Hi James,

Firstly I am sorry to hear you have lost your wife,I lost my darling husband 6 months ago to metastatic pancreatic cancer.

It was a very sudden diagnosis and from that dreaded news, he passed away in just 2 weeks with myself and our son by his side. My life has turned upside down, I have nobody to share the rest of my life with. Like yourselves we had plans and dreams including a once in a lifetime holiday all booked for last September to celebrate our 50th birthdays. I have only just returned to work as I really struggled with loosing him. I still cry like you every morning and evening and sometimes during the day also. What you are going through is totally expected after loosing the love of your life ️.

Let all the tears out, stay around good friends and talk about your beautiful wife to everyone who will listen, it will help you learn to live with the pain, it will never take it away, and when you get that one day where you may have not cried you will know that you have made a few steps forward.

I have now started rembering the wonderful memories my Husband left me and although I have lost a caring, hardworking, loving, loyal gentleman, I tell myself that I have been very lucky and proud to have been his wife for nearly 30 years, I just wish it would have been forever ️.

There are a lot of people on here that will totally know how you are feeling, so keeping posting and talking and I am sending you lots of love and strength through this rollercoaster ride! Take care of yourself. 

Debbie xx

Hi James

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved wife.  I lost my darling husband at the end of the November (25th) to Oesophageal cancer and although I am not back at work yet, I am planning to return in March.  I too think I need to the routine and the company.  We didn't have children but I do have an amazing set of family and friends who are there for me every step of the way. I am not lonely for company, but i am SO lonely for Steve.  I miss his kiss, his smell, his love..... everything about him.

I still cry every day, without fail.  I crave time in the house alone when I can just wallow in my sadness and feel sorry for myself.  I am, by nature, a very positive person but I struggle every day to see the sense in life.  However I KNOW that Steve would have wanted me to carry on.  He would be furious with me if I didn't at least try to get through the days and remember that I am living for two now so I need to make a good job of it.  The other thing that helps me is to remember that every time I break down and cry, every scream (silent or otherwise), every tear, every heart stopping moment that I remember Steve is dead and I am now a widow is a testament to how much I loved him, how much he loved me, but more importantly (perhaps), it is one more step nearer the sunshine.  I know I have to go through this, you and I both do to come out the other side and to the time when I can keep remembering Steve but be, if not happy or at peace, content in the knowledge that NOTHING we could have done would have changed the outcome.  Our story, like yours, was not to have the happy ending we planned, but that does not mean I have to give up. I won't give up, or give in.  I WILL honour his memory and keep going,and I hope my feelings of loneliness and isolation will lessen over time.

I have started grief counselling - it's early days so I'm not sure if it will help, but something that does help,that I have starting doing myself is writing letters to Steve.  I tell him all sorts of things. I have also started a memory book.  I am SO afraid that over time, I will forget things because he isn't here to help recall them, so I have bought a beautiful note book and it's dedicated to Steve and my random recollections, like how much we both loved The Life of Brian, and how we can quote just about every line..... our first date (he was late).... our first kiss (at the bus stop outside the pub), The first present he bought me (Brothers in Arms album Dire Strait).  The way his hair curled on his collar, his daft moustache that nobody could see until you were about 6 inches away from him...

You get the idea.

It's tough James, Soooooo tough, please try and stay in the moment.  DOn't think about tomorrow or next week/month/year.

Be kind to yourself

Ruth x

Hi susan ruth just read your post to axtogrind . Coming up to a month or two it realy hurts but hold on there it does get less painful like you i felt lost and hopless but we have to go on to carry the lovely memories that eventuly start to come back in a way i think wearing the black clothes and armband is not so sad realy as people know we are grieving and understand why we are so sad .and realy have to tell our story .like you i was doing texts to lizs phone it brought a comfort in a way like they were at the other end but now ive got my emotional strengh back to a point it lets me fight the sad memories lonelyness and false guilt so just hang on the horrible feelings do dwindle best wish  paul

Thinking of you and wishing you sunshine xx

Hi Paulus

 I was watching a program the other day, completely unrelated to grief or the death of a loved one, I think it was to do with bankruptcy. The main character said “I feel like I’m living someone else’s life“.  That is exactly how I feel. I feel that someone has picked me up from my wonderful, perfect (for us) world and put me down  into a world that looks Familiar  but is not. I don’t know how to act, what to do, what to say. I don’t know who I am. For 33 years I was 1/2 of a couple, so close that eventually we each became half of the same being.  I am just so lost without Steve. He was quiet, unassuming, kind, gentle and sensitive. I was the bull in the china shop.... but I know now that he was so much stronger than me. He kept us both going, I was me because of him if that makes sense without him I just don’t know ......

 I so want to move on and take him with me. Always carry him in my heart and in my head but I’m frightened that I will move too far away and he won’t be able to find me. Isn’t it strange things that go through our heads? 

 Anyway, your posts give me hope that one day I will be able to make some sense of this, but not yet. 

 Take care 

Xxx

Hi SusanRuth,

Thank you for your reply, I have read your posts and everything you have said and feel I can relate too.

My husbands boss came to our home yesterday to collect his work phone and laptop, even though it has been 6 months since his passing it felt like it was only last week he came to visit my husband at home whilst he was unwell and waiting for his results. Once again I am sitting there wondering how it has come to me handing over his work things? It broke my heart as I felt like it was another final reminder that he is not coming home, he was pationate and dedicated to his job and is deeply missed. His boss was in tears with me, I just want him back, I keep saying to myself that he is just having a little break on his own and that he will come home when he has recharged his batteries! But the reality is he won’t and I now have to wait till he comes and gets me. I just hope I don’t have to wait too long because then all this pain I have will then stop and we can get back to the way we were, so in love and happy .

Why hy does hurt so much?..

Debbie51

 Hi Honey, I think the simple answer to that question is because we love so much. 

Xxx

Yes your right feels sureal i think we go a bit vague and fogettfull its our brains overloading and yes your right not yet when liz died it was so unexpected i just couldnt beleive it and for an age i wished i could be with her but i couldnt people used to say shes still with you and all that stuff of course i was in such a state i thought what rubbish but believe me sussan i do now . I allso thought my god how long will this pain last . So i come on and try to give the poor people a bit of hope but you need to grieve ive realised that you know ive realised the reason the old system were widows wore black and widowers wore black arm bands it explains to people how sad we are .a poor word for it its iike telling people whats happend without having to explain . We need to talk and talk  .try and keep up with the counciling if you can i thought this is not doing me any good but afer some time it does an hour a we can realy help because after a while people start to change the subject whe you still need to talk so it realy helps then nest wishs.paul ps i realy wish they would do something about this spell correction on here

 Hi Paul, don’t worry about spelling, I get your meaning completely. 

You are doing a brilliant job of keeping peoples hearts and minds together. It is something that I want to do when I am a little further down the line but at the moment I’m just feeling too sorry for myself

 Take care my friend