My boyfriend passed away 6 weeks ago. I don't know what to say. My grief has been strange... Not that I know what grief is supposed to look like. Our relationship was short, we only stayed together for one year and a half. It feels weird because there are people who lose husbands/wifes and parents and sons/daughters, and it's weird for me to complain because my pain is "less"??. But I was there through all his treatment. It felt quite real and serious. I was there until he died.
But right after he died several good stuff happen in my life, I got a new job and I have been loving it... I experienced 1 week in Italy because I also won a merit scholarship. Those things helped a lot keeping me distracted.
But now maybe it's getting more difficult to stay distracted... I do a lot of extra-curricular stuff just so I keep my mind busy, I try to be a lot with friends and family... Because the moment I get alone I get sad and bored...
I feel that I have been holding on quite well considering the circumstances, but sometimes I start crying out of the blue. I think about him every single day and a lot of things remind me of him. Sometimes those memories are good, other times it feels terrible...
Sometimes I feel lonely and needy... like suddenly I'm a single person, and although I'm very young 26, it seems that everyone around me is dating/or married and I'm by myself... And I was not used to this. And I claim to be very independent like I don't need someone to be happy, but at the same time, life feels so lonely and empty... and I try to look for other guys but can't imagine anyone to be as "perfect" for me as my bf was...
I feel sad and although it makes sense to feel this way, I want to move on as quickly as possible.
This past week it would be his birthday... maybe that's why I'm more emotional. But I don't want to feel emotions I just want to distract myself and wait for a few months to pass quickly, so I feel more "normal" again...
I'm sorry for this crazy rant with not much sense, but it's just the way it feels like, and I felt like put it here down in words... I imagine it sounds very weird because it seems most people get much more sensible with grieving and cry more than I do... I don't know what to say, maybe it's me that don't know how to feel things... or if I should feel them.
I'm in a town with not many friends... my closest friends and family don't live nearby. I guess it's one of the things that happens when you grow up, you move into new places for jobs and you're closest people get far away... to say that I would like to talk more about my feelings but I feel that people that live close to me, are not my best friends and don't want to deal with my problems... and they don't have to...and actually when I'm with people I generally feel better and don't feel the need to talk as much...
I feel like an idiot.
