I am so sorry that such a tragic event should have turned into the awful situation which you describe. You must miss your sister very much.  Please forgive me if I ask questions - I don't know anything other than what you have stated so I am sorry if I am going over what is old ground for you.  Have you ever had a frank conversation with your mum about why she considers your sister's partner was responsible for her death.  Please forgive my frankness but was your mum pleasantly normal before this family tragedy?  Has she had any medical help or does she refuse to countenance it?    I only ask to consider your chances of having a frank conversation with her that would  be at all meaningful.    As things are, it doesn't seem they can get much worse so I am not sure that it would make a difference however frank the discussion!  Do you see your nephews/nieces?  Did they ever ask why their Nana stopped seeing them?  Has she had anything like birthday or Christmas cards from the grandchildren?  Did she see them regularly before your sister's death?  I got involved in another discussion some time ago where a woman's daughter had died from cancer and she did not like her son-in-law but was trying to make the best of things so as not to distress the child they had any more than necessary and it is a question I must ask as to why your mum did not swallow her feelings (no matter whether justified or not) for the sake of the grandchildren.  I realise I am just throwing out questions.  I think I would start the visit by just showing yourself pleased that your mum has come to see you; if she feels this visit is going to be all about "the situation" then she will be on edge and unco-operative in any discussion.  As she is only staying one night it is possible that there will not be a good time to raise the subject; if she feels at ease with seeing you she may come again on another occasion and be more co-operative.  Sorry I cannot give you any real answers but just thought I would throw out the things that I felt could be relevant.  Hopefully others may have better knowledge of how to handle this.  Best of luck. Annie

Hi Annie, thanks so much for replying. 

We were a relatively normal family before my sisters death. We’d all go round to my sisters for dinner, spend Christmas together and her and my Mum would come up and see me where I live. Me and my mum were with my sister for 20 hours in the hospital until my first niece was born. My Mum has always been somewhat vocal and never had issues speaking her mind and there has been a history prior to losing my sister of family arguments.. but nothing other than your typical family spats. 

My Mum has said why she thinks he’s responsible, but what it came down to is unfortunately my sister was a very private girl and the thought of going for a smear test was horribly embarrassing for her and so she never went! It’s not this that she blames my sisters partner for... my sister and her partner were farmers and my Mum thinks he might have passed something to her that caused the cancer, that he picked up from handling the animals. 

My Mum won’t seek any professional help because she doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong and thinks how she is behaving is perfectly normal for a grieving mother and everyone else is the wrong. We’ve even said to her before around the anniversary of my sisters death that she should go and see the kids, just for the sake of the kids and she refused.

One of the reasons I invited her up was for me to have a frank conversation with her. I’ve not got involved in the family spats in the past, so I’m hoping me getting involved might make her think that it must be bad if I’m doing this. It is very much the worst it’s ever been, my only concern about it getting even worse is that my mother and me fall out and stop talking. This would leave my Mum even more alone as she’s isolating herself from family members at a fast rate. But mostly, I don’t want to leave my Dad on his own to deal with my mum as the last thing anyone wants is a divorce of a 40 year marriage.

Something else I forgot to mention, my sisters partner has started seeing someone else about 2 years ago (just under a year of my sisters death). Which at the time didn’t have a huge impact, my Mum didn’t like it and sent some unkind messages but nothing like she’s doing now. And unfortunately my neice accidentally read one of the messages and so as you’d expect she’s not wanting to see my Mum. I think it’s the best thing he ever did - the three kids need a ‘mother’ figure in their life. It’s not like they’ve forgotten about my sister - their house and bedrooms are covered in photo’s of her. 

Thanks Annie, anything is appreciated:) 

Oh my ... so so sad ...

I can take anything dished out to me .. and come back fighting ... everything except something happening to my lads ( now grown men) I completely lost the plot when my youngest was getting tested for cancer ... 

I couldn't cope with that ... luckily he was o.k ... but when he gave me the news I was sobbing so hard , l couldn't hear him .. hysterical.... so you know most mum's loose it when it's our babies ... l really don't know if I'd ever be o.k again if I lost one ... your mum needs to put the blame somewhere ... that's normal ..  it gives a direction for the ultimate pain of loosening a child ... something in us dies ..

But the saddest of all, is those grandkids are half of the daughter she lost ... they are part of her ... and as long as she looks at them and shows them love, her daughter will live in her children ... they need a nanny .. and I'm sure deep down she needs them .. she's probly feels pain when she sees them, but if she could turn that around and feel her daughter is right there ...

She's got so much anger in her .. but anger just grows and grows ... till it eats her up like a different sort of cancer ... it's all consuming .... but untill she can find a way to let it go, she'll hurt everyone around her ..  it won't stop ... but if only she could look at you and your wonderfull dad and realise she's still a lucky lady to have you both in her life ... you've tried soft soaking it ... and it isn't working .. if you could give her a reality check and get her into councilling.... that would be huge ... she's lucky your wonderful dad hasn't given up .. because then she won't only loose a daughter .. but risk loosing everyone ...

I say this because l know how crule cancer is ... it wants to destroy everyone ... it wants us to give up ... and never smile again ... sometimes we need gentle truth ... no mater what her son in law did or didn't do, that's life and no one is perfect ... but he's got little ones to bring up .. he must be hurting too .. he needs all your support ... as do their children ... it's your mum's choice what ever she does .. but it's not fare or right to make everyone else take sides ... 

Sending you and dad and all those that are hurting a big vertual hug... start pulling together, instead of being pulled apart ... I'm sure your sisters heart would brake seeing what's happened ...

Chrissie

Hi ... just read your last reply ...

If (god forbid) I do loose a son ... I'd want my daughter in law to find love again so the kids will have a tiny part of the void filled ... life is like a book .. filled with chapters ... your sister was a great part of that book ... just because another chapter follows doesn't mean it takes anything away from those ones with your sister ... she will always live in their hearts ... no one and nothing can change that ...

Rio Ferdinand went through the same sinario in his life .. and although he's found someone to help him look to the future .. they still take their wife / mum along that journey... and if his new lady is o.k with her photos everywhere ... then she must be someone very spiecial... 

Your mum is missing out on so much ... I prey you all find a way through ... she still could have a lovely future with you all, if she could let go of the past ... it's totally heartbraking... Chrissie x

Hi again; thank you for being so frank - I understand a bit more now.  I hope you can get through to her and accept the real reasons why your sister became so ill.  She is needed by the rest of her family to hold everyone together - she has seen how fragile life can be and we  need to make the most of the people we love while we still have them.  I very much hope you can get through to her.  I would say at the same time "be patient with her" - she has been stuck in this groove for too long and won't give it up easily!  Best wishes to you.  Annie

Hello there. I feel for you. My sister was widowed suddenly four years ago. She behaved in ways that alienated a lot of people, particularly her in-laws, and her daughter. My neice messaged me at all hours wanting me to "do" something. (We don't live in the same area.) It's pretty stressful trying not to be seen to take sides. 

Back to your mum. It sounds like her behavior is making life difficult for virtually everyone. First thing to remember is, you are not responsible for what she does, or how other people react. That took me a while to work out. Of course you want to help your dad, I get that. And you can still love someone. while not liking their behavior.

I'd suggest that giving your parents a bit of breathing space from each other is a wise move. Personally, I'd take things very cautiously. Let your mum relax a bit if possible. Make it clear you're not taking sides or reporting back to anyone. And maybe ask your dad to stay in a month or so, meaning they have another break from each other. 

Don't forget to look after yourself as well. Easy to do. It's massively stressful. I wish I could give you more advice, it's just so individual. You need to do what you can live with, yourself, not what you think is expected of you by others. That includes ignoring random online suggestions from someone you've never met!

regards, gamechanger

Hello, I am so sad to read your post.  My son was diagnosed in april 2016 with terminal bowel cancer with liver mets and died on 19 jan 2017 he was 35 years and 10 days old.  From the moment he was diagnosed he knew as did I that his prognosis was very poor.  We tried to pack as many experiences and memories into that time but cancer did its worst and he died.  He has 2 sisters , myself and my husband, his wife who he married ten days after he had his tumour removed, that wedding was already planned.  From the initial diagnosis I think i was on autopilot everything revolved around him, then he died and I realised that there was no more worrying about him and indeed no more him physically.  We are a close family and so devastated by what has happened.  I know that my daughters lives have changed, most people do not seem to think about the siblings when an event like this occurs.  My husband and I find it very difficult to talk to each other about how we really feel.  He goes to Maggies every week and that helps him, but he seems to think he can fill the whole in his heart eventually whereas I live with the feeling that a piece of me has died.  I could do nothing to stop the cancer ravaging my son, and for me a mum should be able to make everything better for her children and I could not do that for him.  I have  talked with my girls and reassured them that I love them so much but a bit of me has gone with Jonathan.  I had a friend whose son died of cancer some time ago and she had another son and a daughter, she practically gave up and could not have cared whether she lived or died, I used to think come on Chris you have your two children your grandchildren and you have to get a grip, make an effort.  After Jonathan died I apologised to her because I now know how she felt.  My family will never be the same , there is an empty chair at the table, we all have to learn to live our lives without him being with us physically.  I feel that the cancer is still destroying us because there are so many things that I have to deal with that would not have happened if he had not died and it is such a lonely place to be even though I am lucky to have my family round about.  I have friends to talk to but the only one who knows is my friend whose son died of cancer.   You get such an anger inside because it isnt fair, why my son?  I try so very hard to make the most of each day because I know that Jonathan was so concerned about the effect his death would have on us all and I feel that I am letting him down if I dont try.  None of this probably is of any help to you but I think your mum is in a very dark place and she needs to blame somebody for the loss of her daughter and in truth you do become irrational because your child has died and that is not the way it should be.  I hope that she would maybe consider speaking to somebody outwith the family and if you have a Maggies centre they have a very welcoming aura and people to talk to who.  We have finally decided to go to a family bereavement counselling session and see if that helps us.  I do not think that you ever come to terms , or that time heals all those platitudes that people trot out, you just have to learn to live the new life without that person and it is so very hard.  I really hope that your mum can find the help that she needs, xxxxx leslie

Hello again,

I think this is not going to be resolved easily.  My daughters and I talk about everything and anything and when Jonathan was alive he was part of everything as well.  The reasons that I find it difficult to talk to my husband about Jonathan is because that is laying your soul bare, I have been to Clan counselling a couple of times but if you articulate how you truly feel, it sounds very dramatic, over the top and that is the truth because there are no real words for the despair, grief, pain that losing youra child does to you. I hope that you can both talk and that you can help her to understand that she needs to help her grandchildren, they need her to talk to them about their mummy and tell them stories that only she and your dad know.  They need her in their lives and your sister would so want that.  I think you have to let things flow and tell her how you feel, you have lost your sister and you feel that you have lost your mum as well.  There is unfortunately no magic wand and as my family know not everyone has a good day or a bad day at the same time.  Sometimes I wake up and think what is the point?, then I think how upset Jonathan would be and try to make that day the best it can be.  I know that we cannot change what has happened,  I relive every day  the time from diagnosis to death, it is in my head when I am not talking to someone or occupied and maybe it does become less as time passes, but its over 2 years now and the edges have not smoothed.  Your dad is suffering as well and obviously the worrying about your mum adds to his hurt.  My mum lived with us for 12 years after my dad died and she died from lung cancer in 2013, we kept her at home and she died her -peacefully aged 84.  It was so sad but given her age it was to be expected, losing your child is not to be expected and it changes everything and everyone.  I am not the person I was before, I am angry , my friends have to accept the new me, some do some dont.  I only hope that you can get your mum to talk about how she feels, and help her to reconnect with her grandchildren and all of you who need her.  I cannot offer any real advice as we are all so different and grief is such a personal state of mind.. Sending you and your family love and will be thinking of you this weekend.

lesliexxx

Was thinking last night that if you wrote your mum a letter with all your concerns and let her know that she is loved and everyone needs her etc. Let her read it with you and hopefully she will be able to talk about her feelings and you may be able  to find a way to help her. If she wanted to communicate with somebody in the same position I could be your friend on this forum and can private message you my email address.x  xxxleslie