Hello, I am so sad to read your post.  My son was diagnosed in april 2016 with terminal bowel cancer with liver mets and died on 19 jan 2017 he was 35 years and 10 days old.  From the moment he was diagnosed he knew as did I that his prognosis was very poor.  We tried to pack as many experiences and memories into that time but cancer did its worst and he died.  He has 2 sisters , myself and my husband, his wife who he married ten days after he had his tumour removed, that wedding was already planned.  From the initial diagnosis I think i was on autopilot everything revolved around him, then he died and I realised that there was no more worrying about him and indeed no more him physically.  We are a close family and so devastated by what has happened.  I know that my daughters lives have changed, most people do not seem to think about the siblings when an event like this occurs.  My husband and I find it very difficult to talk to each other about how we really feel.  He goes to Maggies every week and that helps him, but he seems to think he can fill the whole in his heart eventually whereas I live with the feeling that a piece of me has died.  I could do nothing to stop the cancer ravaging my son, and for me a mum should be able to make everything better for her children and I could not do that for him.  I have  talked with my girls and reassured them that I love them so much but a bit of me has gone with Jonathan.  I had a friend whose son died of cancer some time ago and she had another son and a daughter, she practically gave up and could not have cared whether she lived or died, I used to think come on Chris you have your two children your grandchildren and you have to get a grip, make an effort.  After Jonathan died I apologised to her because I now know how she felt.  My family will never be the same , there is an empty chair at the table, we all have to learn to live our lives without him being with us physically.  I feel that the cancer is still destroying us because there are so many things that I have to deal with that would not have happened if he had not died and it is such a lonely place to be even though I am lucky to have my family round about.  I have friends to talk to but the only one who knows is my friend whose son died of cancer.   You get such an anger inside because it isnt fair, why my son?  I try so very hard to make the most of each day because I know that Jonathan was so concerned about the effect his death would have on us all and I feel that I am letting him down if I dont try.  None of this probably is of any help to you but I think your mum is in a very dark place and she needs to blame somebody for the loss of her daughter and in truth you do become irrational because your child has died and that is not the way it should be.  I hope that she would maybe consider speaking to somebody outwith the family and if you have a Maggies centre they have a very welcoming aura and people to talk to who.  We have finally decided to go to a family bereavement counselling session and see if that helps us.  I do not think that you ever come to terms , or that time heals all those platitudes that people trot out, you just have to learn to live the new life without that person and it is so very hard.  I really hope that your mum can find the help that she needs, xxxxx leslie

Hello Leslie,

Thank you so much for replying and sharing your story. As I was typing my post it was hard reliving the story and so I know it isn’t easy, so I really appreciate it. 

You mentioned that it is really hard for you and your husband to talk about your feelings. Is there a way as a Mum you think would have helped if either your husband or daughters had approached you in certain way? 

Not sure I’ve worded my question properly. What I mean is, when my Mum comes up on Saturday, how would you have appreciated the conversation? The last thing I want is for my Mum to think I’m taking sides or anything like that, I’m just hoping to get across to my Mum that while I really do understand that when Louise died a piece of my Mum died, but there is still so much more to live for and experience that Louise left behind such as her 3 children and also that everyone is on her side, even those that she was send unkind messages too. 

I know our family will never be the same I just want everyone to be there for each other - but ultimately, be there for the three kids. My Mum and Louise pull exactly the same facial expressions when they are happy, angry, annoyed, being sarcastic... the kids should be able to experience this. 

I know this is painful to talk about and I appreciate if you can’t or don’t want to answer my question.

Gamechanger, Annie, Chrissie... thank you so much also. All your advice has been really helpful, from reading about how cancer has affected all your lives in different ways and family members and how you have all dealt with it. 

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Leslie,

Thank you so much for replying and sharing your story. As I was typing my post it was hard reliving the story and so I know it isn’t easy, so I really appreciate it. 

You mentioned that it is really hard for you and your husband to talk about your feelings. Is there a way as a Mum you think would have helped if either your husband or daughters had approached you in certain way? 

Not sure I’ve worded my question properly. What I mean is, when my Mum comes up on Saturday, how would you have appreciated the conversation? The last thing I want is for my Mum to think I’m taking sides or anything like that, I’m just hoping to get across to my Mum that while I really do understand that when Louise died a piece of my Mum died, but there is still so much more to live for and experience that Louise left behind such as her 3 children and also that everyone is on her side, even those that she was send unkind messages too. 

I know our family will never be the same I just want everyone to be there for each other - but ultimately, be there for the three kids. My Mum and Louise pull exactly the same facial expressions when they are happy, angry, annoyed, being sarcastic... the kids should be able to experience this. 

I know this is painful to talk about and I appreciate if you can’t or don’t want to answer my question.

Gamechanger, Annie, Chrissie... thank you so much also. All your advice has been really helpful, from reading about how cancer has affected all your lives in different ways and family members and how you have all dealt with it. 

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello again,

I think this is not going to be resolved easily.  My daughters and I talk about everything and anything and when Jonathan was alive he was part of everything as well.  The reasons that I find it difficult to talk to my husband about Jonathan is because that is laying your soul bare, I have been to Clan counselling a couple of times but if you articulate how you truly feel, it sounds very dramatic, over the top and that is the truth because there are no real words for the despair, grief, pain that losing youra child does to you. I hope that you can both talk and that you can help her to understand that she needs to help her grandchildren, they need her to talk to them about their mummy and tell them stories that only she and your dad know.  They need her in their lives and your sister would so want that.  I think you have to let things flow and tell her how you feel, you have lost your sister and you feel that you have lost your mum as well.  There is unfortunately no magic wand and as my family know not everyone has a good day or a bad day at the same time.  Sometimes I wake up and think what is the point?, then I think how upset Jonathan would be and try to make that day the best it can be.  I know that we cannot change what has happened,  I relive every day  the time from diagnosis to death, it is in my head when I am not talking to someone or occupied and maybe it does become less as time passes, but its over 2 years now and the edges have not smoothed.  Your dad is suffering as well and obviously the worrying about your mum adds to his hurt.  My mum lived with us for 12 years after my dad died and she died from lung cancer in 2013, we kept her at home and she died her -peacefully aged 84.  It was so sad but given her age it was to be expected, losing your child is not to be expected and it changes everything and everyone.  I am not the person I was before, I am angry , my friends have to accept the new me, some do some dont.  I only hope that you can get your mum to talk about how she feels, and help her to reconnect with her grandchildren and all of you who need her.  I cannot offer any real advice as we are all so different and grief is such a personal state of mind.. Sending you and your family love and will be thinking of you this weekend.

lesliexxx

Was thinking last night that if you wrote your mum a letter with all your concerns and let her know that she is loved and everyone needs her etc. Let her read it with you and hopefully she will be able to talk about her feelings and you may be able  to find a way to help her. If she wanted to communicate with somebody in the same position I could be your friend on this forum and can private message you my email address.x  xxxleslie