Hi — I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer 2 months ago today and I can relate to what you are describing. I felt like that for the first couple of weeks. Then the sadness and tears would come in waves. Now I’m a total mess. The only advice I can give you is not to judge how you’re feeling. All my love x

Hi gothicels 

Place accept my condolences on the loss of your lovely mum.  My own mum went to heaven last Sept. I can only give you my own personal experience as to when the grief hit . It was about 8 weeks after.  I was like you,  empty..I got on with life and thought I was doing great and I was doing great on the outside. I could work, kids were happy etc. Then I started getting really really sad..I hadn't cried much nor was the pain incapacitating in the weeks after she went. I credited her with keeping me afloat during that time. Then after 8weeks it took me over, depression, panic attacks, anxiety, feeling utterly and totally exhausted, dizzy, weak, physically sick, paranoid about getting sick or my loved ones getting sick, loss of total control over life. All my hopes and dreams lay in tatters as my mother was my hopes and dreams esp with young children who adored her. I always thought she'd be here forever and she waited so long for her adored grandchildren and only got to enjoy them for 5 years. I'm coming out of the anxiety etc now but I'm   a long way off the shoreline still. I won't lie to you and say it gets easier as I'm not there yet and I truthfully don't think the pain will ever go away however I do think we make space for the pain and learn to accommodate it in our lives. I believe in the afterlife which helps no end. We have had so many incredible signs and visits from her, literally one a week. we keep a diary of all these visits and it pulls me out of a black hole when I feel crumpled and alone. I know I'll meet her again and I'm positive she is with me so that is the only thing that helps. I also have become so grateful for having my wonderful dad in my life, it's funny but when the chips are down you really see who and what is important. 

Much love to you and I wish you every peace and healing on this saddest of journeys.

Chat soon

Denise

I felt exactly the same as you after losing my lovely dad and sister when they passed away (far too young) this summer within weeks of each other.

The grief didn't hit me until I started a new job a month ago. Something about moving on with my life pierced the emotionless 'bubble' I'd been living in and I cried all the way to and from work every day for a fortnight. That was almost 6 months after I'd lost them both.

A counsellor has said they're fairly sure that I've got some form of emotional burn-out (since, like you, I had a lot on my shoulders in terms of caring for them and organising their funerals). That can manifest itself as an inability to feel intense emotions, including grief. It could be that you're suffering from something similar.

However, I've discussed my feelings (or lack thereof) with various friends and family. I was surprised by how many of them said that they'd not reacted to losing someone in the way they expected. One friend said it took her a full four years to grieve for her mother (like you, she had been primarily responsible for caring for her mum and had put up an emotional barrier as a coping-mechanism). 

What struck me is that all of us who've experienced this are very practical people who are perceived by our families as a source of strength. I think we get so used to holding it together for others that we forget how to let down our guard and feel something real.

I wish you luck on your journey through this. I'm planning on continuing to see a counsellor to help me to stop bottling up my emotions. Something similar may help you.

Best wishes.