My mam died on Christmas day due to lung cancer. When she was diagnosed 8 months before her death, I was devastated. Since she died I have hardly shed a tear and I carry on like nothing has happened. I'm starting to feel guilty now as I adored her and I can't understand why I'm not upset when I should be.

Hi, just replying to your post because I felt the exact same as you a few months ago hence why I wrote my comment and I just wanted to let you know how things are going now, so that you feel comforted. 
I have realised now that I believe the numb and acting like nothing happened feeling is so very normal and is a self protection thing. I promise you now there is nothing wrong with you and of course you love your mum and care about her. I continued to feel numb for a little while, and then all of a sudden one day I started to cry and I just couldn't stop, and I felt the pain of loosing her all of a sudden overwhelm me. I felt it in my chest, it was like I'd had a heart attack. Please do not feel guilty at all, I can assure you what you are feeling is part of the process, I believe it's the shock and denial part of grieving. The sadness will come, and it might look very different for you, you may still not cry but that is so normal and fine. take care of yourself 
 

Hi Laura I don't know if this post is still active as it's quite an old one but I'm so glad I came across it .I lost my mum who was also my best friend 5 weeks ago to a brain tumor she had only been ill for 3 months when she passed away .I cared for her at my home for the last month and was holding her hand when she went .I cried a few times while I was caring for her but have barely cried since not even at her funeral I just feel numb inside and guilty for not grieving.then I saw your post today and It made me realize I'm not the only one to feel like this reading your words it  was like you'd written them about me.i no you didn't do it on purpose but thankyou so much for helping me and I hope your feeling much better yourself x

Hi Shelm

I am so pleased that you have found my post helpful. 
It is over 3 years ago now since I lost my Mum. There have been periods in the the last 3 years when I have cried more, but not as many as I had expected. Grief is a funny thing, and I have learned that is not as straight forward as sitting crying. I miss her so very terribly and I ache to sit and chat to her again, but I talk about her and laugh about the things she did, all the time which means that her love and memory surrounds me constantly. When you have shared a love and a bond so strong, that never goes away.
I think your body becomes "numb" in an effort to protect itself. You tend to go into autopilot mode during such a life changing event as the death of a parent. 
I am so sorry for your loss. It's just such a terrible thing to go through, but it sounds like you are doing amazingly. Don't feel guilty for feeling numb and she'll shocked,. Knowing what I know now, the best thing is just to go with the flow.

Once again, I am so glad that this post has helped you. Take care x

Hi Shelm,

I have just read your post and wanted to say how extremely sad and sorry I am for the loss of your Mum only 5 weeks ago. I lost my Mum in May after caring for her like yourself, she was also my best friend, we lived and worked together for 10 years and then the past 8 years we have lived together. I think we almost grieve more before they pass away sometimes then after we are left in complete disbelief almost. This whole post has also reached out to me because I feel as you do - numb. I know its a self protection thing because I do believe if I were to face the reality and all it entails I would never be able to cope. I also think the strength of the bond between Mum and I and our love for each other is also keeping me stronger than I ever thought possible. its such early days for you and for me. We will miss them with all our hearts for the rest of our lives but we know they would want us to live the remainder of our life as fully as possible - for us and for them. I am here if you ever need to talk. Take care.

Jane x

Hi Laura,

Firstly I wish to say how sorry I am for the loss of your Mum 3 years ago. I read your post yesterday and today and I can't tell you how much it related to me and helped me almost to know I am not alone in my feelings. 

My Mum passed away in May and we lived and worked together for nearly 20 years, she was my best friend, my world and I knew when she passed away I would be left bereft. I cared for her during both her cancers for the last 3 years and I spent a huge amount of time in the last 6 months crying in private moments. I cried and cried for the future when I knew she wouldn't be here and in some ways we start the grieving process early, even before they have gone. I tried to prepare myself for that day. I was terrified that I would lose the ability to cope without seeing her again.

I'm now suprised by the previous 3 months because I haven't as of yet had a breakdown, I have coped so much better than I ever thought possible, some of this is because I have had other stressful situations happen at the same time so I have had to put my mind to those too. I think about my Mum all day, I talk to her out loud when I'm alone all the time, I tell her everything. We talk about her together and remember so many things, we keep her alive with our memories and love for her. I miss her with the most awful ache in my heart. I would do absolutely anything to see her again. I know I am not the same person as before she died, I was a different 'Jane' with Mum and I am now a broken 'Jane' that has to start living a different life without her. I am still trying to process the last 6 months of her life, especially the last few days has left me traumtised. I don't believe the amount of crying represents the amount of grief/bereavement we go through for someone. Bereavement can leave us numb, in disbelief, almost self protecting us from the brutal reality. I honestly believe we have self protected ourselves. I am ok with this because it is keeping me going, the alternative is a path I would rather avoid if I can. 

I hope you are coping as ok as you can be, we are all without the people that meant the world to us, no matter if this is 3 months, 3 years or 30 years on that horrible, horrible journey of life without them. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Take care.

Jane 

Hi Jane

Im so sorry for your loss. The death of a mother, especially one with whom we have been so close to, is tremendously difficult.

Like you, I had other stresses in my life after I lost Mum. Her death was the catalyst for me to leave my husband and I was incredibly caught up with all of that at the time. I have since reconnected with an amazing man. We were at Primary school together so I have known him since we were 4. A while ago, I was driving along (I often talk to Mum while I'm alone in my car) and I asked her to give me a sign that I had her blessing for what I had done and that she was happy that I was remarrying. Shortly afterwards we had to move the date of our wedding and the only date that was available was.....her birthday! We get married on Sunday, and I'm hoping she puts in an order upstairs for sunshine! ️ 
 

I tell you this because I really do agree that the reason we haven't gone to peices is because our Mums love and strength still surrounds us. I see the way I have coped with her loss, with strength and dignity, as a testament to how well she brought me up in such a supportive and nurturing way. I feel her around me always.
 

Whenever I miss her advice and guidance I only have to think for a moment,  and I know exactly what she would say about any situation! I often say to my kids "What on earth would Nanny say about that? Actually....I know exactly what she would say!" 
 

I am so pleased yet again that my post has been so helpful to someone to realise that their reaction to the loss of their lovely Mum is not uncommon and you are not alone. 
 

As Mum always used to say "As painful as it is to lose someone, grief is the price you have to pay for loving someone so much" Painful as it is, I'd rather mourn for the amazing bond we had, than to have never had it at all  

x

What a beautiful thread Laura. 
 

I wonder if you could ever have imagined that years later people would be reading all about your story and it would still be helping them. 
 

My beloved mother died on Saturday - three days ago. I'm not feeling how I expected to feel. I'm sad, and have cried a lot, but I am much much more together than I thought I would be. My dad and sister are the same - at the moment we are just so thankful that she died relatively peacefully and that we were all there together, and I am relieved for my dad that his burden as her carer is lifted. 
 

She was truly my inspiration as a person and as a mother. I expected to be on the floor, but here I am getting on. Perhaps she is holding me up. It's confusing somehow to be able to still keep going even though she is gone. 
 

Reading your post is making me think about times ahead, and understand that those feelings may be yet to come and that's ok. 
 

Love to you and your family. 
 

Sx