I’m sorry to hear about your brother. It’s the worst pain imaginable isn’t it? I just can’t accept that she’s gone. I know it’s stupid but I thought she would never leave me. I feel abandoned although I know it’s not her fault. 

I’m so sorry. You expect to feel a little better every day and that’s what people who hasn’t lost someone think but it’s not true. I feelworse the longer it’s been and keep thinking she was still here this time last year and it’s unbelievable that’s she not now. I don’t know how to carry on. I go through the motions and people think I’m ok but if they saw my google search they’d be shocked

Hello MW101010, 

I am so sorry things have been so difficult for you and I hope you are finding some comfort in talking to others here who are dealing with a similar loss and the intense pain that goes with it and which can seem all consuming.  You are not alone, we are all here for you and you are welcome to talk here whenever you want to reach out to others who truly understand what you are going through at the moment. 

We have information on our website on Coping with Grief which explains the different stages of the grieving process - it mentions that even though it may not feel this way to you at the moment, the two things that help the most with grief are time and support and you will also find on that page suggestions that may be helpful to help you cope in the coming days, weeks or months and may be worth trying. One key one is to "be patient with yourself. It will take time, and some days will be easier than others." I hope you will connect with others here who know only too well how you are feeling at the moment and who will have some helpful tips to help you feel a little better on particularly tough days.

Don't be afraid to reach out and talk to your doctor at any time you feel everything is just too much. They might suggest you get some grief counselling and it can really help to talk to someone during this difficult time. I think you have been given the details of Samaritans before so don't hesitate to give them a call: they are there to listen to you at any time of day or night. I noticed though that you are based in the USA so their website can be found on this page where you will find the number to ring and you can call them at any time as their line is open 24h a day, 7 days a week. 

Sending you a virtual hug at a time when you need it the most. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thanks Lucy, I feel I’m getting worse and have planned to take my own life before Christmas if I don’t feel any differently. I can’t do another Christmas without my Mum. Sorry

Hi,

I'm very sorry for your loss I just lost my own mother just over 3 weeks ago. She passed away because of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It's been a very difficult time ever since she was diagnosed in 2015. Recalling the memories it just feels like a very slowmotion movie. Every day she got weaker, the chemotherapy made it difficult and sped up the cancer. The past year has been the most difficult. She lost a lot of weight and couldn't sleep at night. I'm 19 studying for my undergraduate year but honestly I don't see the point in continuing anymore. My father is an *** and was an *** to my mum too. 

I'm the eldest of 3 brothers and trying to keep everyone together is difficult. Everyone tells me to remember the good times but honestly? All that keeps coming back to me is the final months I spent with her. I used to stay at home most weeks and care for her and watching her get worse every. Single. Day. She was a fighter right until the very end. I still remember her words when she told me 'I will fight this illness, I'm not going to let it beat me'. In the end, it took her and there was nothing we could do to make her better. I keep running through the scenarios and thinking 'if only I'd have realised her symptoms and the way she was going I could have done something'. First she found it difficult to walk, then she stopped going out, then she became bedbound and then eventually she passed away. 

The whole in my heart that's been left feels like its never going to heal. What's the point in doing anything anymore? They say you never get over the loss of your mother. I truly loved her and although I didn't express it enough I knew she knew. I didn't realise how precious time actually was until the final months. Although she used to tell me not to worry about her but focus on my studies I couldn't help it. Now I have exams and I just cannot be bothered.

Sorry for the rant, I just feel like I'm in a bottomless pit and there's no moving on.

Hi,

I’m so sorry for you loss and you are so young I can’t wven imagine losing my Mum at your age, it’s bad enough now. I am going through the same what if’s. I should have made her get checked earlier on, I shouldn’t have been I denial that she would get better. She had immunotherapy that we thought would work so we just kind of went back to normal as there weren’t any side effects. She had one round of chemo and I agree that it sped it up. You are so young that you can go on to have a good life so please do and you have your brothers to care for. I am older but have no one to live for now. Again I’m so sorry for your loss.

Hi [@MW101010]‍ 

I came across your post as I'm am loosing my mom too. It's heartbreaking to hear how you feeling after your mom's passing and I fear I will be the same too. I haven't read s post from you in a while but wanted to check that you are okay? Xx