mum and dad, why didn't I do it sooner.
