Katie hello, 

Wow everything you said in your post I can understand, I lost my Father to cancer on the 1st of Jan, 1918, at 13:15, to be honest we. Lost him hours before as he eventually became comatose with all the drugs etc, he too had a traumatic death, and one that stays with me every day and more so coming up to his anniversary.

I drive a lot  for a living and spend long hours on Motorways, so suppose to much time for thoughts going through my head, it's not long before I visualise him on the embankments, waving at me, I know it's mad and I'm not seriously!! But I actually wave back!! Ok maybe a bit mad!! But I've tried to ignore him but then feel guilty so wait to see him again!!  Just to be clear these are my thoughts and visions not actual ghosts !! I tried a councillor but to be honest it didn't work for me, 

I think when we hurt so much we don't want other people telling us that it will be ok, or give it time!!

Its something that we all have to deal with in our own ways, the way I cope, ok try and cope is to do just as I do above, I always say hi Dad, and yes wave, and some times laugh if I see him on a gantry, as if to say what the xxxx you doing up there you mad fool...

But I do feel better for a while, if you can find a way in private to do something similar you may find a little more peace... My heart goes out to you, and to all the others who feel the way we do... Suppose it's a life lesson, 

By the way you didn't and shouldn't apologise for putting your feelings down on paper so to speak.. If that helps you then can only be a good thing..

Take Care

Hi i am struggling too , my dad died in March this year I knew he was dying but the end was quite sudden . My family and I were  with him when he passed I had never felt pain like it , it's true what my friend said to me ,she lost her mum a long time ago you become part of a club you never wanted to be in as only people who have lost a parent will understand what you are going through . I am so tired of feeling sad, we have just had our first Christmas without him (he loved Christmas) I felt like I just went through the motions . I still sometimes can't believe he has gone , I too cry most days and I get flashbacks of his passing usually when I'm on my own or when I wake up in the morning. I also find it hard  to get my head around the fact I'll never see him again . It does help to read you are not alone in feeling like this . I try to be happy but there is such a hole in my life now nothing feels the same . It's the overwhelming feeling of sadness I can't deal with, he  was a wonderful dad and he went through so much in the last two years of his life he never moaned he just accepted what was happening to him. 
It makes me angry how he had to suffer but I am so proud of how he dealt with it . I know I will miss him every day of my life and I just hope the pain gets easier to bare.

I feel for you all and I share all the same emotions I literally felt like my heart broke and now im trying to put the pieces back together .

They say time is a healer and I really hope that is true ,I suppose we have to try and muddle through as best we can until we do feel healed .

love to you all

It was my first Christmas without my dad too. It was horrible. My dad loved his grand children and he would of loved to have been there. I've seen you lost your dad in March I take it it doesn't get any easier. I still cannot accept he has gone, even though I have been to his funeral and scattered his ashes. I still think he will come home. Do you have any tips for dealing with the pain? 

Hi elismo 

I wish I cauld give you tips on dealing with the pain . You didn't say when your dad passed , but I think you are going through the normal process of grieving and things definitely do get easier to bare as time goes on , when I wrote my post it was the day before my birthday I was very emotional. Losing my dad was the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life so far , in the beginning the physical pain was unbearable I felt ill with grief . I remember going to work trying to hold it together all day then when I hit the end of my road to home I would just release everything and cry . People say the first year is the hardest, all the birthdays, Christmas etc it has been so far . I have to admit on New Year's Eve I was sat on my own as my husband had to work I was emotionally drained from being so sad I said to myself my dad wouldn't want me to carry on feeling like this so somehow I managed to start the new year a little happier I'm thinking more about my dad before he was ill which helps. I know it's a cliche but it is true time is a healer and you won't feel like this forever , you have to let yourself go through the grieving process to get to that point and let your emotions out when they come . I used to like to go off and cry on my own in my bedroom or in the shower . I promise it will get easier . Don't get me wrong I still think about dad all the time and miss him every day but I don't get that awful ache in the pit of my stomach now that I had before . I really do feel for you and definitely know how you are feeling . My advice to you is to let yourself grieve it's healthy to feel all these emotions he was your dad he's been there all through your life ,it's a major trauma in your life to lose him . Please message me back anytime if you need to talk 

Hi elismo 

I wish I cauld give you tips on dealing with the pain . You didn't say when your dad passed , but I think you are going through the normal process of grieving and things definitely do get easier to bare as time goes on , when I wrote my post it was the day before my birthday I was very emotional. Losing my dad was the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life so far , in the beginning the physical pain was unbearable I felt ill with grief . I remember going to work trying to hold it together all day then when I hit the end of my road to home I would just release everything and cry . People say the first year is the hardest, all the birthdays, Christmas etc it has been so far . I have to admit on New Year's Eve I was sat on my own as my husband had to work I was emotionally drained from being so sad I said to myself my dad wouldn't want me to carry on feeling like this so somehow I managed to start the new year a little happier I'm thinking more about my dad before he was ill which helps. I know it's a cliche but it is true time is a healer and you won't feel like this forever , you have to let yourself go through the grieving process to get to that point and let your emotions out when they come . I used to like to go off and cry on my own in my bedroom or in the shower . I promise it will get easier . Don't get me wrong I still think about dad all the time and miss him every day but I don't get that awful ache in the pit of my stomach now that I had before . I really do feel for you and definitely know how you are feeling . My advice to you is to let yourself grieve it's healthy to feel all these emotions he was your dad he's been there all through your life ,it's a major trauma in your life to lose him . Please message me back anytime if you need to talk