I'm sooo sorry for your loss, and so sorry you went through that. I can understand why you can't stop thinking about it. I think we have an idea in our heads about what the perfect way for someone we love to pass away would be, and I don't think it often happens the way we wish it would. 

Most of us are not experts when it comes to seeing signs when a person is close to the end. Was the goal for him to pass away peacefully at home?

My mum also passed away from lung cancer, and the last few days were very similar to your fathers. However, I wasn't really aware that the end was close. But now I know. They can't cough up the phlegm because they are too weak and tired from fighting the cancer. Then they have trouble eating and drinking. 

It also sounds like he had the same terminal agitation my mum had. She wanted to die at the end. She even confessed to me (she was in the hospital) that she tried to throw herself out of bed just to end it all, but she had a broken leg and physically couldn't do it.

It's awful when a person is at the end of their life and they no longer have any control over anything anymore. 

It sounds like you took on a massive responsibility taking care of your father in his last days, and I take my "hat" off to you. I went to the hospital to visit my mum once a day for her final three weeks, and even the last two days when I knew the end was near, I still only stayed for a couple of hours. I felt like a bit of a wimp, but I just couldn't do it. She was unconscious the whole time and I didn't see how I was helping. The nurses and doctors were taking care of her, and she was sleeping.

But you were there for your father, and that is one heck of a big thing you did there. Your father would have understood 100% that it wasn't fun to clean up his urine. But that wouldn't be the last thing he remembers. He would remember how much time you spent caring for him, adjusting his pillows, helping him eat, everything. Some things can't be helped, and sadly, he left at a rather unfortunate moment in time when you weren't having your best moment. But please, you really can't blame yourself. Try to focus on how much you helped him. You were there for him. That's what counts.

Please take care and I send hugs.

Hey hun, 

First off, I'm so sorry that your Dad has passed, and even more sorry that you had to see it happen in such a cruel way. 

I know it's hard, but please don't blame yourself. You took on the responsibility of looking after him alongside your sister, even taking shifts through the night so he wouldn't be alone. There are many children that wouldn't do that for their parents. Your Dad was obviously a very poorly man near the end, so any changes in his health, would've more than likely been down to the fact that his body was weakening, and even nurses don't notice those changes in patients sometimes. You noticed the changes, but probably thought that this was all due to his cancer, which it most likely was. Your Dad would have known how much you loved him, through all of the memories he has of you, and how you catered to him at the time he needed you most. I know it's horrible to think that the last words you said were about something so silly, but that tiny incident wouldn't have erased all of those good things and him knowing he was so loved by you all. The way he passed and the fact you saw this happen will stay with you forever, but as that will, so will all the other amazing, lovely memories you have with him, which there are probably many more of. Try and focus on these, as these will be what provide the biggest comfort to you over all. You did an amazing job, and none of this was your fault. 

Please message me any time, I'll be here to listen, and I know that sometimes it helps more to vent to someone who's neutral and not emotionally involved with what's happening. You'll find lots of love and support on this forum, and no one will think anything was your fault. 

Lots of love and light to you, 

Alexia xx

Hi there i wonder if you could answer this my partner liz i was always promting her to drink i was saying if you dont drink love you will end up back in haspital i had made here a cup of tea and was chating looke round and she had had a majore stroke did i couse it of course i didnt but till i found out i didnt i knocked myself to pieces i forgot a hankie to hold it was a childhood thing as soon as i got to hospital i gave her a hand towle later when my son came i whent home got her some nightys and things and some hankies to be honest i was exhausted i got no support from lizs famile so i was so busy now to you you will be thinking well its not fault .but you know it nearly tore me apart with guilt for months .thats grief for you we blame ourselves for things totaly ilogical but we do if it had not been the hankie my brain would find something so please dont blame yourself as the months go by and you yourself will start to get your emotionl energy back and realise all you did was your best and it sounds to me it was a pretty good best you cant be with someone every minit of the day they say some people wait while there on there own to die otheres its its othere way isnt it funny maby your poor dad was waiting for you to go out we are not angels i acasional got a bit short the stress carrers are under at the time can anyone blame us for being human we feel guilty because we  think things all of us do it its called caring  best wishs ime sorry you lost your dad after it all settles try some couciling it was counciler who told me much as we would like be with our loved ones all the time you just cant so just thoes words of wisdom realy made me! Realise that .

No you're not at all, accepting the death of someone close to us is the hardest thing. I blamed myself for years for my dad's death. He was dying, brain tumor inoperable. I was alone with him and decided to wet his lip which I'd been doing all day. I touched his tongue and triggered a gag reflex. Also I took the decision to take him off antibiotic and just give morphine. I felt as if I alone was completely responsible for his death. I now know a brain tumor killed my dad, he just didnt get the death I wanted for him. To just close his eyes and just stop being alive. I just don't think that happens very often. Please remember the love you shared throughout your lives and not the imperfect moment when your dad died of lung cancer. Xx

Thank you all so much for the replies and kind words, and sorry for your losses as well.

I had a lot of sleep last night, and feel a bit better today. Still feel bad about how it went down, but remembering the good times helps.

Also spoke to a nice girl at Cruse (bereavement helpline) which helped a bit. Very grateful for those volunteers as well as you guys posting on the forum, and of course all of the doctors and nurses and researchers who helped us spend as much time with my Dad as possible.

Thank you all again, and take care

Oh my god I just wanna give you the biggest HUG EVER. Your post has me crying with empathy. My dad died too a few years ago. And I also felt guilty at the time. I felt guilty because he was in hospital (I was the one who was there most in hospital and dealing with stuff because it was very hard for mum, dad was the strong one)  and he was dying and I had to make a choice to let him die in peace or get the nurses to revive him so my mum could get there and I chose to let him die in peace.  I also feel guilty because I didn't see enough of him before he died, I loved him but my brother lived with our parents and I didn't get on with him because my mother has always spoilt him and he could be quite horrid to me.  And I didn't drive at the time. So I feel guilty too.  

The thing is no matter who you are and what your individual situation is, you will exaggerate them in your mind and guilt is very natural.  You were tired too and what you said isn't as bad as you think, if your dad hadn't fallen at that particular time then you wouldn't be feeling so bad about what you said. It was terrible timing for you.  To second guess and berate yourself when it wasn't your fault is natural, there will be hundreds of people reading your post and saying oh my god I did that.  Your dad had cancer and he was dying and no matter what you did good or bad unfortunately you couldn't stop that.  It really wouldn't have made any difference if you had called the GP or ambulance any sooner, I am sorry but two or five minutes wouldn't have saved him and it isn't your fault.  Think of it this way if you had been uncaring you wouldn't have been there for him at all and you wouldn't be feeling guilty, you feel guilty because you care, not because of what you did.  What you have forgotten is all the wonderful caring things you did for your dad over the days and weeks leading up to this day and I am sure that is what your dad appreciated and will remember.  

Yes I say will remember.  Since this is anonymous I am going to tell you what happened to me and you may believe me and you may not but it is true and I am only telling you in the hope that you may read this and that it will give you comfort. I have empathic synesthesia, which means sometimes I can physically feel what others are feeling.  Anyway I was sitting by my dads bed when he died and I physically felt his spirit leave his body and go up like it was a gust of living wind and it was as if this door opened and he went through and then it closed.  So I don't know what happens after but for me I don't need to believe in an afterlife because that plus a couple of other events gave me proof. One of these other events happened at my dad's funeral.  It was weird but it was as if he was standing behind me and I could him say things as people were filing past and shaking hands to leave. And his voice after death is something I hold onto.

Your feelings of guilt are a result of your love, your grief and your loss.  Its normal to feel this way but you are being too hard on yourself and I hope that you will contact your local cancer support group if these feelings continue because they can arrange for you to see one of their volunteer councillors.  Have  you talked this over with your sister because maybe she feels the same way you do, for her own reasons. She knows exactly what you are going through because she is going through the same thing in her own way.  You need her and she needs you. We each have our own situations which colour our grief.  

Take care, my thoughts are with you.

 Hello there, I hope you are feeling better today. I feel so much empathy for you. Your dad’s last hours sound like a mirror image of my husband Steve‘s. Steve passed away in November 2018.  As you described Steve went downhill quite quickly and the last thing he did was sit up and ask to go to the loo.  He slumped forward and that was that.  I think it was the pressure of all the fluid on his heart that, when he sat up, became too much for his poor body.  Please believe me, nothing you  have described hastened your dad’s end. 

 Since Steve died I have been back to see his medical team. There were one or two questions I wanted the answers to just to help me come to terms. I was told that as fluid and phlegm build up in a cancer sufferers body it reduces the amount of oxygen circulating around the body and eventually organs just shut down  in Steve’s case he probably passed out/fainted and would not have known anything about it. He died quickly and mercifully, painlessly. 

 Guilt is a very real and normal reaction to death. I doubt there is one person on this forum who doesn’t wish they had said or done something different at some point.  Yesterday I had convinced myself that Steve would still be alive if only he had married somebody different and had a more conventional life. We spent much of our leisure time and money on luxury travel, hotels, food and wine.  Did this  ultimately contribute To his end? Who knows? We had 30 years together and I thank my lucky stars that I had such an amazing man in my life. 

 I guess the point I am trying to make is we can’t change the past we can only go on and live a life that would make our lost ones proud. 

 Please be kind to yourself, I’m sure your dad would not want this for you. 

Ruth xxx

Thank you both for the replies, very comforting to read. I'm sorry for your losses as well

You're right we should try and forget about the horrible cancer and just be grateful of the time we had together/have with our family.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer in november and everything you described resonated with my family's and my experience. My Dad was an incredibly proud man, and he too, resited help until the very last minute. He also suffered from terminal restlessness, which meant he would sleep for approximately 20 minutes at a time and then wake up in a panic. It sounds like your lovely Dad suffered from this too. 

Please don't think that you have done anything wrong. You are only human and looking after someone who is actively dying, or terminally ill, is incredibly taxing. Don't be hard on yourself. Your Dad, like mine, would have been super proud of both you and your sister for being by his side and helping him as much as you did. Don't hold on to the guilt xx

We've all been through something like this - almost everyone feels a degree of guilt and asks whether if they'd done anything differently the outcome would have been different.

Invariably the answer is "no, you did everything you could have done" but the doubts still nag at the back of your mind. 

Best wishes
Dave