Cancer Research UK main site
  • Replies 3 replies
  • Views 266 views
  • Users 0 members are here

Struggling to cope

EventualDiamond
Offline

Hi

My husband died on 18th April after being diagnosed with rectal cancer just 32 days earlier. I don't know how to cope without him. Left with two young boys aged 8 and 5 who I am struggling to look after.

I can't sleep in our bed and have been living on the sofa. I can't cook or clean. I feel life is completely worthless. My husband had only just turned 35. He was robbed. To make it worse the doctor's had completely failed him and I feel such anger and hatred towards them. I feel that they killed him.

I don't know how to get passed this. They didn't just rob my husband of his life, they stole my children's father away from them and they took my future away. I don't know how I can ever get through this.

None of my friends or family understand. They feel out of their depth. My mum is telling my best friends to back off because she feels she should be the one helping, but I don't want her near me. I wish she had died instead. My best friends are married to each other and we were always a foursome who did everything together. I am feeling such resentment towards the female but drawing comfort from the male. He reminds me of my husband. But I've started having dreams of stealing him away from her. I've never liked him that way, but I think it's because I see his pain at losing my huaband and I am drawn to the shared grief and the comfort I get from him qhen he holds me. But then I feel like a *** for having these thoughts.

Sorry for rambling

  • Offline

    Dear eventualdiamond

    i am so sorry to hear that you have lost your beloved husband at such a young age and also your dear children.

    you will be coping with an awful lot , not only trying to get through your own grieving but your children’s as well, and fully understand the resentment you feel towards close ones who are trying to help you, I felt this when I lost my dear father and wished it was them instead.

    you need to take one day at a time, this is extremely raw for you right now, draw on the strength of your beautiful children that you and your husband created , if close ones are too much ask them for time alone  and having unusual dreams is are minds way of trying to understand are own emotions. 

    There is no right or wrong way for our emotions to behave when grieving, take it slowly and please look after yourselve.

    take care

     

     

  • Offline

    Dear eventualdiamond

    it sounds like you are going through the hardest experience life could ever throw at someone. 

    You could not possibly be expected to deal with this all by yourself. I’m not sure what your situation is regarding finding the time to speak to a professional counsellor or therapist, but I think it’s likeky something you really need right now. Especially as - amongst all of your feelings of anger, guilt and absolute devastation- you also have children to take care of.

    Your feelings towards your friends husband are understandable - finding a connection with someone who misses and reminds you of your husband. The brain does all kinds of things in order to help soothe unbearable pain.

    Speaking to someone outside your family & friends - a professional, will give you the chance to process your own feelings and enable you to be honest, without anyone’s judgement. 

    Sending lots of love - you will get through this. It’s just really really hard to comprehend at the moment.

    All the very best x

  • Offline

    So sorry for your loss eventualdiamond

    i lost my husband aged 31, our youngest was 6 months old at the time. It was knowing I had to be there for the kids that got me out of bed each day. Emotions are heightened at this time and many friends/family just don’t know how to react or support. 

    Each of us will handle loss our own way and a support network can be very helpful, be it friends/family/professionals or charities that deal with bereavement - your local hospital should have a bereavement councillor that you can be referred to if you want to go down that route.

    My heart goes out to you and the kids x

     

     

     

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.