I am so sorry that such a tragic event should have turned into the awful situation which you describe. You must miss your sister very much.  Please forgive me if I ask questions - I don't know anything other than what you have stated so I am sorry if I am going over what is old ground for you.  Have you ever had a frank conversation with your mum about why she considers your sister's partner was responsible for her death.  Please forgive my frankness but was your mum pleasantly normal before this family tragedy?  Has she had any medical help or does she refuse to countenance it?    I only ask to consider your chances of having a frank conversation with her that would  be at all meaningful.    As things are, it doesn't seem they can get much worse so I am not sure that it would make a difference however frank the discussion!  Do you see your nephews/nieces?  Did they ever ask why their Nana stopped seeing them?  Has she had anything like birthday or Christmas cards from the grandchildren?  Did she see them regularly before your sister's death?  I got involved in another discussion some time ago where a woman's daughter had died from cancer and she did not like her son-in-law but was trying to make the best of things so as not to distress the child they had any more than necessary and it is a question I must ask as to why your mum did not swallow her feelings (no matter whether justified or not) for the sake of the grandchildren.  I realise I am just throwing out questions.  I think I would start the visit by just showing yourself pleased that your mum has come to see you; if she feels this visit is going to be all about "the situation" then she will be on edge and unco-operative in any discussion.  As she is only staying one night it is possible that there will not be a good time to raise the subject; if she feels at ease with seeing you she may come again on another occasion and be more co-operative.  Sorry I cannot give you any real answers but just thought I would throw out the things that I felt could be relevant.  Hopefully others may have better knowledge of how to handle this.  Best of luck. Annie

I am so sorry that such a tragic event should have turned into the awful situation which you describe. You must miss your sister very much.  Please forgive me if I ask questions - I don't know anything other than what you have stated so I am sorry if I am going over what is old ground for you.  Have you ever had a frank conversation with your mum about why she considers your sister's partner was responsible for her death.  Please forgive my frankness but was your mum pleasantly normal before this family tragedy?  Has she had any medical help or does she refuse to countenance it?    I only ask to consider your chances of having a frank conversation with her that would  be at all meaningful.    As things are, it doesn't seem they can get much worse so I am not sure that it would make a difference however frank the discussion!  Do you see your nephews/nieces?  Did they ever ask why their Nana stopped seeing them?  Has she had anything like birthday or Christmas cards from the grandchildren?  Did she see them regularly before your sister's death?  I got involved in another discussion some time ago where a woman's daughter had died from cancer and she did not like her son-in-law but was trying to make the best of things so as not to distress the child they had any more than necessary and it is a question I must ask as to why your mum did not swallow her feelings (no matter whether justified or not) for the sake of the grandchildren.  I realise I am just throwing out questions.  I think I would start the visit by just showing yourself pleased that your mum has come to see you; if she feels this visit is going to be all about "the situation" then she will be on edge and unco-operative in any discussion.  As she is only staying one night it is possible that there will not be a good time to raise the subject; if she feels at ease with seeing you she may come again on another occasion and be more co-operative.  Sorry I cannot give you any real answers but just thought I would throw out the things that I felt could be relevant.  Hopefully others may have better knowledge of how to handle this.  Best of luck. Annie

Hi Annie, thanks so much for replying. 

We were a relatively normal family before my sisters death. We’d all go round to my sisters for dinner, spend Christmas together and her and my Mum would come up and see me where I live. Me and my mum were with my sister for 20 hours in the hospital until my first niece was born. My Mum has always been somewhat vocal and never had issues speaking her mind and there has been a history prior to losing my sister of family arguments.. but nothing other than your typical family spats. 

My Mum has said why she thinks he’s responsible, but what it came down to is unfortunately my sister was a very private girl and the thought of going for a smear test was horribly embarrassing for her and so she never went! It’s not this that she blames my sisters partner for... my sister and her partner were farmers and my Mum thinks he might have passed something to her that caused the cancer, that he picked up from handling the animals. 

My Mum won’t seek any professional help because she doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong and thinks how she is behaving is perfectly normal for a grieving mother and everyone else is the wrong. We’ve even said to her before around the anniversary of my sisters death that she should go and see the kids, just for the sake of the kids and she refused.

One of the reasons I invited her up was for me to have a frank conversation with her. I’ve not got involved in the family spats in the past, so I’m hoping me getting involved might make her think that it must be bad if I’m doing this. It is very much the worst it’s ever been, my only concern about it getting even worse is that my mother and me fall out and stop talking. This would leave my Mum even more alone as she’s isolating herself from family members at a fast rate. But mostly, I don’t want to leave my Dad on his own to deal with my mum as the last thing anyone wants is a divorce of a 40 year marriage.

Something else I forgot to mention, my sisters partner has started seeing someone else about 2 years ago (just under a year of my sisters death). Which at the time didn’t have a huge impact, my Mum didn’t like it and sent some unkind messages but nothing like she’s doing now. And unfortunately my neice accidentally read one of the messages and so as you’d expect she’s not wanting to see my Mum. I think it’s the best thing he ever did - the three kids need a ‘mother’ figure in their life. It’s not like they’ve forgotten about my sister - their house and bedrooms are covered in photo’s of her. 

Thanks Annie, anything is appreciated:) 

Hi ... just read your last reply ...

If (god forbid) I do loose a son ... I'd want my daughter in law to find love again so the kids will have a tiny part of the void filled ... life is like a book .. filled with chapters ... your sister was a great part of that book ... just because another chapter follows doesn't mean it takes anything away from those ones with your sister ... she will always live in their hearts ... no one and nothing can change that ...

Rio Ferdinand went through the same sinario in his life .. and although he's found someone to help him look to the future .. they still take their wife / mum along that journey... and if his new lady is o.k with her photos everywhere ... then she must be someone very spiecial... 

Your mum is missing out on so much ... I prey you all find a way through ... she still could have a lovely future with you all, if she could let go of the past ... it's totally heartbraking... Chrissie x

Hi again; thank you for being so frank - I understand a bit more now.  I hope you can get through to her and accept the real reasons why your sister became so ill.  She is needed by the rest of her family to hold everyone together - she has seen how fragile life can be and we  need to make the most of the people we love while we still have them.  I very much hope you can get through to her.  I would say at the same time "be patient with her" - she has been stuck in this groove for too long and won't give it up easily!  Best wishes to you.  Annie