Grieving - is it about to get much worse?

My Mum passed away 8 January 2019. She fought SCLC for 18 months in total, when it had spread to the brain, I knew the outlook would not be good.

I feel confused by my grieving. I know there's no correct way to grieve. Everyone is different. As I was so busy with the funeral arrangements (everything on my shoulders as only child) and then the awful paperwork that comes with it all - I was coping and getting through each day, just. I wasnt able to grieve properly or cry. I didn't have the head space.

I've just 'celebrated' my 29th birthday. The age my Mum was when she brought me into the world. And today I feel like I'm in a horrible black hole with a heavy heart. I don't feel right in myself. I cant put my finger on it. I keep looking at photos and videos of Mum and just feeling broken, empty and numb. 

I'm scared I will deep dive into depression and not be able to come out the other side. I'm scared in general. I want to tell my mum how I'm feeling. But I cant. She was my shoulder to lean on. My best friend. She always had my back. 

 

Now the tears have started again.

 

Sorry. Just wanted to let it out here. Safe haven x

  • I lost my mum to sclc on 21st feb 2019. We havent had her funeral yet but plans are in place. My mum was diagnosed jan 2018. I have a large family with my dad, 2 sisters and many nephews, aunts etc. They have all been great. My mum deteriorated really fast and was in hospital for 2 weeks where she passed on her own. It really wasnt expected. I am heart broken. We all are. My mum was the best mum, gran, sister, aunt and friend to many. I have so much I didnt get a chance to tell her. I bought a book and I have been writing to her every day. It really upsets me but i feel better that I am letting my deep thoughts out. Maybe u could try something like that too. Sorry I cant be more help, just know that you are not alone. Sending big hugs xx. Hayley

  • Hi there , and so so sorry ...

    You've probly heard all the words, and yet still feel lost in this grieving process. . You were probly on over drive while making all the plans for your mum and all those things that go with it .. that's why it's really hitting you now ... 

    I know everything looks like a big black hole right now , and there's no easy way through ... it's the price we pay for being blessed with wonderful mum's. . And just when you really needed her too ... be kind to your heart and give yourself permission to feel whatever ever it is your going through ... holding it in is far worse ... it's trying to get through the day your in, not looking to the future ...and if you really think, you know what she would say to you now ..

    People in your life,be it work or family sometimes say the wrong thing .. or avoid you because they don't know what to say .. things like it'll get better... or even a how are you, when that is a silly question ... but forgive those things that come with people wanting to help but not sure how or what to say ... 

    You can always come on here and vent, or just chat ... she will still have your back, you just won't see it ..she lives tucked up in your heart now .. her safe place ... remember you are half of her ... so through your eyes she'll see what you see .. sending you a vertual hug ... Chrissie

  • Hi what your feeling broken numb etc is about right they say we all grieve diffrently but we are all together with the pain it hurts you cant put your finger on it to work it out because there is no way to work it out thats the trouble the part of our brain controls everything looses its strenght so we all go a bit crazy with guilt regret but is gets stronger and as that happens you stsrt to feel better its a question of time staying close to family comforting oneothere councililing may help but you have to keep at it so many think its a magic bullet its not but it helps because there comes a time when life goes back to normal but not for you and your dad sister people will try to change the subject or pretend they havnt heard that realy hurts .at least counciling that dosnt happen i did all these things its ten months since i lost my partner and ime so glad i stuck at it but the srongest may not seem it but they hurt just as much .just try and take every day as best you can for your mum and your dad he will be totally lost and its it early days for you all so my kindest wishs to you all .paul

  • I lost my mum in August 2018 to sclc that spread to her brain my mum was only 60yrs old.They started chemo in March 2018 and things were looking good till early August when mum had a seizure.After being admitted to hospital a brain scan unfortunately showed the cancer had spread and the end was near.We brought mum home to die as these were her wishes it was the worst 3 weeks of our lives to sit and watch a loved one suffer I hate cancer so much i hope one day there's a cure for this horrible disease.