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Losing a father at 12 to a brain tumour

Aidan911gt3rs
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Hi, my names Aidan,

It's currently 2:44 am right now, but emotions hit you randomly and I kinda wanted to vent and share my story for others going through the same thing. I'm 16, and I lost my dad to a cancerous tumour in his brain when I was 12. He had been ill for awhile, and my parents split up when I was young. As said, he was ill for while before, when I was 11 until he died he was in and out of care homes. I remember him in hospital not being able to speak and just staring at me, and going to bed being told that if I was woken up I'd have to go and see him as he would have passed away in the hospital. I thought by now I would have dealt with these things, but I still think about it every day. I sometimes just want a guy to look up to, but I know I cant. I never really get too emotional, even though I feel it. You know when you see a violent movie, and you instantly feel a strong sense of emotion, well the other day my mum and i were going through his funeral stuff and we came across my poen I wrote for him before his funeral and spoke at the funeral, i read one word and I instantly felt horrible and started crying. I cant remember any moment in recent history where I've just snapped like that, I just felt overcome and had all my younger feelings come back to me. I still feel these emotions and sometimes feel I put so much pressure on myself to be a man that helps his sister (shes 15 18 months younger than me) and mum getting through moments of sadness thinking about it. Please can someone give me some advice, as I've been having the same type of thoughts for the last year or so, I just randomly wrote this and I'm not going to edit or or change it so it might seem inconsistent and hard to read, but I want it to be real, so you can understand (if anyone reads this) now I'm feeling. 

Love 

Aidan

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    Hello Aidan - I do understand how you are feeling & you expressed & told your story very well. It's terribly sad for you & you are clearly trying to be brave for your sister & others no doubt. You sound very mature for a 16 year old but compared with someone at my age you are really only a baby (I don't mean to patronise you at all) but at 16 it just isn't possible for you to have had enough life experience to cope with all that has happened.

    I think what you need to try to understand is that being brave includes being brave enough to tell those close to you just how sad you feel. If you don't tell them & carry on putting a lid on your feelings they can't help you. Your sister might well feel better about things if she knew she was helping you as much as you are helping her.

    You say by now you should have "dealt with these things". Goodness me it takes a long time to fully deal with grief & come to terms with everything that has happened. Sometimes years! That doesn't mean you'll feel as bad as you do now for years I promise but grieving is a long process. I hope you will trust me when I say that if you carry on as you are & bury those feelings you will be storing up sadness much further along the line.

    I hope you will keep posting here so that other people who understand what you are going through can offer their support. You ARE a very brave young man & I fully expect that you are brave enough to cry when you feel you need to & not think less of yourself for it or that you are weak in some way. Brave men do cry & share their feelings I promise. I truly, truly promise.

    Sending you a big hug to show you are not alone.

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    Hello Aidan; I am sorry you lost  your dad so  young.  It is hard at any time but even more so at  your age when - as  you say - you could have been helped by him so much in your growing years.  I understand what you feel about being a "man" but actually it is nonsensical and unrealistic.  Men have trouble coping just as much as women and every individual - male or female - has to find their own way through this.  I don't know if you are aware of a website called Winston's Wish for people of your age who have lost a loved one.  You will find so many people in your age group who have been and are going through this and I think it might be a relief and help for you to communicate with them.   You write very clearly by the way.  Also you can write here any time about anything that you want to get out of your system as many people of all ages have been through this and have their own experiences.  You are welcome any time so please do keep in touch if it helps you.  Annie

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    Hi Aiden. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your dad at such a young age. My husband died when he was 30 from cancer and our son was only 5.  As my son grow older (17 years old) I decided to look for a new partner and just as importantly a father figure for Matt. We are now happy and I have a fiance who I have been with for 7 years now, but I always stayed the strong one so Matt could just be the kid that he was supposed to be. I guess what I am trying to say is:- Your mum and sister are probably stronger than you realize and you shouldn't feel like you have to carry the world on your shoulders. Maybe have a little friendly chat with your mum and sister and just explain how you feel. Talking is a good thing, and you may be surprised at their answer. Take care and we are all here to listen mate. All the best

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    Hey my names Cécile and I’m nearly 16, I lost my mum to cancer when I was 11 and when I read ur post I could relate to all the emotion u were describing. Many people our age do not know what it is like to loose a parent and honestly I can’t always describe this feeling either, which is why when I came across ur post I was truly touched. My only advice is that please try not to have any regrets, it’s to easy to say "what if " instead  we need remember and honour great memories coz cancer can never take this away from us. Life can truly suck and I’m sorry u have had to go through this but in some twisted way we have to experience bad to appreciate good, and plz try to think of the good things in ur life, the things that make u happy because this is our life and the only way we can change in this whole experience is our prospective by having my amazing friends and family I could not be this strong and my life would not be this amazing I will always remember my mum even tho I can’t always express my grief, and i will honour her by living my life to the fullest.

    ive sent u a friend request coz every little helps,

    Cecile xx

  • Offline in reply to Ceal_xx

    Hi there Cecile... and aiden ..

    I felt I just had to say ... as an old lass .. you young ones, never cease to amaze me ... I've had young ones in my family loose loved ones also .. and us adults don't realise just how you see things ... I've tried so hard to see if I could start something for those young to have their own chat room .. as I think you so need someone your own age to relate to ...but it takes a lot more then I can do ... and I'm not computer savvy ... 

    We can try to understand .. but from what I've learned over the years ... we don't quite "get it" but just wanted to say .. I so hope you both have /find someone to help you understand those feelings .. and help you come to understand your feelings ...  

    Sending you both a vertual nanny hug ... Chrissie x

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thank u this really means a lot , it truly doesn’t matter what age u experience grief it still feels the same and there is no way u can compare different amounts of pain xx 

    u r a truly inspirational person I’ve read many of ur replies and advice to other people going through this so thank u for putting in the effort to make everyone feel a little better xx

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